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A Sailor's Tale

by Genius No.1


It was time. The sun was high and the waves were rolling over the blue water. The Silhouette was resting at the docks awaiting her maiden voyage on the open sea. Her crew was busy; bustling around on the deck, making sure everything was perfect. Families were saying good-bye to their loved ones, bidding them a safe voyage and an enemy destroyed.

There were many sailors aboard this ship. Young, old, middle-aged, all coming from different homes, all going for their country. There was a father squeezing his children one last time. A young boy, around the age of 16, was consoling his weeping mother on the shore.

The sails were up, everything was ready. The young boy left his mother. He couldn’t turn back. He had made his choice.

Looking back at it now, it was the most heart-wrenching choice he had ever made and ever will make: To serve the country of his birth in his fathers stead. His mother had discouraged it, but he knew it was his duty as a citizen of England and in honor of his father.

It was a dark night when the boys’ family had received the letter of his father’s death. He had been fighting in the Caribbean. Pirates were threatening the colonies and his father’s crew had been sent to defend them. Pirates are heartless beings who care only for material wealth; they will show no mercy.

It was only two weeks ago and England was sending more sailors over for the cause. There was such an empty hole in the boy’s heart. He had to get away, and serving his country seemed to be his only way of keeping his father alive in his heart. The navy was willing to accept anyone.

He signed up. “Silas Rutledge”, he wrote on the sheet. There were thirty or more names as well. All willing men, some of whom he knew or heard of, but most were strangers. They were to be under the authority of Captain John Ellington. He sounds like a noble man, Silas thought, a good captain.

Deeply grieved was his mother when she heard he had enlisted. She had just lost a husband and now she was losing a son as well. She tried to persuade him not to go, but these attempts were fruitless. He was a stubborn boy, just like his father. His mind could not be changed.

For the next week Silas prepared to leave for the Caribbean. His heart and mind were indifferent to life. Deep in his thoughts he started to second-guess himself. His father died fighting, would he? Did he enlist to Death? I am no coward; he told himself, I am not afraid to die. His mother’s pleas were tugging at his heart. But to give in now would be to turn his back on his country and be branded a coward.

It was time, there were no turning backs now. Leaving his weeping mother, Silas walked as boldly as he could onto the deck of the Silhouette. He could hear the cries of the small children as their father left. Back then he didn’t realize that it be the last time he would ever see him again.

The Silhouette was now leaving the docks. Silas waved to his mother. He hoped and wished that it wouldn’t be the last time he would ever see her. Finally he turned his back o the old life ready to embrace the new. He knew not what lay ahead. All he could see was a blue sky and a wide open sea.


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Fri Feb 02, 2007 11:10 am
Myth wrote a review...



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*

Looking back at it now, it was the most heart-wrenching choice he had ever made and ever will make: To serve the country of his birth in his fathers stead.


Ought to have an apostrophe: father’s

It was a dark night when the boys’ family had received the letter of his father’s death.


Here, I assume, you talk about one boy, the one previously mentioned, so the apostrophe is placed wrong: boy’s

Pirates are heartless beings who care only for material wealth; they will show no mercy.


You change tense here. If you want to keep it that way, you could have this in between speech marks as a saying—something that people generally thought of pirates.

It was only two weeks ago and England was sending more sailors over for the cause.


I think ‘had’ would be a better choice than ‘was’. If you do go for ‘had’ then you’ll need to add ‘been’ after ‘only’: That had only been two weeks ago and ...

He sounds like a noble man, Silas thought, a good captain.


Some writers don’t like having thoughts in italics, I don’t know if you do or do not but see if it suits.

It was time, there were no turning backs now.


‘backs’ = back

Leaving his weeping mother, Silas walked as boldly as he could onto the deck of the Silhouette.


The name of the ship is meant to be in italics, you did it the first time so I guess you forgot here.

He could hear the cries of the small children as their father left. Back then he didn’t realize that it be the last time he would ever see him again.


The first sentence is about some children, by the way if these children are not related the word would be: fathers, as there are many fathers and brothers, etc, leaving.

The second sentence goes on to say he would never see him again, who? His own father? Why bring his father here when he is on the ship or does he remember his father’s departure?

*

Hello! It is always great to see new historical fiction being posted.

The only problem I have with this is the mix of present and past. Silas boards the ship, etc, and then you talk about his father, his mother’s distress when he decides to leave and then he is back boarding the ship again.

As a beginning it is interesting and I would read on if you posted further. Though I felt no emotion, as Wigs said, show not tell.

-- Myth




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Fri Feb 02, 2007 4:25 am
Wiggy wrote a review...



This was...well, boring. I don't mean that in a bad way. You've got a plot, but it's so lacking in description that it seems like a bare bones outline. Add spice and flavor to it; tell how sad his mother was. Add dialogue! Most importantly, show, don't tell. Don't tell us she was sad; SHOW us! Was she weeping, clutching onto the folds of his cloak for one last remembrance? I don't mean to sound mean here, but in order to make it interesting, you're going to want some description here.

Good luck!




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Thu Feb 01, 2007 10:50 pm
If_Rocks_Could_Fly wrote a review...



Her crew was busy; bustling around on the deck, making sure everything was perfect.

Kill the semicolon, if you must have a pause there use a comma, same with the second comma. You don't need it, but if you must pause ><.

The sails were up, everything was ready. The young boy left his mother. He couldn't turn back. He had made his choice.

Expand this, it is a very emotional scene if I'm correct, make it feel like it.

Finally he turned his back o the old life ready to embrace the new.

You forgot a t on to :D

Otherwise it is very good. Add more description





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