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Survival: The Escape, Chapter 1.2

by HarryHardy


The trio made their way out through the dilapidated doorway and towards the main hallway that would take them to the central hub of the camp. They walked in silence as they made their way across the imposing structure. Talking was forbidden in the halls. 

These walls were a dull metallic grey, the same color as the steel reinforced concrete they were made of. The hallway was lit by two long strips of old school LED’s, relics of a time long past. They barely had enough light to navigate without bumping into anything.

They passed by blocks A through G as they approached the center of the camp which was called "The Hub". Leading into The Hub was a pair of polished wooden double doors. From this point onwards came the parts of the camp that were actually in good shape. The aliens didn't care at all about keeping everyone's living areas in good condition but they certainly wanted everything else to be in top shape.

The Hub being one of the few rooms that actually had working air conditioning meant that it was always at a crisp sixty five degrees. The room was built in the shape of a large circle with eight hallways leading off it. At the center of the room stood a large, rectangular, steel column with displays mounted on each side. Aria walked up to the display facing them.

She scanned it for a few minutes, looking for their names. Harry exchanged a glance with Daisy. She didn’t appear to be worried on the surface but by the way her forehead creased he could tell that she was not thrilled about being reassigned. 

He'd lost enough sleep the previous night himself, worrying about the same thing and hoping that it wasn't going to be something horrible like the guard's bathroom.

“Got it,” whispered Aria as she walked back towards them, breaking Harry out of his thoughts. He looked at her quizzically. She pointed in the direction of one of the hallways. Oh, thank the fates. It's a door. We escape the bathroom once again.

“Is it the new door?” mouthed Harry. Aria simply put a finger to her lips and pointed at the hallway again before walking towards it. Harry exchanged another look with Daisy.

He tilted his head towards the hallway. Daisy shrugged.

The two of them set off after Aria and entered the hallway. It was the one that led to the outer walls of the camp. This passageway was flanked by doors leading to various guard stations and armories or at least that’s what the the signs nailed to the doors proclaimed. No human was allowed to enter any of those rooms. Inevitably with a rule like that, many had tried to enter, but so far, no one who'd entered had ever made it out. Harry was always uneasy having to walk past them.

They hurried along the hallway, Harry and Daisy jogging to keep up as Aria barreled down the hallways. It took nearly fifteen minutes of walking before they finally arrived at a set of doors each marked with a letter. Aria didn’t hesitate as she pushed her way through the door marked with a letter ‘H’. Harry took a double take at the letter. As far as he could remember, just last week, there had only been letters upto 'G' which meant the new door had in fact been completed and his guess from earlier was correct.

Aria didn’t slow down as they turned into the passageway to the wall. This one, like the rest of the passages that lead to the doors, was made of glass instead of the usual metal and concrete. Another two minutes in that passage and they finally came to a sliding glass door. Here, Aria stopped and turned to the two of them, her face a mixture of happiness and concern.


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Tue Aug 31, 2021 12:59 pm
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MaybeAndrew wrote a review...



Andrew here with a review! So, this chapter caught my interest. It was intriguing, and I now need to keep reading to see what's going on, and what you'll do with the consequences of the ideas you're playing with here. You introduce the idea these are human captives in this chapter, which i think is extremely interesting, I'd only say, I'd introduce it earlier. Everyone has their own style, but you could even have something in the opening line or paragraph alludeing to it. Hook us, right from the get-go. No reader in a book store is going to make it to page five just out of hope. If they have no interest in page one, they won't keep going, most won't even make it past paragraph one. Grab us, and yank us into your cool concept, and then you can zoom out again and just get back to the day-to-day stuff, and leave us with a ton of questions we have to read the story to answer. Don't tell us the whole thing on that first page, just wave the idea in front of our face real quick, but then hide it again before we get a good look at it.
But lets get into specifics!

The trio made their way out through the dilapidated doorway and towards the main hallway that would take them to the central hub of the camp.

This sentence is an eyeful. I'd suggest splitting it up into multiple sentences or using different wording.
Talking was forbidden in the halls.

I like this build-up to the reveal, make us wonder. Forbidden by who?
The aliens didn't care at all about keeping everyone's living areas in good condition but they certainly wanted everything else to be in top shape.

This is your strongest and best idea so far, so I'd be very intentional with how you do this reveal, it is powerful and valuable.
He'd lost enough sleep the previous night himself, worrying about the same thing and hoping that it wasn't going to be something horrible like the guard's bathroom.

Clunky
Oh, thank the fates.

The reference to Greek mythology seems weird and out of place here
This passageway was flanked by doors leading to various guard stations and armories or at least that’s what the the signs nailed to the doors proclaimed.
[/quote]
Clunky and double the's
Like I said, I might handle the reveal differently, that's a valuable hook. There were a couple of run-on sentences, but besides that, this chapter caught my interest, excited to see what happens next.
But that's all just my two cents! Hope it helps!
Thanks, and keep writing,
Andrew




HarryHardy says...


Thank youu for the review!!



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Thu Aug 26, 2021 7:26 am
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SoullessGinger says...



