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Young Writers Society



Soul Cutters Chapter 12

by Gnomish


I groggily blinked awake, woken by the train stopping moving. I could see light streaming in from the corners of the tarp, and I blew out the lantern, which had burned down to a stub. I shook Mel awake with a shake, and tucked my findings under an empty crate before returning to the cart that I had been first showed to. Even if this room was full of smuggled goods, I doubted that Mr. Tinn would appreciate me stealing from them. Before long Mel joined me, her pile of smuggled items out of sight somewhere. We sat for a while, talking about our backgrounds and business in Brutehaven. Most of what I said I made up, and I was pretty sure she noticed, as I was a horrible liar. I had a nagging suspicion that Mel was doing the same thing, though if she was she was obviously used to having to lie. We didn’t have to wait long before Mr. Tinn and another; younger man untied and lifted off the tarp. I clambered out gratefully, relishing in the bright light and clean air. The only light we had in the cart was the little lantern that I carried in my hand. I didn’t bring it for light, and even if I did need it, it wasn’t lit. I hoped that I would be able to find a candle or two for the night as well as some food. I knew I only had an hour to eat and grab enough food to last me to suppertime, but I did hope that I could look around a bit.

We had stopped at a roadside inn; a hanging wooden sign on the door said The Princess Inn in fancy cursive. The inn itself was relatively small, but clean, and a fire was burning in the fireplace. The room was empty aside from a burly looking traveler with his back to us, and an elderly couple who were wiping the tables. Mr. Tinn approached the man wiping the tables, who eagerly spoke for a minute, then disappeared only to reappear a few seconds later with four steaming hot bowls of stew.

“Don’t worry about breakfast,” Mr. Tinn said. “Unless you want anything other than stew everyday, both meals are covered.” I thanked him and after devouring the stew purchased a few bread rolls for the road, as well as some spare candles for the lantern. Thanks to the handy new device I found in the Cartrain I didn’t need any matches, and I wondered what I was expected to use to light the lantern. Both men with us didn’t seem surprised to see Mel, although I was confused to why they didn’t originally put us in the same cart, and didn’t tell me I was sharing with someone else.

We were on the road again quickly, this time put in the same compartment. “Mr. Tinn seemed anxious to get on the road.” I remarked to Mel as we sat on the swaying crates. “Do you know why?”

“No.” She muttered irritably. “I don’t have all the answers to life you know.” I decided to shut up and not bug her any further. I wondered where she had gone at the inn and what was making her so angry. I remembered Emily, and decided asking too many questions was an easy way to get enemies.

A while later, I finally got the courage to ask Mel something else. “Mel,” I began.

“What?” She snapped.

I flinched back, but I was determined to uncover this mystery. “Do you know about something that happened with the Cartrain?” I asked.

She sat up. “Something that happened?”

I nodded hesitantly. “Something that made the Cartrain stop moving people.”

“Oh.” She thought for a moment. “Let me start from the beginning… You know that the Cartrain smuggles objects, right?” I nodded. “Well they used to smuggle people too.”

“People!” I interrupted. “Like criminals?”

Mel nodded. “Criminals, fugitives, anyone who needed to get somewhere without being noticed. Of course, they still took normal passengers, but their role of thumb was that they wouldn’t ask any questions, and if a passenger asked to keep a low profile, they would.”

“Is the Cartrain bad then?” I asked.

“No,” Mel replied. “It did good things, it just helped anyone, regardless of who they were. Anyways, the Cartrain was a bigger operation back then. Nearly a hundred people were part of it. However, one time, they had a passenger. Someone who asked to have meals brought to him. He offered them a lot of money, and they didn’t ask questions. After they dropped him off at his destination, the Orderers came asking after him. It turned out he was the most wanted criminal in the City. He had killed all the other passengers on the trip so that they couldn’t talk.”

I sat, stunned. “That’s awful!” I murmured, shaking with the rocking of the Cartrain.

“It is. Anyways, you can imagine how they felt after that. They banned any people from taking the Cartrain. The Orderers got suspicious about the sudden ban. They seized the lead runner of the Cartrain and interrogated him. He confessed that they had accidently helped Barry Dunhill (he was the criminal), escape the city. The Orderers tried to shut down the Cartrain completely, but the leader refused to reveal who had been involved. The Orderers locked up the leader for not cooperating, but didn’t pursue chasing the Cartrain. Mostly because they realized that it was mostly due to an accomplice in the Cutting Center who had helped Barry Dunhill escape, not the Cartrain.”

“An accomplice in the Cutting Center?” I asked.

“Yeah. They looked into it and found someone who was a Cutter and part of the Cartrain. I think Dan Parson was his name. They arrested him.

“With no evidence?” I gasped.

Mel shook her head. “No evidence. But they assumed that since he was part of the Cartrain, he must have somehow convinced Bert to smuggle Mr. Barry Dunhill.”

“Bert?”

“Bert Hanbull. He was the leader of the Cartrain.” Mel replied.

“That’s who Emily was talking about!” I gasped. “She and her companion must have been in the Cartrain, and that’s why they were so worried about me taking the Cartrain!”

“What?” Mel asked, leaning forward.

“Nothing.” I replied quickly. “Just thinking.”

