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16+ Violence

The Sorcerers of Hisderat, Chapter 11.1

by HarryHardy


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence.

Chapter 11

Into the Creepiest Forest in Existence

[Evelyn]

Evelyn barely avoided punching the man's face in. She settled for slamming a fist down on the nearest table, the crappy plastic cracking in half like an eggshell as the table collapsed inward into two equally sorry looking pieces.

"You said it would take HOURS, now why did it suddenly become DAYS!!" she yelled, even though she immediately regretting raising her voice. It was pointless to shout at these morons. The man took several steps back as, holding his hands out in a defensive position.

"I'm sorry, I miscalculated," he said, "it's all I can do with the magical power that I have."

"Fine," she said, losing steam. "I'm just a little impatient, as you can see."

"Clearly," mumbled the man. Evelyn bit back a curse.

"What was that?" she asked.

"Nothing," said the man, straightening, "so what would you have me do?"

"I distinctly heard something," she said, narrowing her eyes. "But fine, as for what you should do, get out of my sight and return only when you've managed to crack open the case."

"Yes ma'am," he said with a quick bow and ran off.

She watched him go, plastering a look of disgust onto her face until he ran off. As soon as he was out of sight, she collapsed into the nearest chair. Things were starting to look even worse than she could have imagined. I might just have to go to this forest first by the looks of it. Ahh, why does everything have to happen in the worst order possible? First some stupid dirt controlling moron steals the case and now this. As if to remind her it was there, her chest decided to flare up again. And I get hit by a freaking organ rupturer from a shade of pink that should not be allowed to exist.

Okay this is enough waiting, I should get going tonight itself if I'm going to make reasonable headway on this. And this time I'm working alone.

Evelyn concentrated on her hands, testing her magic. The familiar crackle of her lightning flared to life, glowing its usual eerie green, shining brightly. Recharged. Let's get this over with.

She got up from her chair and moved towards her desk, which was thankfully still standing. She grabbed a flashlight, a few bags of chips and her notepad. Dumping it all in a backpack, she quickly changed into a fresh pair of jeans and a warm blouse along with the thickest sweater she owned. The forest was going to be chilly at this time of day. Opening up the drawer, she retrieved her small pistol and tucked in into the waistband of her jeans.

Looking around to make sure that she wasn't leaving anything behind, she shouldered her backpack and headed out to the hallway and made for Stevenson's office.

Looking around to make sure that she wasn't leaving anything behind, she shouldered her backpack and headed out to the hallway and made for Stevenson's office. She went through the usual wait before he finally said his usual 'Come in'.

She didn't even step inside, not wanting to waste a second more than was necessary.

"I've decided to start with the door, I'm going alone this time," she said, keeping her voice as monotonous as possible.

"Very well, be back as soon as possible," he said, not bothering to glance up from a paper he was poring over.

"Yes, sir," she said, before quickly turning to leave, the door closing with a soft thud behind her. She quickly made her way to the end of the hallway, walking through the wall and out into the abandoned house. Once outside, she concentrated on the outskirts of Casry, near where the woods had started. After a few tries, she managed to dredge up the old memory. In a quick flash of green light, she was suddenly standing at the edge of a forest.


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Tue Sep 21, 2021 5:53 pm
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MailicedeNamedy wrote a review...



Hi Harry,

Mailice here with a short review! :D

So, your previous parts never had a release age of 16, now I'm a little confused. What do you do with the readers who have read through everything so far and are under 16? :D

I'm glad we have our focus on the other group in this chapter and finally see Evelyn again. I find her very interesting as a character and also more "mature" than Harry and Rose. I strongly assume that Evelyn is a bit older and more grown up and therefore uses rather different methods to show her will. I thought that was good in this part; you could really see that she was furious. I haven't read that from her before. I think that shows quite well here too:
 

“You said it would take HOURS, now why did it suddenly become DAYS!!”

Evelyn is fast-paced and has little patience. You express it well with the capitalisation and the comparison she makes here.

I also thought it was clear to see that she is more grown up than Harry and Rose (yes, now I've made a mind game) because she can take a lot less humour. There's quite little in that part, which I think is well constructed. Because it creates a brilliant contrast between the two of them and you immediately feel really threatened into their surroundings. I think she is quite ruthless in order to get where she wants to go. 

Looking around to make sure that she wasn't leaving anything behind, she shouldered her backpack and headed out to the hallway and made for Stevenson's office.
Looking around to make sure that she wasn't leaving anything behind, she shouldered her backpack and headed out to the hallway and made for Stevenson's office. She went through the usual wait before he finally said his usual 'Come in’.

I don't know what happened here, but the paragraph repeated itself here and think it's just a minor formatting error. 

In terms of structure, I found it a good start to the new chapter. I had also hoped in this one - especially when Evelyn talked about magic - that this structure and how it is distributed would be explained a little more. Namely, at the moment it's only clear to you and you can only read a little between the lines how the magic works, but so that it doesn't come to an extreme, unexpected plot twist at some point, I think a short lesson here wouldn't have hurt.

Have fun writing!

Mailice




HarryHardy says...


Thank youu for the review!!

Hmm...I do have quite a few things I use to make sure magic is never going to be used as an extreme twist, part of why I have such a ridiculously detailed system is cause of that, but hmm, I might think about it for a second draft. For now, the magic system is sort of a hard magic system that is moonlighting as a soft magic system in this story cause I don't want to bog it down with details :D



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Sun Sep 19, 2021 8:52 pm
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IcyFlame wrote a review...



Oh kay back to Evelyn! It's been a hot minute since we heard anything going on with her and honestly I'd kind of forgotten what she's been up to. She's usually the one with the most distinctive voice so I think this is a really good point to be switching to a chapter from her point of view :)

Evelyn barely avoided punching the man's face in.

Love this as a first line! We've gone from Rose who is possibly the nicest person in existence to someone who is very clearly not xD

"You said it would take HOURS, now why did it suddenly become DAYS!!"

I'm not a big fan of the double exclamation mark personally, I don't really think it works to add any more emphasis than a single one.

"Fine," she said, losing steam. "I'm just a little impatient, as you can see."

I'm surprised she's this self-aware!

She grabbed a flashlight, a few bags of chips and her notepad.

Evelyn does not seem the type of person to pack chips in a bag xD

Opening up the drawer, she retrieved her small pistol and tucked in into the waistband of her jeans.

I think I'm a bit lost on the dynamics of this world... if she has magic why does she need to bring a gun?

This was a good section, and definitely needed after all the chaos of the last few chapters! Looking forward to reading more of Evelyn and seeing whether she's going to bump into the others soon.

~Icy




HarryHardy says...


Thank youuu for the review!!

As evidenced above...the double exclamation mark is kind of a bad habit of mine :D

xD, she's gotta eat though.

Oh, well, I think I mentioned this earlier, but unless you're super powerful magically, guns are still just really effective, cause they are well...guns...and she's going to also face some dangerous animals and whatnot in here that she doesn't necessarily want to waste magic on when she's got a much easier alternative :D

Hmm...its going to be some time till Evelyn bumps into the others, but by that point, things would've gotten...very, very interesting ;)




Never express yourself more clearly than you are able to think.
— Niels Bohr