Young Writers Society

Hey!

I'm here to review this piece of yours as a part of the checklist challenge prizes! This is only one of two reviews, but worry not, the second one will probably be for the first chapter of this story. (Also sorry for the delay with the prizes, much apologies >.>)

Alright, time to review!

It was evening in this isolated part of a hated, volcanic planet - Dragon Eye - but it was dusk in the eyes of the young prince who had lost his loving father to patriotism.

Anger or sorrow?

He could now hear the first dragons climbing out of their fiery abodes in the lava in the valley of volcanoes he was in.

The very heart of Raw-si-Der peak.

His tears instantly evaporated into a vapour of courage.

It was dark.

Now the only red glow he saw was that he saw ahead in the cave.

It was a dot of red that soon became a pin, which became a knife, that slowly turned into a sword as he got closer to it.

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hello, dropping into this early in the morning. This should be done within the next couple of hours.

First Impression: Okay. Pretty interesting prologue there. It's certainly very short and to the point; all good things for a prologue. From the first read through it was definitely great at hooking the reader. Immediately you want to go read what all of that means so great job there.

Anyway let's get to the nitpicks,

There was only so much a little boy of four could possibly take in.

He sat under the shade of his castle, tears rolling down his cheeks. None but the last rays of the sun to console him. He knew not what to feel. Anger or sorrow? He could now hear the first dragons climbing out of their fiery abodes in the lava in the valley of volcanoes he was in.

It was protruding out of a rock and it seemed to be made of a strange metal that glowed red and appeared to be hotter than all the lava he'd ever seen, but as he got closer, the sorroundings got colder. The metal glowed a brighter red with each step he took towards it, and then all of a sudden; it stopped glowing. He picked it up. Right then, the silence of the cave was shattered by a thundering roar and he dropped the sword. He watched as the sword turned into something he hadn’t seen in his worst nightmares.

Hello, Grav, I'm here to start reviewing your work ^^ I know you gave me it a few weeks ago, but I wanted to wait for Team Tortoise to start. So, let's begin!

It was evening in this isolated part of a hated, volcanic planet - Dragon Eye - but it was dusk in the eyes of the young prince who had lost his loving father to patriotism.There was only so much a little boy of 4 could possibly take in.

Okay, so you're using italics to state that this is the past, or the prologue or whatever. That's pretty neat, no comments there, it's just unneeded. Also, maybe don't give so much away, keep it a bit more mysterious, it's the prologue, entice people by keeping things nameless at first, give it a mysterious feel. They may know the Jack Frost story (I don't) but don't give too much away in the beginning, trust me.

Lastly, type four instead of 4, it flows better.

“Don’t give in to fear, son! There is no life without fear or failure. Venture into the cave underneath this castle. The very heart of Raw-si-Der peak. There, fear will be your downfall, but if you do make it, you’ll gain power beyond your imagination - the truth about why this castle was built on this peak”.

Again, wordy. I get you're trying to put many things in while explaining the set-up but it could be explained a tad bit better, this doesn't feel like the way people speak to each other.

The metal glowed redder and redder as he approached it and suddenly it stopped glowing. He picked it up.

Oof, Tem, this line is not well-written. This seems like such a cool story, so allow me to re-write in a more flowy way.

The metal glowed a brighter red as he (add an adverb here, I'll use one) slowly stepped closer, and then suddenly it extinguished, leaving him in the dark. He reached his hand out cautiously and picked it up.

More description but no random periods to stop the flow, it wasn't too wordy because they weren't little, unnecessary words, and we added some depth to the story.

OVERALL:

This did the job, I am intrigued. You are a pretty talented writer with a good imagination and I can't wait to see the next chapter. just watch out for your flow and word usage.

Jade

Hello Gravitem! I'm here for a quick review!

I don't think I've reviewed your work before so just want to shout out that I don't mean any offence by anything I say. I am here with only good intentions to try and help you!

That being said, lets get down to it!


The biggest thing I noticed is that your paragraph lengths have more or less the same size and although this isn't a mistake, it can disrupt the flow of your amazingly written piece.

“Don’t give in to fear, son! There is no life without fear or failure. Venture into the cave underneath this castle. The very heart of Raw-si-Der peak.

There, fear will be your downfall, but if you do make it, you’ll gain power beyond your imagination - the truth about why this castle was built on this peak”.

I found it odd that you would have this in two separate paragraphs. Usually with dialogue you try and avoid this unless they are giving you a history lesson. That's basically the only exception really. Annnnd if it was together it could help with the paragraph length thing that I pointed out above.

The entrance to the cave was very well in his view from where he sat.
The wording to this was a bit confusing but it could just be because I'm tired. Who knows!

Anyways, that's the boring stuff!

This seems like a book with a lot of action, a lot of emotion and in short, a lot of fun! Dragon - check! Death - check! Fear - check! Awesomeness - CHECK!
It gave a lot of feeling and that's something not everyone can write properly so awesome job on that.

Overall, I really enjoyed this chapter and would love it if you tagged me in the future.

keep up the good work!

Honora

hay, just love this beginning. pls tag me when u post the rest. thanks!

Hey FlamingPhoenix here with a short review for you. Won't take long.

Okay to start off, I don't normally read rated works like yours but because I wanted you to post this I thought I might as well. So i was expecting some really bad language, but I didn't see anything, and it wasn't to mature ether, so unless its going to get really bad later I would bring you're rating down. But that is you're choice.

Other than that, what a start to a story, I can already feel this is going to be packed with action, and I'm looking forward to it.
I liked how you added some of the past in, and the explain what was going on, it was done really well and it didn't feel rushed but smooth and flowed really well.
When I started reading I just fell in love with you're description, it was so well done, I could see everything before me, it even felt like I was there experiencing all of it. It just blew me away.
Now the end of the story...WOW! What an ending. I wish it didn't end like that >.< but what better way to keep your readers interested and hooked.

So that's all from me, I'm really glad I said you should post this, it was amazing and I really look forward to the next chapter, so this shows you, you shouldn't doubt yourself, because your just as good as everyone else!
I hope this review was helpful to you, and you will write chapter one and post again soon!
Have a great day or night!

Your friend and faithful reader
FlamingPhoenix!

Reviewing with a fiery passion!

Very fascinating! I am definitely pulled in.

Here's my review:

So, they're on a volcanic island it seems. The name "dragon eye" is really cool, I like it! Anyway, besides the planet, I definitely want to know more! Like, what happened to the kid's dad? Who's the kid's dad? Who's the kid? Giving the reader just enough information to understand the situation a little makes them want to keep reading to figure out the rest, so good job there. I definitely enjoyed reading this.

There was only so much a little boy of 4 could possibly take in.

He could now hear the first dragons climbing out of their fiery abodes in the lava in the valley of volcanoes he was in.

There, fear will be your downfall, and if you do make it, you’ll gain power beyond your imagination

He summoned his strength and courage and ventured into the cave.

It was a dot of red that soon became a pin, which became a knife, that slowly became a sword as he got closer to it.

It was protruding out of a rock that seemed to be made of a strange metal.

He watched as the sword turned into something he hadn’t seen in his worst dreams.