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Rain

by Gravitem


It’s raining now,
It was raining when he died
It will keep on raining
I hope it doesn’t when I die.

I’m crying now,
I was crying when I died
Within my mind
That’s all I do; I cry inside.

It was burning then,
Those pieces of paper.
I hope the ashes,
Were worth all the caper.

It makes sense now
Why I would think,
That I was worthy;
I was delusional.

It’s raining now,
It was raining when he died
It will keep on raining
I hope the world ends with me.


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9 Reviews


Points: 204
Reviews: 9

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Sat Jul 04, 2020 5:00 pm
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Goldenwizard wrote a review...



Hi/ Namaste
I'm just a beginner and thus I don't feel to suggest or to point any mistake, because for me it is really beautiful.
Your concept to start with Rain is really touching, for I had also wrote some articles and thoughts getting inspired by the downpour.
The way you have expressed your sad emotions is the perfect way that I would really admire.
For me sadness is one of the strongest feeling and the best to use in poetry, but the important thing is how to put it and I could really see it to be done with the best perfection in your writing.




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70 Reviews


Points: 59
Reviews: 70

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Thu Jul 02, 2020 9:47 pm
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Em16 wrote a review...



Wow. This is amazing. I love the way you center around specific images, such as raining and burning, and use them to expand on your ideas. I think the connection between rain and death is brilliant. Rain creates a setting that is sad and dejected, perfect for talking about die. It’s also slightly morbid, with thoughts of “when I die”.
I was a little confused by the second stanza, however, because you say “I was crying when I died”, which places your death in the past, while in the first stanza your death was in the future. But I like the way you then progress to talk about burning- I think it’s the logical development of death and tears. I like the idea of wondering if the ashes were worth it, though I don’t know what you’re referring to when you say “caper”. I looked it up, and the dictionary says “caper” either refers to “a playful skipping movement” or a type of “edible flower buds”. I would suggest either clarifying what you mean there, or using another word.
I also love the last stanza, and the way it almost repeats the first stanza. It’s such a powerful way to end the poem, while also bringing it back to the idea of rain. Overall, this was an amazing poem!




Gravitem says...


Thanks, Em. By "caper". Well, I meant "dance". It was metaphoric. I was referring to all the excitement in the past. And the ashes are the outcome. Was this really what the excitement was worth? Meh. That's just what went in my head. I don't think it should influence the way you interpret it.



Em16 says...


Oh! That makes much more sense.



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173 Reviews


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Reviews: 173

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Thu Jul 02, 2020 5:17 pm
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JesseWrites wrote a review...



Hello there,

So, I'd usually bug on a poet for not expanding their ideas and opening up with different poetry themes, but honestly I think you're doing fine how you are because your poetry is pretty good and yeah, it's dramatic. I think the overall feeling of the poem makes it harder to understand, but that is not a bad thing.

I'm just going to go through the stanzas as I always do.

It’s raining now,
It was raining when he died
It will keep on raining All of it's pretty basic to start on.
I hope it doesn’t when I die.


Yeah, not the most powerful way to drag emotion from the reader, but the 'rain' makes imagery a little possible.

It was burning then,
Those pieces of paper. This is the imagery that should be present in all of it.
I hope the ashes,
Were worth all the caper.


Now that is dramatic and haunting, that is what every line should contain and every stanza should mimic. It's beautiful.

Onto the last because i don't want to repeat myself.

It’s raining now,
It was raining when he died
It will keep on raining
I hope the world ends with me.Hm. A different vibe comes from this and I can't tell if it's good or if it's bad.


Yeah, it really changed up here with being about death and the weather to something even more sorrowful, to something that doesn't really fit with the rest, but I wont complain as it's a good phrase and written well.

Have a good day,
Haley.




Gravitem says...


Thank you Hey-ley : )



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157 Reviews


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Reviews: 157

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Thu Jul 02, 2020 4:00 pm
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LittleLee wrote a review...



Let me be the first to review your poem!

It's such a haunting, melancholy poem. The very image of rain... Ah. You've done a good job. Okay, but before I praise you, allow me to nitpick.

It will keep on raining

This ought to end with a semicolon.

I was crying when I died
Within my mind
That’s all I do

This is one sentence, which I don't think you made intentionally. Depending on where you use punctuation, the meaning changes, and I assume you meant for there to be a pause after the second line; again, a semicolon would be useful.

I hope the ashes,

There need not be a comma here.

Why I would think,

Same as above.

I hope the world ends with me.

This felt a little too long. Maybe you could try shortening it somehow?

While there isn't a consistent rhyme scheme, I wish you had made some kind of rhyme at least in the last two stanzas.

Now to what I did like.

The repetition of the word Rain was pleasant. It's an aesthetic word, you know?

I was crying when I died
Within my mind

The alliteration/assonance here, wow! It was well done.

It was burning then,
Those pieces of paper.
I hope the ashes,
Were worth all the caper.

This was a surprisingly cool image, and I thought of burning my mathematics textbooks, so this was my favourite stanza.

Overall, the poem made for a good read, was lyrical, held haunting images, and made goosebumps break out on my skin. You've done a really good job! I hope you keep writing!
- Lee




Gravitem says...


Thanks ^ ^. And, that damn semicolon from earlier went when I was formatting the poem. The formatting alone took me like five minutes. ANNOYING. Thanks for the review. My sense of commas is quite haywire.



LittleLee says...


Glad to help!




Edna began to feel like one who awakens gradually out of a dream, a delicious, grotesque, impossible dream, to feel again the realities pressing into her soul.
— Kate Chopin, The Awakening