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A Day Off Part 3

by HarryHardy


The millipedes charged and all hell broke loose.

James fired at the first millipede, the bullet harmlessly glancing off. He cursed and fired again and again, the shots continuing to bounce off harmlessly.

"Looks like you should have brought a bigger gun," said Stean.

"Noted Sherlock," said James, running off as the millipede charged right for him.

Stean turned towards another giant one, pointing his palm at the beast. A bright green laser beam scorched the creatures face, leave a large circular burn mark. It charged at Stean.

On the other side of the field, Vankous thrust out his hands and the purple light engulfed another millipede, this one slowing down to a stop quickly as Vankous closed his eyes and concentrated harder.

Harry was left to deal with the remaining one. He gripped the chips tightly in his left hand and waited. As the monster charged, the air around him crackled as the lightning around him intensified. Then he remembered that chips would not do too well with lightning around it and sidestepped at the last second, leaping aside and letting the monster thunder past him.

He whirled around to face it.

Behind him, Vankous was yelling something at the monster as the purple light began to rise into the sky, taking the monster with it.

Stean was firing low powered laser beams constantly, dodging and weaving around the monster and slowly wearing it down as it was peppered with burn marks.

James was nearly at the edge of the lake, firing his gun uselessly at the creature.

"I could really use some help guys!" he shouted from the other end.

"Coming," shouted Harry. He ran towards James, the millipede that he'd dodged turning around and following him.

He tossed the chips towards James as he slid to a stop.

"Catch," he yelled and whirled to face both monsters. James fumbled but he managed to grab the packet and retreat behind Harry.

Harry raised his hands to fire off a bolt of lightning when his wristwatch beeped, indicating an incoming call.

"Oh come on, right now, Rose?" he said, swiping across to answer the call. He turned on his wireless earbuds.

"Hi!" he said as he jumped to the side again, dragging James with him and allowing both millipedes to charge past.

"Heyy Harry, how's the day going?" asked Rose on the phone.

"Wonderfully, isn't that so James?" replied Harry, looking at James. James nodded vigorously in the negative. Harry snuck a glance at the other two.

Vankous was slowly letting fire leach into his cocoon of purple light, the monster starting to get incinerated. On the other side, Stean was continuing to soften up the monster with laser beams.

"What's everyone up to?" asked Rose.

"Oh not much," said Harry, smiling, "James is contemplating a bag of potato chips, Vankous is...uhh barbecuing and Stean is doing...umm competitive ice dancing."

"Since when does Stean do ice dancing?" asked Rose.

"I know right. It was a complete surprise. It looks like the dude has definitely figure skated before."

As he said this, Stean performed a 360, dodging another attack by the millipede and fired off a laser beam, creating scorch mark number 400 on the monster's face.

"What's that sizzling sound I hear?" asked Rose.

"Totally just barbeque," said Harry.

"Well looks like it's burning," she remarked.

"Umm...yaa you're right. I should let Vankous know," he said.

"Ha...he probably got distracted by something," she said.

"Yeah. He might be distracted," said Harry, eyes widening as he saw that the two millipedes had finally managed to stop and turn and were now heading right for James and Harry. James tapped Harry's shoulder furiously and waved his arms at the millipedes.

"I know," mouthed Harry before speaking into the communicator," So how was your day with Shania and Tapu?"

"Uhh fine," she said, a little too quickly, "they're umm...practicing martial arts."

"I see," said Harry, putting a finger to his mouth as James started to whisper that they should do something.

"Anyways, what are you upto?" asked Rose, "just sitting on the sofa and chilling?"

"Yes," said Harry, quickly, "I'm watching this movie where they fight these monsters and one guy shoots lightning. Look you can even hear it."

He pointed his free hand towards the charging millipedes and sent a bolt of lightning at the creatures, sending both of them flying backwards.

"Wow the sound quality on that is amazing. Did you upgrade it?" asked Rose.

"I'm just closer to the T.V. than usual," replied Harry, "just walking around as I talk ya know."

"Ahh...that makes more sense," said Rose.

Harry gave James a look and pointed at the ground. James nodded. Assuming that he had got the message to stay put, Harry ran after the monsters, looking towards the other two again. Vankous was almost done roasting the creature, with only a few random legs remaining to be incinerated. Stean was still doing his ice dance except the creature was now moving much slower. Harry almost felt sorry for the creature seeing how much damage it had taken.

