z

Young Writers Society



...

by QuoolQuo


...


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
44 Reviews


Points: 169
Reviews: 44

Donate
Sat Mar 28, 2020 1:19 am
View Likes
IamI wrote a review...



Hello. This is my review.

This was good. But telling people what they’re doing right doesn’t usually lead to improvement, so let’s start with the bad.

First of these is a grammar error: ‘“wow, now that this poetic pixa.”’, I’m pretty sure you meant ‘that it is’ or ‘this is’ either of these choices works in context and I’d be splitting hairs if I recommend one over the other. The second of these is a slightly off description: where you described a storm that “painting like a toddler with lightning across the sky”, I would suggest removing “like a toddler” from the description, while it would make it more readable. In the similar vein you described lights with a “placid brightness”, perhaps change “placid” to “pallid”, I guess “placid” works, it isn’t really descriptive.

With that out of the way I can give you some praise:

I think this is one of your best works, I was genuinely inspired by portions, especially by the end. This end is also something I feel you deserve praise for; it encapsulates everything a post-apocalyptic story should: the hopelessness, the terror, the helplessness, I can only imagine what it must be like to be the last of the human race, and to know you would never see another living thing again. This could have been something much worse in less capable hands, but you manage to turn it into something beautiful and sad. I wouldn’t mind a prequel.

I apologize if this is not up to par with my other reviews I am unjustifiably exhausted.

This was my review. Goodbye.




User avatar
103 Reviews


Points: 810
Reviews: 103

Donate
Thu Jan 30, 2020 2:28 am
View Likes
shieldmaiden wrote a review...



Wow. This is really, really good. It really dug deep. And it made me really sad. Jeff is all alone with only a robot for company. Pixa is really well developed. She/it sure helped make it seem not totally alone for poor Jeff. She is as comforting and as close to an actual human that you can get. Though this was only a short story, you managed to get her personality through immediately. She is nurturing and caring. I got attached to her right away and forgot that she is a robot. Or a computer. Or both.

Jeff is an amazing character as well. So well-developed. I could sense his pain, yet you managed not to make him sound as if he was always complaining or griping. He seems to be a character who is naturally of cheerful disposition, yet is so lonely. His loneliness really hit home. I would die if I had no human contact.

Nice twist at the end. I find it ironic that the only hope Jeff has at human contact is through aliens. I hope he gets to meet them and is no longer lonely.
Keep writing. You are a stupendous writer!

-Shieldmaiden




Random avatar

Points: 39
Reviews: 46

Donate
Tue Jan 28, 2020 3:50 am
View Likes
BlackThorne wrote a review...



I really love this story! some things to tweak:

1.

It seemed to shy away, bashfully, at his praise.

"shy away, bashfully" is redundant, and vague. try giving us something more specific.
Example:
There was a pleased sing in the artificial voice.


2.
He picked up his pen and began to write out the small paragraph of description. “An excellent opening line, you’ve really outdone yourself.”

in my opinion, the little quip there is pushing the story-within-a-story thing a bit too much. also "a small paragraph of description" is very wordy, try being more concise.
Example:
He picked up his pen and began copying it down. “Great opening line.”


3.
“Having the complete works of Shakespeare, Charles Dickens, George Eliot and Edgar Allan Poe installed on my database, does have its uses now and then.”

your commas need correcting. also I think it saying something like "this many famous authors" instead of just a few named ones would sound more like a real AI if you wanted to do that.
Example:
“Having the complete works of 256 of the greatest authors installed on my database does have its uses now and then.”


4.
Using a small hidden camera in the ceiling, she spied on what he had written down.

in context, "spied on" has a more negative connotation than is fitting. this could also be more concise.
Example:
She looked over his shoulder from a small camera in the ceiling.


5.
His feet passed from cushioning carpet to the cool kitchen tiles and Jeff tapped a large object which several centuries earlier one would have thought was a fridge.

this could use a little breaking up for better coherence.
Example:
His feet passed from cushioning carpet to the cool kitchen tiles. Jeff tapped on a large machine, that several centuries earlier might have been called a fridge.


6.
Is this what this is all about Jeff?

needs a comma, grammatically, but it's worth noting you don't really need the name.
Example:
Is this what this is about?


7.
Out There, was a land of death and decay.

a more specific and visual description would probably be better than generic "death and decay".
Example:
Out There was a world of nuclear wastelands and acid lakes.


8.
The coffee table creaked as Jeff dropped onto it. His legs no longer seemed strong enough to support him with the added weight of this new information.

the sentence about "support him with the weight of this new information" weakens the tone a bit with the diction. try rewording for bigger punch.
Example:
The words hit him with a weight that made his legs buckle onto the coffee table.


9.
A song echoed around the empty apartment, of highs and lows and longing. The message was short and to Jeff, the tune made no sense. But whether he could understand it or not didn’t matter for it was a sound made by another world. A world that was crying out for someone to hear it, so it wouldn’t be alone in this universe of nothing.

the mood of this description seems indecisive. you should either simplify it to the beautiful meaning or the nonsensical qualities, whichever would be more accurate. it would help it be more cohesive.
Example:
A song echoed around the empty apartment, of highs and lows and longing, stretched over seven seconds that dripped with sound. The meaning was incomprehensible. But whether he could understand it or not didn’t matter, for it was a sound made by another world. A world that was crying out for someone to hear it, so it wouldn’t be alone in this universe of nothing.


10.
With a sigh, he leant into a curtained wall and pushed his head into the fabric until he could feel the solid, transparent shield that protected him, behind it.

"window" would suffice.
Example:
With a sigh, he leant into a curtained wall and pushed his head into the fabric until he could feel the cool window behind it.


11.
They were out there, and he was here, separated by a wall built from time.

I think elaborating on this scientific aspect would really enrich the story, as the common reader won't fill in the factoid blanks--it's said by scientists that any alien signals we might receive would be more than millions of years old.

12.
If they came; no one is out there, would become, no one is in here. Such truthful lies.

this is a little confusing phrasing at first glance, you could try rewording for clearer comprehension.
Example:
If they head his reply, and traveled across space to come here, the words "no one is out there" would become "no one is in here."
Such truthful lies.


really cool story! keep up the good work :D




QuoolQuo says...


Hey, hey and thanks for the review!
All your comments were very helpful and I%u2019m glad you liked the story.
Have a nice day :D


Random avatar
BlackThorne says...


no problem!




"We're just all nosy little busybodies."
— SirenCymbaline the Kiwi