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The Alpha Pack: The Dawn of the Dead, Prologue Part 2

by HarryHardy


Two beings stood atop a cliff. Behind them were miles upon miles of forest, shimmering with the faint blue light of the setting sun. In front of them the cliff face lead several hundred thousand feet straight down to a roaring ocean. But from their vantage point, you could see none of it, large white clouds obscuring everything that lay below.

One of them looked significantly older, neatly trimmed white hair framing a wrinkled face. He looked towards the younger of the two. The younger one stared out into the clouds, deep in thought.

"Harry, you know you're going to have to get back into the swing of things," said the man. Harry turned, dull blue eyes still focused on a time long past.

"Do you really think I can, Tos?" he asked.

"Of course you can," said Tos, "they don't call you the best for nothing."

"But that was countless millennia ago. Now The Darkness rests, he's not ready...I don't know if he ever will be."

"The Darkness is not who we need. We need the General of the Forces for Peace, we need the Captain of the Timeship Altroyon," said Sonotos, brilliant white eyes shining with memories of a time long past.

Harry cracked a smile. "What's a captain with no ship and with no crew. A captain that..."

"No Harry...you're not responsible for that. How many times must I tell you? There was no other path that you could have taken."

"But there was," said Harry, "my stupid design was not strong enough to travel along it."

"Mistakes are made so that we can learn from them Harry. Don't lose hope. This time we'll put a permanent end to this."

"Without me or the other two," said Harry.

"You know very well that is not possible. We have no idea what The Light will do. All we can tell for certain is that he will return and that dark cloud we all see in the future is more than likely because of him."

"You know as well as I do we will run into that problem once more," said Harry, "and as history is bound to do, it will repeat itself."

"But that is for those who are bound by the constraints of time," said Tos, looking pointedly at Harry.

"That will be a long and hard journey," said Harry.

"But a necessary one," said Tos.

"Correct," said Harry, "then I may not see you for a while. Hopefully I am not too late."

"We'll be fine. It'll be at least a couple of decades before things get really out of hand and an immediate response will have to be made."

"I suppose you expect me to lead that," said Harry.

"You know me," said Tos, "trust me Harry, you can do a lot more than you give yourself credit for. You know for somehow who's as old as you are you behave very much like the teenager that you're body remains as."

"Trust me, I'm 16 and I always will be 16," said Harry.

"That I can agree on," said Tos," so I presume you're going to be taking Rose and Ben with you?"

"Yup. Can't do it alone now, can I?"

"Yeah, this is not the sort of thing you want to do alone. Have a safe journey. I'll have the materials for a new ship waiting for you."

"We'll make an even better one," said Harry, "this time nothing will stop it."

"Indeed we will," said Tos, "the one piece that will make it perfect however..."

"I have to find," finished Harry," don't worry. I will."

Tos nodded. "After all, impossible itself simply means I'm possible."

"And that was supposed to be my line," said Harry, crossing his arms.

"You've said it enough times already," said Tos,

"That I have. Well, I'll see you seen enough," said Harry.

"Hopefully," said Sonotos, "try to be back before we're all dying."

"Will do," said Harry and jumped off the cliff face.


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Sun Dec 06, 2020 11:54 pm
Horisun wrote a review...



Hello, hello! Its me again!
I really liked this prologue! The scenery was gorgeous, and the dialogue between the two characters felt incredibly natural! I loved every moment of it!
"Mistakes are made so that we can learn from them" was a great line, especially in the context of the conversation! I already love the relationship between those two!
I do have one critique that does come down to a matter of opinion, but I would try doing "Sixteen" instead of "16"
Other than that, it's on to the next chapter for me!




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Fri Oct 30, 2020 11:27 am
IcyFlame wrote a review...



Back as promised!

Two beings stood atop a cliff. Behind them were miles upon miles of forest, shimmering with the faint blue light of the setting sun. In front of them the cliff face lead several hundred thousand feet straight down to a roaring ocean. But from their vantage point, you could see none of it, large white clouds obscuring everything that lay below.


Ok, so will you have this as two separate prologues or just the one but in two parts? I would question the need to have two in general to be honest. A prologue is used to give information that cannot be given in the rest of the story and have the same effect. Which begs the question, is this necessary? Could this not just be your chapter one? Prologues in general have fallen out of favour so I would encourage you to really think about whether you need to have one at all - especially whether you need two!