"Harry, are you still there?" asked Rose.

"Yup," said Harry, "sorry phased out for a bit. Got distracted by Stean's ice dancing. He's really good at it. I wonder how long he's been doing it."

"Ahh...anyways, when are y'all planning on getting back?" asked Rose, "That's what I wanted to ask in the first place." She let out a laugh. "Totally forgot about that."

"Crazy how that happens isn't it," said Harry, sliding to a stop a few feet from the monsters that were struggling to get back on their feet.

"Yaa, its been a crazy day today," she said, "I mean its been very normal and the fact that its so normal has made it crazy."

"Of course, pretty much the exact same over here," said Harry, nodding vigorously as if she could see him through the phone, "and to answer your question, we'll probably be back in around three hours or so."

"Earth hours?" asked Rose.

"Yup," said Harry, "we're all using that time system 'cause otherwise James would loose his mind."

She laughed again. "Okay, you guys have fun. See you in a bit Harry. Tell everyone else I said hello."

"Will do sis. Love you. You guys get back safely too."

"Love you too. Bye!"

"Bye," said Harry and the line cut off. He let out a sigh of relief and looked at the monsters that had regained their footing. Behind him, Vankous had just finished off the creature he'd been fighting. The one that Stean was fighting toppled to the ground as he watched, too exhausted to continue to fight. He turned back to the two he'd been fighting.

"Okay time for you two to join your friends." Harry jumped into the air, arm extended.


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Mon Nov 16, 2020 9:59 pm
Magebird wrote a review...



Hello again! I'm here to review the final part of your short story. :)

Great job balancing the action, dialogue and descriptions in this part! Out of all three sections of this story, this was the best when it came to that. There was just the right amount of dialogue to balance out the action and lighten the mood.

With my previous two reviews, I mostly stuck to summarizing my thoughts at the end of the chapter. But now that I'm starting to get a better feel for the characters and world, I thought I'd finish my reviewing spree by also commenting on some of my favorite individual parts as well.

The millipedes charged and all hell broke loose.


A wonderful start to part three! Got to love those millipedes. :P

James fired at the first millipede, the bullet harmlessly glancing off. He cursed and fired again and again, the shots continuing to bounce off harmlessly.

"Looks like you should have brought a bigger gun," said Stean.


I love how Stean's first thought isn't to panic about James's gun not working - instead, he just teases him. It builds on that dynamic I fell with back in the two previous parts, so I'm really glad to see that you continued it in this one!

Then he remembered that chips would not do too well with lightning around it and sidestepped at the last second, leaping aside and letting the monster thunder past him.


This sentence is on the longer side, but I love how you subtly reminded the reader of why the pack was in the woods in the first place. They weren't here to fight monsters; they were here to have some fun. Harry's care with the chips is just the icing on the cake - it shows exactly where his priorities lie right now.

(And also is the perfect reminder of how overpowered he is.)

He tossed the chips towards James as he slid to a stop.

"Catch," he yelled and whirled to face both monsters. James fumbled but he managed to grab the packet and retreat behind Harry.


The chip saga continues!

"I know," mouthed Harry before speaking into the communicator," So how was your day with Shania and Tapu?"

"Uhh fine," she said, a little too quickly, "they're umm...practicing martial arts."

"I see," said Harry, putting a finger to his mouth as James started to whisper that they should do something.

"Anyways, what are you upto?" asked Rose, "just sitting on the sofa and chilling?"

"Yes," said Harry, quickly, "I'm watching this movie where they fight these monsters and one guy shoots lightning. Look you can even hear it."

He pointed his free hand towards the charging millipedes and sent a bolt of lightning at the creatures, sending both of them flying backwards.


I love how this exchange implies that Rose also isn't having a normal vacation day. Where's the spinoff short to the spinoff short that shows exactly what she was up to? Now I desperately want to know martial arts is supposed to be, seeing that we have movies and ice skating for the boys. >>

"Yaa, its been a crazy day today," she said, "I mean its been very normal and the fact that its so normal has made it crazy."

