Young Writers Society

Hi there! I'm reviewing using the YWS S'more Method today!

Hey, friend! Ellie here. I read this poem yesterday and really enjoyed it so I decided to leave you a quick review Let's get right into it.

Top Graham Cracker - What I Know

This poem begins with the writer explaining two different situations:

my friends tell each other jokes,

with laughter so loud it fills the lunchroom.

—

my family gathers 'round the dinner table,

engaging in deep and hearty conversation.

From this, I get the sense that the writer feels like they are an outside observer to these situations. They are watching these things happen while being consumed with their own troubles.

We see this when the writer says:

I am too, but it isn’t long before I falter.

I love the use of the word falter in this sentence. I sense that the writer feels like they are performing, in a way. They are putting on the act of fitting in and "being normal" but on the inside, something much deeper and scarier is occuring.

it isn’t long before their lives flash before my eyes.

I suddenly feel distant, like I’m miles away,

even though I haven’t moved an inch.

"There eyes flash before my eyes" wow!!! amazing job. I love the idea of another persons life flashing before my eyes. that is incredible poetic. normally someones own life will flash before their eyes in a life or death situation. this shows us that what the writer is experiencing is extremely powerful in influencing them and their emotions, but that it also involves the people they are with, in the case of this poem their friends and family. it seems like the people closes to them are the ones involved in these nightmares.

the poem goes on to explain that the writer has seen these people die, endless times in nightmares.

I’ve seen faces torn off by giant beasts.

I’ve seen mangled corpses sitting on my couch.

I’ve watched people fall to the ground as their heads explode.

I’ve heard people scream as their houses were bombed.

i love the boldness of these "I've" statements. I love your use of repetition as well. it feels like someone who has just witnessed a tragic accident and is still in shock, "i saw this and that and this and that".

I love the close of this poem so dearly. its perfect, really, truly.

I have to look into the eyes of my friends and family,

pretending that I never saw them ripped to shreds.

—

they’re laughing.

they’re smiling.

but I’m not,

not anymore.

i love how we revisit the beginning of the poem, except now, as the audience we know what the writer has endured. we see the shift. they are no longer smiling, they are no longer able to have that appearance of trying to fit in.

Slightly Burnt Marshmallow - Room for Improvements
(CONTENT - include specific suggestions)

honestly, the point im about to make is minor, haha. this poem is lovely and dont feel the need to change anything because i love your style.

we go from a statement like this:

I’ve watched people fall to the ground as their heads explode.

I’ve heard people scream as their houses were bombed.

to this statement:

I could only watch helplessly

as my siblings got thrown into white vans,

never to be seen again.

though watching siblings be kidnapped is an absolutely HORRIFIC and awful thing, the words "white van" give a lot less dramatic effect than "houses bombed and head blown off" that we just read. on its own, there is nothing wrong with it, but i feel like the decrease in effect was a little noticeable. so maybe making the white van paragraph a little more extreme. you could add somthing like, "all i think about is how i dont know if they are alive and i pray they arent in pain" or somthing to make that part slightly more intense. does that make any sense? maybe i am just rambling now, haha XD

Chocolate Bar - Highlights of the Piece

my FAVOURITE part of this poem was:

oh, if only they knew.

if only they knew

how many times I’ve seen them die.

this seriously gave me chills. i love darker poetry. and even though this is not dark in the way of wanting to harm people, it love the boldness of this statement. if only they knew how many times i have seen them die. i love it. i love your boldness and i love how straightforward you were. and actually, that is something that i absolutely LOVE about your writing. you dont waste time on things that dont matter, or things that are not important. you get right to the point and since you do that, i connected so well to this piece!! BRAVO!!

Closing Graham Cracker - Closing Thoughts

i love this!! 10/10. seriously, your poetry is brilliant! never stop writing, please

Ellie Mae