It also means you have a tonne of characters already introduced in your prologue which the reader is going to find it hard to keep up with... especially if you plan to switch to even more characters in chapter one. It also means that the character voice for each of these starts off pretty similar.

brilliant white eyes shining with memories of a time long past.

This is too similar to the description you've just used for Harry's eyes.

You know very well that is not possible. We have no idea what The Light will do. All we can tell for certain is that he will return and that dark cloud we all see in the future is more than likely because of him."

"You know as well as I do we will run into that problem once more," said Harry, "and as history is bound to do, it will repeat itself."

"But that is for those who are bound by the constraints of time," said Tos, looking pointedly at Harry.

"That will be a long and hard journey," said Harry.

Again, very vague. What with this and the last section I'd have probably lost interest by now.

That I can agree on," said Tos," so I presume you're going to be taking Rose and Ben with you?"

The same Rose as from TSOH?

"Hopefully," said Sonotos, "try to be back before we're all dying."

"Will do," said Harry and jumped off the cliff face.

I like this as an ending! If I had to choose, I would say keep this prologue and scrap the other one but perhaps you could also turn this into chapter one? Is there a reason this needs to happen as a prologue?

That's all for now, glad to see this finally out of the GR ;)
Good luck with all your NaNo projects <3

Icy




HarryHardy says...


Thank you again!!!

Ha ha...those two descriptions are very much on purpose...its meant to let you know something....shall we say...I think you can figure out what I mean...

Aaaand well we have actually just met our major players...I believe...you'll be seeing a lot of these two and kind of a big cast of side characters...Ooops...we'll see if it works out.

Hmm...that's fair...like I said I assumed not many would read it...chapter 1 is more designed to do the actual introduction to the world...once its written that is...umm...probably couldn't let up that much on the vagueness...might just scrap one of them then...this two prologue structure is to reflect how this plot will progress...its a story of the heroes and the villain....its a different idea...dunno...that's a spoiler minefield so I won't attempt to explain that...or maybe at some point I'll mention the plot for PlanMo....but umm yaa I might actually chop the first one...

Umm...this is the prologue 'cause chapter one starts with Harry just about getting back...and I wanted to hint at this a titch...umm....we'll see...heh...I don't usually write prologues...this was sort of me trying to get all vague and mysterious on things...I confess my chapter ones are usually that too...*cough* briefcase *cough*.

As for Rose...uhh nope...this is another Rose....will the Rose from Sorcerers be in this one? More likely than you think...



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Tue Oct 13, 2020 12:54 pm
Staphsendingmenoodles wrote a review...



Hey Hey, I'm Staphsendingmenoodles, you can just call me Noodles, only if you want to. I am going to be your critiquer/reviewer for today. I have experience in writing about zombies, but not with wolves, you know werewolves and supernatural stuff like that (besides demons and angels, and mythology, those tend to differ a lot from the werewolves and vampires). What I'm critiquing you on is the emotion, scenery, grammar, and details. I will be going into depth about these categories and if I decide (depends if I was detailed enough with my helping) I would give you a solution.

--

So starting with the first sentence, it is short and that's perfectly fine since it is continuing as the other half as the prologue, but that doesn't it can't be rephrased in all in one sentence. You make it clear in the detail of where the two beings are, and what both the audience and the two beings are seeing, but the whole scene can be better phrased. Also, there are some grammar errors within the scene, but that's not a problem. I would show what I would've written (typed): "The two beings stood on top of a cliff as behind them was miles upon miles of forest. They watched the sun go down and the blue sky turn dark redish-purple." Meh, I would say this is simple and maybe cloudy as a sentence, because I may be wrong about what I'm saying, so don't take this with a grain of salt.

Don't start a sentence with the word "but" just put a comma. Ehh one liners again, unneeded one liners, makes your writing look choppy in a way. You don't have to make a new sentence with every quote unless it's necessary so pretty much saying, not each quote has to be apart or in a different or own paragraph. (Meaning they don't have to be in it's own sentence.)

Replace said, with remarked, or barked, or any other words, you say "said" a lot within this prolouge which could be replaced with other words that give more emotion and expression. Ehhh I think that's all.


-Noodles





He who has a why to live for can bear with almost any how.
— Friedrich Nietzsche