"Of course, pretty much the exact same over here," said Harry, nodding vigorously as if she could see him through the phone, "and to answer your question, we'll probably be back in around three hours or so."


My theory's definitely gaining some more traction.

She laughed again. "Okay, you guys have fun. See you in a bit Harry. Tell everyone else I said hello."

"Will do sis. Love you. You guys get back safely too."

"Love you too. Bye!"


...Either he's used to saying that to her, or he knows that she's up to something, too. :P

"Okay time for you two to join your friends." Harry jumped into the air, arm extended.


This is the perfect way to end the part! I have no idea if you intend to finish this short story or not, but it really does fit the tone of the rest of the story. It also conveys the idea to the reader that this is just another normal day for Harry and his friends - even though it's incredibly unusual to the reader.

Overall, this was an amazing read! I'm glad I decided to sit down and read/review it all in one go. The characters are hilarious, the plot is both exciting and lighthearted, and the idea of a vacation day not going as planned has to be one of my favorite filler tropes. If you write anymore of this, definitely let me know.

(And expect to see me reading The Alpha Pack after my winter break starts in early December!)




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Fri Oct 09, 2020 10:24 am
Staphsendingmenoodles wrote a review...



Hey hey, I'm Staphsendingmenoodles, you can just call me Noodles, only if you want to! Today I am your reviewer/critiquer. I see this chapter is going to be a bit action packed, with a fight happening. Makes sense, so I will critique you in detail, emotion, and maybe scenery for this one. What I mean by emotion is the understanding of it and why your character is feeling this way, and if it's described right. I am very detail orientated within stories so it may become annoying.

--
Kinda not a fan of the one liners, well unwanted one liners, some of the sentences could be in one paragraph, but that's my opinion you don't abide to my opinions.

"Harry was left to deal with the remaining one. He gripped the chips tightly in his left hand and waited. As the monster charged, the air around him crackled as the lightning around him intensified."

Your punctuation is off it should be: "Harry was left to deal with the remaining one. He gripped the chips tightly in his left hand and waited as the monster charged, the air around him crackled as the lightning around him intensified."

Same for this sentence also, well the and wasn't needed, really it should be a comma:"Stean was firing low powered laser beams constantly, dodging and weaving around the monster, slowly wearing it down as it was peppered with burn marks." But I may be wrong about this so don't take this seriously. The punctuation is misplaced throughout some areas but that's only a easy fix here and there, same for some commas.

When speaking you sometimes put a period at the end. It depends on whose speaking, so for example: "You shouldn't have done that," Savannah chuckled into the radio.

That't then of the sentence, if you want to add another quote then you would put a spacer to tear them apart. But overall, the chapter you wrote is fine, just need to put punctuation in the correct place.

-Noodles




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Sun Oct 04, 2020 10:20 pm
LordMomo wrote a review...



Momo, here to review!

I love this so far. It's funny, and keeps you on the edge of your seat! Harry is still my favorite <3. A few grammar things to point out. Here you go!

"Noted Sherlock," said James, running off as the millipede charged right for him.

A comma after noted. This happened again in here, so if you want me to point them out, PM me!

A bright green laser beam scorched the creatures face, leave a large circular burn mark.

It should be creature's.

He gripped the chips tightly in his left hand and waited.

I don't think you need to specify that they're in his left hand. Also, LE CHIPS!!!

"Oh not much," said Harry, smiling, "James is contemplating a bag of potato chips, Vankous is...uhh barbecuing and Stean is doing...umm competitive ice dancing."

That fact that his sister isn't suspicious means this is a usual thing. Kinda scary, if you think about it.

"I know right.

A question mark here instead of a period. This happens again, so if you want me to point them out, PM me!

"Uhh fine," she said, a little too quickly, "they're umm...practicing martial arts."

they're should be capitalized here. This happens again, so if you want me to point them out, PM me! Hmm, Rose is acting suspicious...

"Anyways, what are you upto?" asked Rose,

Upto should be two words here.

"I mean its been very normal and the fact that its so normal has made it crazy."

Its should be it's both times here.

"we're all using that time system 'cause otherwise James would loose his mind."

Lose instead of loose.

That's it! I love this so much, so keep writing!
Momo





A memorandum isn't written to inform the receiver, but to protect the writer.
— Dean Acheson