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The Sorcerers of Hisderat, Chapter 10.3

by HarryHardy


“Right,” said Harry.

“Okay, so we know the wisdom that we’re going to need to get but then what’s this past, or whatever that’s going to be telling it to us,” said Rose.

“Past, among the last, demise,” muttered Terry, scratching his chin, “I think those are connected somehow. They all seem to be fancy ways of talking about one specific thing.”

“Death?” suggested Rose.

“Ohh, that's funny, so if we are indeed at a tomb of some sort,” said Harry, “we’ll have to…”

“…talk to some ghosts. That does kinda make sense,” finished Rose. 

“Well if that's correct, this promises to be interesting,” said Terry, “I’ve personally never gotten the chance to meet a ghost. Necromancy is nowhere near my strongest suit.”

“Likewise,” said Rose, nodding and turning pointedly to Harry.

“Ghost are…complicated,” said Harry, “all you need to know is that you want to always keep them happy and you can learn plenty. Make them not so happy, and you can still learn plenty...about being dead.”

“Great sales pitch,” said Terry,"I'm sold. Let's go."

“Tone it down on the sarcasm, there is actually something to worry about,” said Harry, looking at the riddle again on his communicator, “the lines 'perhaps lead to their freedom’ and ‘never forget to stay sharp’. Those two things in relation to ghosts worry me. It looks like these particular ghosties are not going to be particularly friendly.”

“I can stay sharp,” said Terry. He looked to be steeling himself for something. “Shall we go then?”

“Yes,” said Harry, “and I guess I better take the lead this time if you aren’t the best at necromancy.”

“Unfortunately I'm not,” said Terry.

“Okay,” said Harry, clearly not thrilled with the reply. “Rose, you take the rear. Clarke stay in the middle and both of you follow me.”

Harry moved towards the only thing resembling a gate in the broken fence, quickly hopping over it instead of trying to figure out a way to get it open. Terry followed suit. Rose took a last look around where they’d landed. At least the hole that they’d jumped through was still open. She turned and hopped over the fence.

In front of them the dark structure quickly revealed itself to be a massive stone wall. Harry headed right for it, breaking into a quick jog, Terry right on his heels. Rose stood for a moment to look at the wall, looking for anything that looked suspicious. It was an exceptionally solid looking wall for something that could have been used to hide things over a century ago. A place of demise. Let’s hope we don’t meet our own demise. Finding nothing, she took off after them, running a few feet to catch up before falling into a jog.

Harry stopped in front of the wall and put a hand on it.

“Take a couple of steps back,” he said, turning towards them, “and it might get just a tad bit chilly.”

He turned back towards the wall and began to murmur, leaning in close almost like he was telling the wall a secret. He tossed the penlight over his back and Terry caught it defly, pointng it towards the wall. 

The chanting intensified, going from a slow whisper to something that almost resembled a constant hissing. The temperature began to drop alarmingly. Rose hugged herself, rubbing her palms together as the temperature seemed to approach freezing.

Despite being sleeveless, Harry didn’t seem to even notice the cold. His chanting took on an eerily high pitch. The light then began to dim, the penlight’s brightness changing slowly until it might as well have been the light from a firefly.

Sudden tendrils of black light began to grow on the wall. It looked like a mold of some kind, growing at lightning speeds as it spread towards Harry. Rose was taken aback. That’s not supposed to happen is it? She almost took a step forward to intervene but held herself back. Harry knew how to handle himself and this was an area that he was good at. There’d be no point in her jumping in there. I’ll probably only make it worse.


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Mon Sep 20, 2021 6:41 pm
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MailicedeNamedy wrote a review...



Hi Harry,

Mailice again here with a short review! :D

Let's turn the tables today and I'll start with something that struck me while reading:
 

He turned back towards the wall and began to murmur, leaning in close almost like he was telling the wall a secret. He tossed the penlight over his back and Terry caught it defly, pointng it towards the wall.

Again, you have displayed your passion of masonry and made this section a bit sticky to read with too frequent walls. D I would seriously look at whether sometimes something is not too repetitive. I don't like to do that either, but sometimes you can still sort out some mistakes that way. For example, you could write in the last sentence: "Terry caught it defly, pointing it towards the cold stone." That would also give the sound a new value.
 
So, let's get on with the rest of the story. I agree so far with how the plot is developing, I also have to say that on my first read-through, I read through all the parts of chapter 10 because they were a bit too short. This also definitely made the individual parts more exciting than reading them so briefly in turn. I noticed, for example, that in the first three parts you wrote three different categories; first in Part 1 the focus on the characters, in the second part the focus more on Terry and some revelations, i.e. more action and plot progress and now in this part comes the departure to the solution. So you made a transition from the characters back to the plot in these three parts, and in a very fluid state. I liked that, and I think it had a different effect on me than if I had read them all separately and written a review. That also gives you a good overview of where you are in the story.