“No, wait.” Persisted Mel. “Who’s Emily?”

I looked away. “Just a friend. What happened to Bert Hanbull?”

Mel leaned back, suspicious. “He was released after a couple of years. He began to run the Cartrain again, took it over from his followers. However, almost all left. There’s just a few, ten or so, Cartrain workers now.”

“And Mr. Edward Tinn is one of those people?” I asked.

“Yes. So are his young friend, and the people at the stations.” Mel replied.

“Hmm.” I said. “Is Dan Parson still in prison?”

Mel shrugged. “Last time I checked he was.”

“And it was never proved that he was actually guilty?” I persisted.

“No.” Mel shot back. “Why do you care?”

I shrugged. “I don’t like the thought of the real culprit running around, I guess.”

“What makes you think that Dan Parson isn’t the real culprit?”

“I don’t know. It just doesn’t seem right.”

“Humph.” Muttered Mel. “Well, Miss Detective, good luck solving that mystery.”

Just then the train pulled to a stop again. “Suppertime?” I asked.

Mel nodded.

A few minutes later Mr. Tinn came and helped us out of the cart. Supper passed quickly, with more stew. I purchased a couple more candles and another few buns for the morning. Once we were back in the moving Cartrain, I worked up the courage to ask my other question.

“Mel.” I began.

“Yes?” She replied.

“Who are you?”

Mel looked taken aback. “I told you. I’m nobody.”

I shook my head in frustration. “Honestly. You must have come from somewhere. And how do you know all this? And-“

“Shut up!” Mel cut in. “I’m nobody, and that’s all you need to know. You don’t see me pressing into your past, do you?”

She leaned back on her crate and closed her eyes. I sighed quietly. She was right. I thought back to what she had said about the Cartrain. Who would have helped Barry Dunhill, a murderer and who knows what else, escape the city? I lay back, tired, and soon fell asleep. 


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557 Reviews


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Thu Aug 29, 2019 3:46 am
Ventomology wrote a review...



Hello hello! I'm sorry I haven't read the previous chapters of this work, but it's at the bottom of the Green Room and deserves some love, so let's get right to it.

1. Okay this is me being silly but every time I see "Cartrain" I cannot help but think of the Caltrain in the San Francisco Bay Area. I had a little laugh about that.

2. I noticed that there's very little action within your dialogue sections. There aren't even a lot of tags. It's easy to get away with few tags and fewer actions when you only have two people talking, because the back-and-forth makes it easy to keep track of who's talking, but by skipping over the little movements of conversation, you miss out on a lot of nuance in the characters' expressions and body-language.

My rule of thumb is this: Every few lines of dialogue, it's a good idea to write about the dialogue. We can...

a) process the information in the spoken word (i.e. what does the information mean to the narrating character? How does it affect their plans and their emotions? What can we conclude from that information?).

b) describe the actions that occurred throughout the last line of dialogue (i.e. how did the speaker's facial expression change and what did that expression look like on the specific features of their face? Was there nuance or depth in that expression? Did they make a big gesture, or did their tone of voice change?).

c) step back and reorient ourselves with the surrounding context (i.e. make a note of anyone listening in or not listening in, comment on whether the conversation at hand feels appropriate to the surroundings, or just... plain old setting description time)

Balancing out the action, information processing, and context of a dialogue-heavy scene will help your paragraphs look better on the page, and will provide way way more information to the reader about your characters and the world around them. It will contribute greatly to the way a plot moves, and even helps scenes flow more smoothly in and out of dialogue by giving some consistency of format and content.

3. I love that there's some cool history for this smuggling group. I feel like there's often a lot of hand-waving when it comes to mysterious groups, because they're mysterious, but it's really nice to get some fleshed-out information about how things were, and why they changed. Plus, they seem like a pretty good group.

I hope this helps! Until next time,
-Vento




Gnomish says...


Thanks, this helped a lot!



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Sun Jun 30, 2019 6:09 am
Dossereana wrote a review...



Hi @Gnomish I am here yet again with another review for you, so lets get right into it shell we.

I groggily blinked awake, woken by the train stopping moving.
Okay so I was think about this line for a bit, and I feel like it can do with some work, and changing up. So I am just going to make a suggestion for this line for you, and it will be up to you if it sounds better.

Okay I really do think that the rest of the chapter was great I think you did a really good job on this one. But still try to go into your characters thoughts a bit more it mite help you. I am also finding that this story is getting a bit boring and were on chapter 12 and I feel like not much has really happened that will get your reader really drone to the story.

Suggestions
The changed line, I groggily blinked my eyes to awake. I was woken by the train stopping a abruptly.

So that was my thought to that line, I think that is better. But you can compare the two and see witch one you like most.
the non changed line, I groggily blinked awake, woken by the train stopping moving.


So that is all that I can say. If I was being to harsh then I am really sorry pleas will you forgive me. So keep up the good work. :D

I hope you have a great Day/Night

@Dossereana Out In The Sky Of Reviews

Happy Review Day




Gnomish says...


Thanks, I think I'll change that line!



Dossereana says...


Glade I could help :D




We know what a person thinks not when he tells us what he thinks, but by his actions.
— Isaac Bashevis Singer