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A vacant heart

by I'm Hashini


It was a fine November evening. The firmament resembles a painting; the splashes of orange, purple-blue rays and white patches at the background that falls on the high mountain summits flow through the narrow river valleys and finally stops at a place, where one could see a huge oak tree which stood like a giant at the centre of the hinterland. North to the oak tree, is an old-built palatial house which was about to fall due to its oldness. It contained more than 8 passages, a vast collection of historical paintings and so many apparent rooms.

In this house, lived a blind girl called 'Christine May'. But, her destiny and predestination was against her. Her mother died when giving birth to her, and her father left her alone after his second marriage. The newly married woman did not like to look after a blind girl who is only a dependent. One day in an inhumane way she spoke to her husband,

'My lord, who do you think I am? I can't do this anymore.You just either choose me or else your blind daughter who is only a burden.'

Father was helpless at her outspoken words. Finally, he left his little daughter beside a dark and gloomy house and went to the western part of the country , in order to start a 'new' life.Christine who was just a six-year old girl, couldn't understand the things that took place in the house.She never questioned anyone. She was busy playing with her doll, Milla and telling stories to her.

Grandpa was the one and only caretaker and companion, Christine had a fortune to receive until she was 20. He was old and feeble but still took a meticulous care on Christine.Grandpa tried to convince Christine by telling stories of those good old days to her. But, almost all the time he had to stop them halfway due to the unstoppable pouring of tears from his eyes.

Time passed by.Christine grew up as a fine lady with grace, elegance and subtlety.She wore colourful outfits that made her look even more glamorous. Her hair was coiffed and she usually wore silk gowns with sequins and fake diamonds studded on them.She possessed a magical beauty, just-like of a princess.

At a glance, no one could ever notice her blindness.Every man who saw her at the first appearance, fell in love with her. But after knowing her unfortunate state of blindness, they were unhappy to marry her.She was eagerly waiting to receive a prince charming who loves her truly, but it was not that easy.

One day with a weary and a hopeless face, she spoke to her grandpa,

'Grandpa,I don't know why God made me blind.But I don't understand why those men who are insincere and inhumane got eyes. They loved me for my bodily beauty at a distant, and when they come closer and realize that no vision is possible through the eyes they loved, they leave me. If their intention is to marry a woman only for her beauty, why don't they marry wax figures?

Her endless words brought tears to the grandpa. But he was deaf at her grief. He said,

'My darling, god will answer you one day.'

But things changed within a short period of time. A boy named 'Joseph Kinderely' who lived beside the yard, walked into her heart, stole it and overtook its sole authority! This guy who was in his late twenties, was atrocious and also had an unkempt beard that covered almost a part of his fair face.He had an ambitious nature and therefore often called by the people as a 'workaholic'.

It didn't take a long time for them to fall in love with each other.He pretended to be a good man in front of Christine showing off his assiduousness.Unfortunately, she became blind of his fake love at the end.Grandpa who was a person with a vast knowledge, foresaw the danger that Christine is about to fall in. But, she was deaf at his advice, to stop the affair at once.She was not ready lose him for the sake of her grandpa's false fear.

At the meantime, Joseph tried to convince his true love and affection towards Christine through lovable diction.

'Darling, you are the prettiest. Your frank blue eyes reflect me the true love you have towards me in your heart.My life without you is dark and sorrowful.

Christine who was overwhelmed with his false flattery and exaggerated speech,said,

'You are dearer to me than the sun that gives light,stars that show path, gems of undefinable value and every other worldly thing. This blind girl deserves your heart than any other thing.'

Joseph who understood that it was the correct time to hit the nail, asked her to take permission from her grandpa for their marriage.Grandpa who owned a good and kind heart, did not like to hurt Christine's feelings, and thus a marriage was arranged at the nearest possible date. For her fate, on that very day of the marriage, Joseph started exhibiting his evil nature. He attempted to kill the grandpa and his loving wife, Christine in order to own their wealth.

Joseph as his last words to Christine said,

'What did you think, stupid woman? Are you that silly? I'm not mad to marry a blind woman and get my life ruined. I loved your wealth, not you! darling Christine,...'

Christine hold her breath, and hardly started pronouncing some words,

'Joseph. you told that I'm blind, but you've mistaken.I was not blind for 20 years. But sure, for this 2 months.What did you think? If money couldn't give me my eyes, it will never bring you fortune too! No, never. I'm glad, because though I'm blind I could see the world. But though you have two eyes, you couldn't see the cloud of dust that has covered your eyes and disturb clear vision. But still I love you, my Joseph, I love you,...' she ended up with eyes full of tears.

When Joseph realized the truth he was too late,' She's already gone!'


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Thu Dec 05, 2019 1:53 pm
JabberHut wrote a review...



Good morning!

I absolutely adore the fairy-tale feel of this story. It's simple, beautiful, heart-breaking, and carries a life lesson deep down inside. The concept is beautiful, and I very much enjoyed the read. Your description and vocabulary are also outstanding, making it very easy to picture some of the details here.

I can tell you had a good idea of who Christine was because I was able to get a good sense of her. She's absolutely the embodiment of those fairy tale princesses, which I just adore, so I think that worked out incredibly well. I'd have loved to get a better sense of Christine's relationship with Grandpa, as I feel that was sideswept by Christine's backstory about her father. Grandpa clearly had a huge part in Christine's life! He raised her into the beautiful princess we see now, and she refused his advice at the end! So more insight into how close they were would really help build the shock at the end when Christine decides not to take his advice.