That's why I can't directly say that you definitely have to add more descriptions, because otherwise the chapter would be overflowing with them and we'd just be at the point where we'd arrest Terry.

Have fun writing!

Mailice




HarryHardy says...


Thank youu for the review!!



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Sun Sep 19, 2021 8:05 pm
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SoullessGinger wrote a review...



Hello there! Ell here with a review :^)

Very excited to learn about these ghosties! I keep forgetting how the prophecy goes, since it's all split up in multiple chapters but we're using context clues! Alright, let's get started then.

“Ohh, that's funny, so if we are indeed at a tomb of some sort,” said Harry, “we’ll have to…”

“…talk to some ghosts. That does kinda make sense,” finished Rose.

hmhmhm they're finishing each other's sentences nowwww, the ship is sailinggggggg mwhahaha

“Ghost are…complicated,” said Harry, “all you need to know is that you want to always keep them happy and you can learn plenty. Make them not so happy, and you can still learn plenty...about being dead.”

I really want to learn more about Harry's backstory, and how he came to be so good at necromancy. On that note, I'd also love to learn how magic fits into this world- since my earlier impressions of the world are more modern, and about everybody's backstories in general.

Finding nothing, she took off after them, running a few feet to catch up before falling into a jog.

This sentence is a little run-on. haha get it because she's running But actually, I think you could compress it a little bit.

Sudden tendrils of black light began to grow on the wall.

oooooh dark and mysterious forces beyond our control!! I hope Harry'll be alright!

Okay, overall, I loved this chapter! I'm glad the story's picking up again, we were kinda drifting along there for a bit. My only note is that I couldn't completely tell whose perspective this is from. I think it's Rose's, but it was pretty vague. Character voice is usually pretty clear when you write, so I think this chapter was the odd one out, just keep your eyes open for that. Something else I really enjoyed was how much more imagery and creative wording you used this chapter! I loved the firefly bit, and the bit about whispering secrets to the wall. All in all, keep it up, I'm excited for the next chapter!

Image




HarryHardy says...


Thank youu for the review!!

xD...Harry has been through some stuff, there's be some snippets of what he's been upto in times to come, and I think Terry's backstory definitely gets revealed quite a bit too some time later :D



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Sun Sep 12, 2021 9:58 pm
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IcyFlame wrote a review...



Ok I've totally forgotten how far we are through this riddle xD I'm not sure if this is an effect of reading the chapter in sections, but it might be helpful to have one of the characters (probably Rose, because she's the most sensible) sum up for us at some point, just so it's easier to keep track of. That way your reader still has to work, but not quite so hard.

“Past, among the last, demise,” muttered Terry, scratching his chin,

This feels like too many commas haha

“…talk to some ghosts. That does kinda make sense,” finished Rose.

This seems like a really standard thing for her... in which case, I think we might need more information about the world they're living in in earlier chapters. Up until now I had assumed it was kind of our world but with magic. It might be good to allude to some of the other mysterious things a bit earlier on because then it wouldn't feel as jarring when this kind of thing gets randomly dropped into conversation.

Make them not so happy, and you can still learn plenty...about being dead.”

Meaning that the ghosts can kill them or that if they're unhappy all they'll do is talk about being dead?

“Okay,” said Harry, clearly not thrilled with the reply. “Rose, you take the rear. Clarke stay in the middle and both of you follow me.”

I can accept that he's not thrilled with the reply, but maybe a description of his facial expression might go well here to add to this.

Harry headed right for it, breaking into a quick jog, Terry right on his heels.

This doesn't seem like the action of someone who's apprehensive...

Despite being sleeveless, Harry didn’t seem to even notice the cold. His chanting took on an eerily high pitch. The light then began to dim, the penlight’s brightness changing slowly until it might as well have been the light from a firefly.

Sudden tendrils of black light began to grow on the wall.

Loved this description - more of this please!

That’s not supposed to happen is it?

Why would she think that?

Ok things are starting to happen again! It felt like we got to the whole ghosty bit a tad quickly, so slowing that down and adding in some more description would be good for the pacing. I'm interested to see what they summon... and how they know which ghost they're supposed to be summoning!

Looking forward to part 4!

~Icy




HarryHardy says...


Thank youu for the review!!

Ahh...my stories to tend to be suuuper vague about worldbuilding..despite me having pages upon pages about said worlds...I guess I'm just terrified of information overload...but I'll keep that in mind :D

They can kill them :D spoiler alert: there's definitely a fight scene coming soon

Cause from what she's seen before, things like that aren't supposed to show up, but then she isn't very experienced in that area, so she's also not sure :D




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