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A Day Off Part 4

by HarryHardy


The creatures in front of him hissed. It was as if they could sense their end was coming, either that or they were just really hungry. The latter was probably true.

Harry broke in a run, charging at the two monsters, jumping into the air inches before he collided with them. The air around him crackled with thunder as it ionized rapidly. Lightning flickered across his hands and his eyes started to glow a brilliant dark cyan.

"Vankous, a little help, I don't want to accidentally break the ice!!" yelled Harry as he spread his wings to keep gliding.

"Do it yourself," yelled Vankous.

"Are you really going to do this right now?" asked Harry.

"Oh stop wasting time," said Stean, charging towards the creatures. He picked the first one up by its tooth and flung it into the air like a tennis ball. Harry flashed him a quick thumbs up before turning and blasting the creature into a million pieces with a concentrated burst of lightning.

The next creature followed suit not long after and Harry landed gracefully on the ice on one knee and one hand curled into a fist.

"Really?" said James, walking over, "superhero landing."

"Its a fun landing technique," said Harry, "if you've got unbreakable knees."

"Oh yeah," said Stean, with a laugh, "James, don't you go around doing that."

"Oh I can manage," said James.

"That was pathetic," said Vankous, floating in on a cushion of energy.

"What?" said Harry, turning to him.

"What took you so long to defeat that stupid creature?" asked Vankous.

"I had other priorities," said Harry, "but that's not important, let's get back to enjoying this day off. We aren't going to get another day like this for quite some time."

"What?" chorused Vankous and James.

"You'll find out why once you've done this for a million years," said Harry.

"It already feels like three million years," said Vankous.

"Oh stop being dramatic, its only been two thousand something years," said Stean.

"That's two thousand more years than I was planning on living," said James.

"Its what happens when you hang out too long in the time stream," said Harry, "Come on, let's actually go and barbeque something."

Stean's communicator rang out.

"One second guys," he said, picking up the call.

"Heyy sis, what you upto?" he asked.

"Ice Dancing?" he said slowly, frowning at Harry. Harry made an 'I'll explain later' gesture.

"Oh nothing, I was just looking at stuff, you know, this uhh..."

"Movie," mouthed Harry.

"Movie," said Stean, "and I totally picked up ice dancing sometime in the last century. Didn't I ever tell you?" Stean glared at Harry.

Harry shrugged. James meanwhile was covering his mouth with the pack of chips, trying desperately not to burst into laughter. Vankous was just rolling his eyes.

"Holy mother of macaroni, that is not good," said Stean, "We will be there ASAP."

"What was that about?" asked Harry.

"Um, there's a situation there," said Stean, "and umm...well we have to go."

"Seriously?" asked Harry.

"Someone kidnapped Tapu and Jen," said Stean.

All three of them rolled their eyes in unison.

"No I'm serious, they were pretending to be regular humans out on a shopping trip and some dudes just swooped in and well kidnapped Tapu and a bunch of others. They couldn't risk blowing their cover and before you ask, magic and telepathy would have been useless."

"Oh come on, this is a day off," said Vankous, "I vote that we just let Shania handle this alone."

"That's not a good plan," said Harry.

"I second Harry," said James.

"Yeah, we can't just leave it to Shania, she can't track anyone down without equipment, and all of that is you know..." Stean gestured outside.

"Undergoing repairs," finished James, "so what do we do now?"

"Got any orders for us, Captain Hardy?" asked Vankous.

Stean gave him and expectant look.

"Next time we have a day off, I'm taking you guys to the first omegaverse," said Harry.

"Good plan," said Vankous, "but seriously, what's our plan here."

"Like every other plan we've ever had, find the coordinates, find a way to get there and..."

"Improvise," chorused the other three.

"Precisely," said Harry, with a smile.


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134 Reviews


Points: 9475
Reviews: 134

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Sat Jan 23, 2021 5:10 pm
Plume wrote a review...



Hey! Plume here, with a review! I noticed your work chilling in the green room, and decided to bump it out!

I really enjoyed this installment of the story! I'm perhaps sensing another chapter after this one, too. Maybe? I suppose it is technically the end of their day off, haha.

One thing you've done and kept doing well is your characters, and they're part of what makes this story so enjoyable to read. From what I gather, these are characters you've used in other things, and it certainly shows! (In a good way, of course.) I can tell you're comfortable writing for each of them. They're incredibly fleshed out, and it's a marker of your dedication. Good job!