When Joseph comes in, we start to see where this story's lesson comes in. It's so cool! I love this idea of Joseph being this cunning yet charming man, and Christine's innocence falling for his little tricks. We as the readers see it so clearly and don't want Christine to listen to him! I have to admit, though, it's also tempting for the readers to cheer Christine on and pursue Joseph. It's hard to say here because we don't understand clearly who Joseph is. We don't really get a good glimpse into what he's saying and doing, if he seems suspicious or not. He could either be the bad guy after her money (like it turned out here!) but it could also be a bad-guy-turned-good-guy, and they live happily ever after.

So I think a little more Joseph/Christine time would help build up the end as well. It can, of course, be part of this fairy-tale narration you have, but just an example scenario or two that makes Joseph seem suspect and/or charming. This will give the reader a better sense of who to cheer for. It's one of those cases of nudging emotion from the reader, getting them invested with the characters and story, and leading them to the conclusion with well-structured intention.

The ending is really awesome. Like I said, this could have ended one way or another, and I think that maybe the ending was maybe rushed, which is why we didn't get a clear sense of who Joseph was and what would happen. I'd have loved to get a better idea of how Joseph tried to kill them and how Christine and her grandpa managed to survive the attack. Grandpa could be feeble, for all I know, and Christine is still blind. It seems like an intriguing story in and of itself! And also where Christine went at the end, I'm not sure. I figured this happened at her house, so I would imagine Joseph would be the one to go -- by police escort or otherwise.

I really adore this story of yours, and I think with a little more attention to Grandpa and Joseph, this will really start to come together!

Keep writing! :D

Jabber, the One and Only!




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Thu Dec 05, 2019 1:09 pm
AsterakiVrochi wrote a review...



Okay! Let me start by saying I like the concept behind this story. It's about the frustrations of a young blind girl, living in a world where her disability makes nearly everyone around her see her as a lesser human- and her desperation causing her to make a fatal judgement despite her grandfather's warnings.

It seems to take place sometime before the 20th century, if I had to guess. It would help the readers understand the circumstances of the story a bit more if the time frame was made a little clearer, but we get enough clues that I don't think it's too important.

It was a fine November evening. The firmament resembles a painting; the splashes of orange, purple-blue rays and white patches at the background that falls on the high mountain summits flow through the narrow river valleys and finally stops at a place, where one could see a huge oak tree which stood like a giant at the centre of the hinterland. North to the oak tree, is an old-built palatial house which was about to fall due to its oldness. It contained more than 8 passages, a vast collection of historical paintings and so many apparent rooms.

One thing that stood out to me at first is the switching between present tense and past tense, which happens about twice (I think.), as well as some typos. This can easily be fixed in a couple minutes, so no need to worry about it- just remember to proof-read thoroughly. Though, I'm interested in the characters behaviour and motivations.

Why is remembering "the good old' days" so hard for grandpa?
Grandpa tried to convince Christine by telling stories of those good old days to her. But, almost all the time he had to stop them halfway due to the unstoppable pouring of tears from his eyes.

What kind of family does Christine May come from?- are they aristocrats?
'North to the oak tree, is an old-built palatial house which was about to fall due to its oldness. It contained more than 8 passages, a vast collection of historical paintings and so many apparent rooms.'

'My lord, who do you think I am?'

'Christine had a fortune to receive until she was 20.'

What type of person was her father and what compelled him to leave his own daughter behind for this woman? Did he also believe his daughter was a burden- or was it something else?
'her father left her alone after his second marriage.'

'Father was helpless at her outspoken words. Finally, he left his little daughter beside a dark and gloomy house and went to the western part of the country , in order to start a 'new'life.'

There's too many questions left unanswered, and while leaving some mystery to the characters' behaviour can be a good thing, too much mystery can leave a reader confused.
I think the story also suffers from a case "telling, instead of showing.", especially around the middle
'But things changed within a short period of time. A boy named 'Joseph Kinderely' who lived beside the yard, walked into her heart, stole it and overtook its sole authority! This guy who was in his late twenties, was atrocious and also had an unkempt beard that covered almost a part of his fair face.He had an ambitious nature and therefore often called by the people as a 'workaholic'.

It didn't take a long time for them to fall in love with each other.He pretended to be a good man in front of Christine showing off his assiduousness.Unfortunately, she became blind of his fake love at the end.Grandpa who was a person with a vast knowledge, foresaw the danger that Christine is about to fall in. But, she was deaf at his advice, to stop the affair at once.She was not ready lose him for the sake of her grandpa's false fear.'

This part really sounds more like a first draft than a final product. It's never mentioned how Joseph and Christine first met or what their relationship was like- why am I supposed to root for this couple/ reject it? What was Joseph's motive for wanting the money and why was his only option murder? Did he feel conflicted or is he just a horrible sociopath?

Grandpa too- How was he able to tell of Joseph's true nature and how did he feel during his last few minutes?

The story needs revision, but I'd love to read it again if get's a reprise!





It takes as much imagination to create debt as to create income.
— Leandro Orr