Young Writers Society

I enjoyed this. In some parts I had a hard time understanding. It took me a while to think of the meaning, but there was a good amount of detail. I also like the title. It caught my interest and I had to read the story. I do agree with cutting words out. I gets long.

This story is very cute. I haven't read anything like this in a long time.

Please continue writing.

~S.M.Locke~

Hello.

It’s been a while. So why waste time.

First, you said you needed help cutting words out, I am more than happy to help so let’s get straight to it. I’ll just put a list. This list will be strictly about omitting words, rather than changing the words that exist. Those I will tackle in my normal criticism.

This is the beginning of the list

’The air cracked apart with pain, jolting Betsy awake.’ To: The air cracked with pain; Betsy woke

‘ ...using the faintly flickering candle atop the nightstand as a northern star to guide her through the gloom.’ to: ... using the flickering candle atop the nightstand to guide her through the gloom.

‘ Entwined in twisted sheets, the writhing figure’s arms flailed, as if conducting each new scream like an orchestra.’ to: entwined in twisted sheets, the writhing figure’s arms flailed.

This is the end of the list.

This is the beginning of the review

Hello. This is my review.

As I said before, it had been a while (my esteemed friend Lia5giba beat me to a review of this) l hope to make up for my absence. So without further ado let us begin. As with many of your works, I take issue with some of the descriptions. The first of these is ‘The air cracked apart with pain, jolting Betsy awake.’ My main issue with this is the first part, I’m not sure what you mean with this first part, perhaps change it to something like an sound of pain cracked through the air’. There is another description that particularly bothers me:’Entwined in twisted sheets, the writhing figure’s arms flailed, as if conducting each new scream like an orchestra.’ My edit to this can be seen in the list of edits above. My other criticism is that this is more of a scene rather than a story, however, this is not really something to fix here, rather it is something to fix in the future.

Now with my (admittedly sparse) criticism out of the way I can give my praise. This story is very atmospheric and memorable. While I have so far enjoyed your comedic work more your more dramatic work is also equally as good. Your are a very talented writer and I hope to see more of your work.

This was my review. Goodbye.

This is the end of the review.

Hello.

It’s been a while. So why waste time.

First, you said you needed help cutting words out, I am more than happy to help so let’s get straight to it. I’ll just put a list. This list will be strictly about omitting words, rather than changing the words that exist. Those I will tackle in my normal criticism.

This is the beginning of the list

’The air cracked apart with pain, jolting Betsy awake.’ To: The air cracked with pain; Betsy woke

‘ ...using the faintly flickering candle atop the nightstand as a northern star to guide her through the gloom.’ to: ... using the flickering candle atop the nightstand to guide her through the gloom.

‘ Entwined in twisted sheets, the writhing figure’s arms flailed, as if conducting each new scream like an orchestra.’ to: entwined in twisted sheets, the writhing figure’s arms flailed.

This is the end of the list.

This is the beginning of the review

Hello. This is my review.

As I said before, it had been a while (my esteemed friend Lia5giba beat me to a review of this) l hope to make up for my absence. So without further ado let us begin. As with many of your works, I take issue with some of the descriptions. The first of these is ‘The air cracked apart with pain, jolting Betsy awake.’ My main issue with this is the first part, I’m not sure what you mean with this first part, perhaps change it to something like an sound of pain cracked through the air’. There is another description that particularly bothers me:’Entwined in twisted sheets, the writhing figure’s arms flailed, as if conducting each new scream like an orchestra.’ My edit to this can be seen in the list of edits above. My other criticism is that this is more of a scene rather than a story, however, this is not really something to fix here, rather it is something to fix in the future.

Now with my (admittedly sparse) criticism out of the way I can give my praise. This story is very atmospheric and memorable. While I have so far enjoyed your comedic work more your more dramatic work is also equally as good. Your are a very talented writer and I hope to see more of your work.

This was my review. Goodbye.

This is the end of the review.

Hey there

This piece was beautifully emotive. I'm unsure of how to phrase how I feel of it, but I'll just say I now really want to read this book!

[quote The air cracked apart with pain, jolting Betsy awake. [/quote]
This is such a strong opening, and I love the imagery!

Half stumbling, half crawling, she moved to the neighbouring bed; using the faintly flickering candle atop the nightstand as a northern star to guide her through the gloom.

Entwined in twisted sheets, the writhing figure’s arms flailed, as if conducting each new scream like an orchestra. Betsy caught one of the flapping hands and clutched it tightly it as she brushed fingers across the fear-stricken face before her.

She remembered when she first came to see him, bandaged and battered. White strips wrapped around his arms and the stump where his leg had been. He had smiled. She had cried. Her darling boy was at last home. Tears and I’m sorry’s had bound that moment in gold and engraved it in time, but all the while a ghost hid behind his eyes. It was the same ghost that hung over the hospital, the battlefields, the world; wrapped in a cloak of desolation with a scythe in one bone claw.

It was the same ghost that hung over the hospital, the battlefields, the world; wrapped in a cloak of desolation with a scythe in one bone claw.

Sliding her hand from his grip, she picked up the spluttering candle form the nightstand and blew the room into a darkness that no light could penetrate.

Hello! Well, I feel kind of rude to start this off with such a cheery greeting.

This story... oh, man. Simply put, it's beautiful. I feel your predicament, that you don't know where to eliminate words! This is such a beautiful piece, so tightly written, that it is difficult to even steal one "the" before letting the Jenga tower fall. And this is beautiful. Your writing style is gorgeous. How do you write like this? The words flow like water on polished stone, sparkling and smooth, clear as crystal... and the actual plot of your story is just as beautiful. It shines under your exquisite writing, and I can feel the characters, I can feel Betsy and Hugh as if they are here.

As much as I would not like to give any suggestions... only two, I swear.

One: "Half stumbling, half crawling, she moved to the neighbouring bed; using the faintly flickering candle atop the nightstand as a northern star to guide her through the gloom." That semicolon is not meant to be there. Semicolons only connect independent clauses, and that second clause is not independent. So use a comma, not a semicolon.

Two: "This was not the first night wrecked by screams." A haunting line, by the way. However, I think the word you're looking for is "wracked," not "wrecked." Look both words up and tell me what you think.

The first line of this story is creative. It's slightly jarring, as I haven't heard anything like it before. But it is such profound imagery... I can feel the silent night broken apart by screams. It feels like wood being chopped, or glass being broken. It is painful. You captured all of that, and put it into my mind.

And the last paragraph... that is how you end this story. It is a haunting, beautiful ending. The candle symbolizes hope (at least in my mind), any light symbolizes hope, and when Betsy blows the candle out it's as if there is no hope left. No more light in his eyes. Or perhaps I'm interpreting this wrong. It wouldn't be the first time.

Thank you for sharing this beautiful work. I wish I could help you narrow down your words, but I fear that if I tried I would just compromise the beauty of this piece.