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Reminisces of Jack Frost the Third (Chapter 1)

by Gravitem


Warning: This work has been rated 16+.

Part l. Despair. 

Chapter 1

Jack walked across the thirty two thousand feet high platform. The platform was narrow and surprisingly empty. He looked at the twenty four million pixel screen in front of him. His favourite DJ was on fire on his first time on live TV. Jack knew very well what the first song from his playlist would be. In a few moments the song began to ring in his head. It began to crescendo as the crossfade effect wore of and the speakers synchronized with the music playing in his head. Daft Punk. Give Life back to Music.

He kept walking. He realized why he liked the song so much. Every note synchronized with his feelings. He climbed onto the railing of the platform. His third power hadn't yet manifested. A fall from this height would be long and would definitely result in certain death. He waited for the song to end.

He predicted the next song. He was right after all. His anger swelled up to the battle rap. He stepped into the low pressure cyberpunk air of Autopia - the capital city of Arachnion. Before long, he was falling. The air desperately trying to push him back up against gravity. His hair was flying back, trying to elope with the air.

He was certain that half his journey was over. It was just five more kilometers. He knew because of the speed at which he was falling. After all. That was one of his powers. Speed. He could manipulate it. He could live if he wished to. Even if he made his decision to live on a second before a devastating last meeting with the ground.

Seventy five percent there. That's when he heard a voice. "where are you?" The voice sounded sad. His eyes widened. He asked himself. "what am I doing?". His eyes began to glow green. His muscles tightened. His body was sorrounded by a shallow green flame. Time stopped. The fall slowed down. He was standing on the air. He planted his feet, perpendicular to the force that was bringing him down to a gruesome fate. He began to run. It seemed like a second. He was back on the platform railing. A thin looking girl stood in front of him. There were tears on rolling down her cheeks. His eyes widened again.

Time stopped again but just in his head.

"What the fuck is wrong with me?"

He thought, he thought and he thought. He was drowning. All of a sudden, he was standing in a void. Black like the night. No. Blacker still. His eyes looked deep. Deep like an ocean that extended into the universe and further.

He snapped out of it. He stepped forward. He hugged his elder sister like it was the last time he'd hug anyone. He pressed her face against his chest. "I'm sorry Candy. I'm still here. It's okay."

He walked her to a cab station. He looked at the levitating parking lot with its floating cars. He got in not saying a word. He took out his phone, typed something and showed it to the driver. He began to drive, or rather fly them away.

A few minutes passed. The cab stopped. The door to his left slid up. Candace was asleep. He carried her. He stepped onto a platform. He stood there. He kissed his sister on the forehead. He walked towards a door that blended in with the rest of the metal on the building. He was at least a fifty thousand feet above the ground. Well that's just how big the castle was. He didn't care. The door opened by itself as he approached. He walked through a large decorated hall and into a small closet. He faced a blue coloured screen. He tapped the screen with his forehead. It displayed four options. He spoke to the screen. "Candace" he said. The screen sunk into the wall and the closet door closed. The closet began to rise up and a door appeared out of the wall. "Password?" said an automated voice. "Jack" said Candace in her sleepy, tired sounding voice. It made Jack smile. The door opened. Jack walked to a bed. He placed Candace on it and lied down next to her. He pressed her face against his chest and kept on repeating the same thing.

"I'm sorry... I'm sorry... I'm sorry."

He must've fallen asleep because when he opened his eyes, Candace was talking on the phone and there was no light coming through the windows. He had slept through the evening. She didn't ask him any questions. She understood him. As long as he lived.

He got up, opened the door to the closet and went to his room. He checked his phone.

"100+ unread text messages"

It didn’t surprise him. He had skipped all his classes today. He didn’t care. There was nothing there he didn’t already know. He hated going there. He hated everyone. Everyone adored him but he could see through them. He didn’t need to use his powers to read their minds.

In truth, they were all jealous of him. Jealous because of his intellect, his superior powers, his fortunes, and most of all, his blood.

He looked out of the window at the starry sky. It could only be seen from his house. Nothing else on the planet reached the height of his tower.

The stars reflected off of his eyes. 

He thought about why his blood was so important.

He was the heir to the throne of Arachnion – the very heart of the planet. But that wasn't all.


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Sat May 02, 2020 7:07 pm
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whatchamacallit wrote a review...



Hey Myth! I'm here to review the first chapter, before I head to Chapter 2!

I admit I haven't read the prologue, so please forgive me if I say something stupid. (Usually prologues are designed as extra information, and not totally necessary to read to understand the rest of the book, so hopefully it'll be fine.)

Anyway, on to the review! I'll start with some nitpicks, and then I'll give you some general suggestions/comments.

Jack walked across the the thirty two thousand feet high platform. The platform was narrow and surprisingly empty. He looked at the twenty four million pixel screen in front of him. His favourite DJ was on fire on his first time on live TV. Jack knew very well what the first song from his playlist would be. In a few moments the song began to ring in his head. It began to crescendo as the crossfade effect wore of and the speakers synchronized with the music playing in his head. Daft Punk. Give Life back to Music.