You also have such a humorous writing voice! I was super entertained all the way through. From the moment I read your first paragraph, when you wrote that "the latter was probably true," to the end, where you have them improvise (which never works out in fiction), you had me laughing. It was great. I commend you.

You're also really good at writing action. I was hooked in from the start, and combined with your witty dialogue and banter, it made for a great story!

Specifics

"Heyy sis, what you upto?" he asked.


"Upto" should be two words, "up" and "to." And you've used two 'y's in "hey." Word lengthening is usually just reserved for informal messaging stuff like emails and texts, and I'm not sure how acceptable it is in creative writing. Since it's in dialogue, I think it's fine, but I'm not sure how editors would react to seeing it in there. Just thought I'd point it out regardless.

"Ice Dancing?" he said slowly, frowning at Harry.


I don't think "dancing" should be capitalized; it isn't a proper noun, even when combined with ice dancing. I'm not sure if you did it to emphasize something, or it's a proper noun in this universe, but if we're going by normal rules, it shouldn't be capitalized.

Overall: I really enjoyed this segment. Once again, your proficiency in writing characters is very impressive. Keep writing!!




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449 Reviews


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Mon Jan 04, 2021 2:29 am
Liebensteiner wrote a review...



Heya Harry!

Hope you're doing well. ^^ This is the second part to the last prize for your checklist challenge prizes. Once again, apologies for the delay!

Real quick before I begin: I haven't read the previous segments, but I did quickly go over the description boxes of the other segments a quick read (from your portfolio) so I could briefly understand what the plot was. I see you're using your characters from Alpha Pack in this story so you can get a feel of their personalities a bit more. A very wonderful thing to do!

The creatures in front of him hissed. It was as if they could sense their end was coming, either that or they were just really hungry. The latter was probably true.

I'm pretty sure these creatures are the millipedes :eyes: Also ahh are they about to eat Harry?? (I'm assuming he's the MC in this story)

The air around him crackled with thunder as it ionized rapidly.

Loving this sentence <3

"Vankous, a little help, I don't want to accidentally break the ice!!" yelled Harry

Heyyy, isn't Vankous from the Be Our Guest roleplay? xD Also, one quick thing: two exclamation marks are sort of like breaking the punctuation rule of using more than one punctuation mark. And anyway, "yelled Harry" gets the point across pretty well!

Ahh Stean and Harry's powers seem super awesome right now and I'm all for it! :'D

"superhero landing."

Ahaha I was thinking the same thing xD

"but that's not important, let's get back to enjoying this day off. We aren't going to get another day like this for quite some time."

He says casually as if they had just gone to the store to get peaches >.>

Hmm so Harry has been alive for a million years o.O

"Oh stop being dramatic, its only been two thousand something years,"

omg ok xD

Stean's communicator rang out.

Why do I feel like these superhero people have to go be superheroes somewhere else now?

"Ice Dancing?" he said slowly, frowning at Harry. Harry made an 'I'll explain later' gesture.

What does Harry have to do with Stean's sister adjhfkgh? Or did I read this bit wrong? ;-; Please clarify if I'm mistaken!

Aha I knew it! Something's up! These people need to go help someone else! ...But Harry doesn't seem the most pleased about it lol and neither do the rest with the eye-rolling they were doing xD

"No I'm serious, they were pretending to be regular humans

"Regular humans"? Are they like, undercover spies for Mars or something? <.< Maybe a bit of elaboration would have been nice after the dialogue!

What's an omegaverse >.> I wanna know and I wanna go there ahhh

"Improvise," chorused the other three.

"Precisely," said Harry, with a smile.

This was a cute ending and I love it x3

~

This was a fun piece! Completely laid back (at least for the readers xP) and super easy to read. I like the way these four are interacting with each other, and they seem super friend-like and as if they've known each other for quite a while (which is always amazing when it comes to friends). Wonderful job!

I'd definitely like to see more elaboration on specific things, like what an omegaverse is, what it means to be regular humans, and what their current surroundings are, etc! I'm pretty sure I mentioned this in my previous review for one of the chapters on the Alpha Pack, so I don't think I need to put much emphasis on this. :)

That's it for my review! Hope this was helpful somehow, and lemme know if you have any questions about it. ^^

Wishing you a singing, dancing good time <3

~Lib





Follow your passion. Stay true to yourself. Never follow someone else's path unless you're in the woods and you're lost and you see a path. By all means, you should follow that.
— Ellen DeGeneres