Alright. Since we've talked about it, I've already warned you about my ignorance towards how the author feels--I'll try to deliver my points politely, but inevitably they will carry my meaning and my meaning isn't necessarily a hundred percent positive.
Right now, I have two major gripes with how this story is being executed:
1) As far as I can tell, I'm supposed to believe that the Queen is, at the very least, a cold leader with good intentions. I am instead seeing a boy crazy eighteen-year-old girl who is constantly thinking about her childhood crush who we have not seen in two chapters. As of now, she has not proven her worth, she has not given off the impression of a callous leader (proof: she's politely dismissed two people from bowing to her, and treating them with respect, even though, to quote the first part: "She had soon began making less ethnically good choices, and more decisions that hurt people but benefitted her queendom."). I'm starting to think that she really should be replaced with someone more competent to be queen. "But Ellstar," you may cry, "Not all queens have to be emotionless and cold." Yes, but if the reader read in the first chapter that cold and unethical is how the characters around her think she is, the writer must give the audience evidence to that fact, otherwise it'll be useless. I've already reiterated this point many times, and I know we're both getting sick of it. I don't know how the next few chapters will go along, but right now while I am hoping the situation will improve, I doubt it will.
2) The language sounds like it's coming from the mouth of a teenager in the 2000s who can only be considered a good orator when compared to their colleagues. It would fit in some situations, but in the medieval setting (and I'm calling this fantasy, now, regardless of what you say--you cannot argue with the dragons) it just doesn't connect. When the narrator says -"That was weird, she knew that but still made her kind of happy and sad at the same time." 'kind of' and 'weird' are more associated with modern day language than medieval language. It makes the audience think twice, it breaks the suspension of disbelief. And I suppose I could forgive it, if the language wasn't so plain, but it is. It's all very straightforward and lacks complexity, which takes away from the dramatic tone of the story.
Those are my two main gripes with the story so far. So far, I suppose I do like the war going on and how it's being developed, and the worldbuilding looks very professional, but those are background pieces. If the main pieces aren't functional, the background pieces won't help its cause.
Okay, so now that I'm done with my little rant that has probably made the author rip their hair out of their heads, lets move onto the highlights:
-""But I am still under your command and ruler, highness."" I think you might've meant 'your command and rule, your Highness.'
-"We were never in good relationship so this is going to end badly." I think you might've meant 'in a good relationship'.
-"I will go talk with them, even though I know this is no good." I think 'Even though I know it will do us no good' would sound better in this situation.
-"noticing how he was drowning into her pretty eyes." This is what I was talking about when I said plain language. See, 'pretty' isn't a strong adjective. 'Beautiful' is a bit more solid, but still overused. 'Noticing how he was drowning in her cerulean/emerald/amethyst/whatever gemstone eyes' is sort of cliched, but its still more powerful than 'pretty'. Personally, I would describe her eyes with something that is associated with her (ie ice or winter, since she's supposed to be callous, or broken glass, since her view of reality is broken), but literally any other description is better than the plainness of 'pretty'. I have nothing against plain words. I have something against plain words being used to describe things that are supposed to be dramatically more beautiful than just 'pretty'.
-"While thinking for him" 'Thinking of him' is probably what you meant there.
-"She felt her conscious slipping away" 'Consciousness' is also probably what you meant there.
I apologize if I was a little harsh in this review. In my defense, I feel like you can take it since you are usually a better writer and will understand the criticism, so I only implore you to take a glass of lemon tea and enjoy the whispers of nature. My criticism isn't the only voice out there. You don't have to listen to it, but it might prove helpful in certain situations.
Signing out,
--EM.
). There is still the matter of who he is going to attack and why. I look forward to seeing that too.
Points: 19607
Reviews: 383
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