A couple of small typos: "the" is repeated twice, and "of" should be "off".
Also, just a little thing I'd like to point out, is that in the first three sentences, you use numbers as adjectives twice. First you describe the platform as "thirty two thousand feet high" (thirty two should be hyphenated, by the way), then you describe the screen as having "twenty four million pixels" (also should be hyphenated). It's not necessarily a bad thing, but it feels a bit awkward having big numbers used twice in such little time.

Every note synchronized with his feelings.

I love how you describe this!

He was right after all.

I'm not sure why you would say "after all"? Did he have a reason to be wrong? Did he usually guess the wrong song?

That's when he heard a voice. "where are you?" The voice sounded sad. His eyes widened. He asked himself. "what am I doing?".

Both the bolded "w"s should be highlighted, since they're the start of a quote.

General Thoughts
1. This seems to have a really interesting premise, and you end on a cliffhanger! It makes me want to keep reading!

2. Throughout the chapter, it's a bit hard to understand what's going on. You need to remember that while you may have a picture of what's going on in your head, your readers aren't mindreaders :] I would just suggest adding more explanations/descriptions to keep your readers in the loop.

3. Jack seems like an interesting and relatable character, I'm super interested in reading more about him!

Overall, this is really well done! I can't wait to review the next chapter!

I hope this was helpful, if anything isn't clear, please ask.

Keep writing Myth <3

Loonzy




Gravitem says...


:)))





:)))





ah gees I hate it when it does that!!!



Gravitem says...


haha <3



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Thu Apr 09, 2020 10:04 am
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Necromancer14 wrote a review...



Interesting! This was a big jump from the prologue. The whole scenario is quite fascinating, and I enjoyed reading it.

Here's my review:

It was interesting that it jumped from Jack's early childhood to being older now. However, you don't say how much older. I know he's still in school, so he can't be older than eighteen.

The suicide thing was intriguing. What was that about? You had better explain sometime in the next few chapters. For now, I'm guessing it was because of his Dad being dead. It's certainly a shocker when you start reading though. It definitely got my attention.

Part l. Despair.


This is me being a bit nit-picky, but I would use a colon instead of a period after "Part 1" e.g. "Part 1: Despair."

The twenty four million pixel screen in front of him.


This is an incomplete sentence. The reader begins reading it expecting something to happen with the screen. However, the sentence just ends. It should be "There was a twenty-four million pixel screen in front of him." The other thing you could do would be to make the period just before into a comma.

A fall from this height would be long and would definitely result in certain death.


This is the part where you go like "Woah, woah, hold up a minute! He's... COMMITTING SUICIDE?!" It's great.

"where are you?" The voice sounded sad. His eyes widened. He asked himself. "what am I doing?"


...And he comes back to reality.

he thought. He thought and he thought.


This should be "He thought, he thought, and he thought." This section was nicely descriptive though.

He walked her to a cab station. He looked at the levitating parking lot with its floating cars. He got in not saying a word. He took out his phone, typed something and showed it to the driver. He began to drive, or rather fly them away.


Wait... what kind of planet is this? Is it the same planet as the prologue?

"100+ unread text messages"


Hopefully he has unlimited.

He looked out of the window at the starry sky. It could only be seen from his house. Nothing else on the planet reached the height of his tower.


He's in a tower? Interesting.

The stars reflected off of his eyes.


Nice descriptions!

But that wasn't all.


Keep reading to find out! Great ending.

This was a great start. The reader just sort of gets surprised by all these different elements that keep popping up. I really like it so far!

Well, that's my review! I hope it was helpful.




Gravitem says...


Lol there's one tiny aspect you won't understand till you read the next chapter lol. Its not that thiny though. lol. Thanks for the review!!!



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Wed Apr 08, 2020 10:33 pm
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JesseWrites wrote a review...



This is from the POV of Jack Frost, so I didn't expect a modern setting. That twist made this piece its own. The science fiction with the planet is something I wouldn't ever see in anything else.

I didn't read the prologue, but I will after to understand some more. Your use of strong language kind of ticked me off, but it makes sense in the context. I do not hate it. Adult words are a medium territory for me.

His powers were described like they were real with the jealousy. That is probably realistic if it happened. He was heir to a planet and that is extreme with struggles behind it. I can't wait for chapter 2 and what you have in store.

~S.M.Locke~




Gravitem says...


Thanks! I'm glad you liked it :)



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Wed Apr 08, 2020 4:11 pm
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Gravitem says...



Hope you guys enjoy this...

@Honora @LittleLee @Necromancer14 @MadagascarMaiden @FlamingPhoenix

Tell me if you want to be added or removed. :)





You won't know the outcome of something unless you try it.
— manilla