ALIENS?!? Idk what I was expecting, but not that. Intriguing




HarryHardy says...


xD



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Thu Aug 19, 2021 11:15 am
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ForeverYoung299 wrote a review...



Heyyy! Forever here for a review!!!

The aliens didn't care at all about keeping everyone's living areas in good condition but they certainly wanted everything else to be in top shape.

Ah that was a good way to reveal that!
Here, Aria stopped and turned to the two of them, her face a mixture of happiness and concern.

Maybe just replace 'here' with 'there'. That seems to be better.

This was a great chapter. A lot of things happening in here. The humans seem to be in a very good condition in the World seems to be under the rule of the Aliens and I wonder about the setting. Is it Earth? As there is no explicit mention of that, I am assuming the World is not Earth. Also, the temperature makes me thubk that. So, we will be seeing a lot of World-building here. I am quite excited about it.

As for the characters, I might comment on them afterwards. This part didn't have many descriptions of the characters but I like the few descriptions we provided. I wonder what Harry's guess was and what is waiting for them in their fate. It's not gonna be something very bad as can be seen from Aria's expressions.

Something which I wonder about is these assignments. What these assignments actually are and why are they given to the humans? And also how are they given? Also, what was disappointing about the assignments that made both Daisy and Harry feel sad? I hope to find out more about these assignments in the future.

Talking about the pacing, I think it was a bit too rushed. The descriptions were obviously great but the way you provided them felt like they were running through every place. Like you see, the camera or let's say the eye through which the readers are seeing the setting is moving tol fast. Maybe slow it a bit. I think it would be better. See, give time to the reader to take in the description.

Overall, another great chapter.

Keep Writing!

~Forever




HarryHardy says...


Thank youu for the review!!



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Fri Aug 13, 2021 5:22 pm
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RandomTalks wrote a review...



Hello!

RandomTalks back with another review!

So aliens? That is a new development and I really hope I didn't miss anything from the first part, otherwise I might have to go back. Now this part has taken on a totally different tone from the previous one. Earlier, we were slowly getting introduced to the characters and their lives. As a result, it had more lightness and a more humorous edge to it than this part. Having introduced us to the characters, I guess in this part you take a pause to explore the place where they are. We slowly get some clue about what is going on, or at least we have space to make some guesses now.

However the slight problem with this part is that it feels too factual at times. I get that you are mostly describing the place here, but there is just so much information; one thing simply leads to another. Maybe you could take a pause here and there, and simply spend a moment to explore what is happening, what they are seeing and feeling instead of just describing the place? Or maybe include some more dialogue? That would take some of the flatness away and it would not just be about the descriptions any more.

No human was allowed to enter any of those rooms. Inevitably with a rule like that, many had tried to enter, but so far, no one who'd entered had ever made it out.


I liked this line, because it went off a little from the serious tone of the story. It depicts the nature of human perception and behavior, and the sarcastic way it is written provides a much needed break.

The hallway was lit by two long strips of old school LED’s, relics of a time long past.

I think using the word 'gone' here instead of 'past' works better. It's a personal opinion though, I just think the phrase, 'a time long gone' sounds better.

Overall, this was a good continuation. Not much happens here, but it still takes the story along and ends with a mysterious note. What is behind the glass door?

Hopefully, I will find out!

Keep writing and have a great day!




HarryHardy says...


Thank youu for another review!!



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Wed Jul 28, 2021 6:06 pm
MailicedeNamedy wrote a review...



Hi HarryHardy,

Mailice here with a short review! :D


I felt the chapter was written in a different style than the previous one. It lacked a bit of humour and also dialogue, but I also found it good, in that sense. I think you have to read 1.1 and 1.2 together as it is a continuation of the actions of 1.1.

This then also gives a new view into the story and I can say that this makes the overall package much better. Combined, you got it off to a good start by first introducing the characters and giving them a personality before switching perspectives and giving a little more description of where the characters actually are. I liked this contrast overall and liked that you continued to maintain this calm, relaxed tone.

Your descriptions for some things were great, but could be expanded. They seemed quite unwieldy and held the continuation of the plot. But I like your attempt to expand on that and give some little details yourself.

In general, it was a very well developed chapter and fitted in with the first part. It's a bit short on its own, but I thought it was a great start to the novel.

Two points that caught my eye:

The trio made their way out through the dilapidated doorway and towards the main hallway that would take them to the central hub of the camp.

You manage to insert the generic term "way" three times in different ways in your introductory sentence. I would try to use synonyms, such as foyer or simply hall and gallery.

These walls were a dull metallic grey, the same color as the steel reinforced concrete they were made of.

I don´t think you need the “they were made of” at the end of the sentence because it´s already self-explanatory in its own.

Apart the beginning of 1.2. being too much of a way, I liked how the story concluded into this part and how you have changed the pacing in it. :D

Have fun writing!

Mailice




HarryHardy says...


Thank youu for the review!!




You unlock this door with the key of imagination. Beyond it is another dimension: a dimension of sound, a dimension of sight, a dimension of mind. You’re moving into a land of both shadow and substance, of things and ideas. You’ve just crossed over into… the Twilight Zone.
— Rod Serling