Young Writers Society

Another way would be to make it more personal by using “I” and “me” "you" and "your".


Those scars around [your] eyes,

Remind [me] of sleepless nights,

And days that [I] went sightless,

You had a face, with all the seasons of the world,

And all the reasons to fall in love,

Like, eyes as deep as a greenish-gray lake,

Lips caressed each other, soaked in her own tears,

As cold as a desert, as beautiful as an autumn,

Spring just around the corner, life waiting to be nursed,

Everything around [you] just put on a hold,

And [I] loved the illusion of having loved [you],

Or having not met with [you] at all,

And days that [I] went sightless

Hi HnM,

Very visual sort of prose poem here. I really like the last line. For me personally, the theme is a bit overdone, but there are some nice images and interesting uses of metaphor. "She had a face with all the seasons of the world" is an intriguing line, I'd like to see you play more off of that image.

For nits, you've used the comma incorrectly in some places:

"those scars around her eyes" - no comma

"remind him of sleepless nights" - no comma

Maybe a period or a stop after "days that went sightless" in the third line

No comma after "she had a face"

No comma after "like" - in fact, cut out "like" altogether

"As beautiful as an autumn" is there a reason why you stopped the line there? It doesn't make sense. It should be "as beautiful as an autumn spring" and then just go right into the next line.

Cut "just" in the "everything around her just put on hold" line

The lines "And he loved the illusion of having loved her or having not met with her at all" doesn't make sense to me. Does he love the illusion of having loved her or the illusion of not having met her? You need to reword this.

So putting all my suggested revisions together, your poem would read something like this:

"Those scars around her eyes remind him of sleepless nights and days that went sightless.

She had a face with all the seasons of the world and all the reasons to fall in love.

Eyes as deep as a greenish-gray lake, lips caressed each other, soaked in her own tears.

As cold as a desert, as beautiful as an autumn spring just around the corner,

Life waiting to be nursed,

Everything around her put on hold.

And he loved the illusion of having loved her,

And days that went sightless."

-Dream

Please feel free to ignore my advice, it is not meant to offend you of hurt you make your poem seem bad demean it, or criticize however brace your self for impact regardless of my warning. That said . . .

1. What I liked
Okay I loved how real this is. How the passion and feeling shines through. It was actually pretty good.

2. Flow & Style
All proceeding advice are just me. Feel free to totally ignore them and leave this as is, and deem this as needless.

Let's tackle these two lines:

Remind him of all the sleepless nights,

And of days, that went sightless,

First of all try removing all the, from all the sleepless nights. From the secant I'd try removing and of. See?

Remind him of sleepless nights
and days that went sightless

See the difference?

All right thats all I hoped it helped.

3. Encouragment
This is amazing work. Keep on writing

4. Overall
Over all I really loved it, and I think it was amazing.

Wow! This poem is so good, you are such a talented author! May I ask where you got inspiration for this? I hope to read more of your work!