z

Young Writers Society


16+

The post-perpetual world - Kannan

by Apricity


Warning: This work has been rated 16+.

Those who've been to a memory clinic would know that it's impossible to quieten down your mind whilst they prepared the drugs.

Those who've been to a memory clinic would also know that any advice given for quietening down your mind was equally as useless.

Who needed advice when they've got drugs in the air to tranquilize you.

Not to mention your brother died here because some jack-ass messed up the dose. The thought itself doesn't bring as much pain or anger as it did three months ago, maybe it was this renewed purpose for coming here or maybe the pain had just dulled from the dose of morphine I had this morning.

Either way, as I sat on the plastic chairs and watched the skyscrapers outside swirl with fluorescent lights, their reflective mirrors detailing the misery of all that walked below. I felt at ease thoughit wasn't a pleasant ease, it was a sluggish, synthesized calmness that simply slowed down the pace of my thoughts and blanked them out.

So, they changed the chemicals again this time. I mused as I sank back into the plastic chair, wondering how is it that the air still managed to smell like a bucket of bleach.

'This place stinks like hell, why do you even go here.' Margo's purple lips twisted into a disgusted grimace as she surveyed the clinic, 'Jim wouldn't have wanted this.'

'Jim's GONE.' I bit hard on the second word, willing my eyes to contain the tears.

"Kannan...."

"214B." I peeled myself off the chair and headed towards the small room located at the back, it was a closed room with sterile metal walls and a single bed covered in cotton sheets situated in the center of the room. A tray positioned precariously on it, its clear liquid still as shadows as a guy with a Mohawk prepared the dosage with precision.

"Hey." I said.

He looked up and gave me a perfunctory nod.

Well hey, I tried. I sat down on the bed and swung my legs over and leaned back, not that there was a terrible lot to look at in this room. My thoughts were slow enough now that it just revolved round in a mindless reverie, Mohawk guy was obviously new. The syringe were poised between his second and third fingers, he looked at me.

I waited.

"You're Jimmy's brother, aren't you?" The syringe stayed still whilst he talked.

"That I am." I agreed affably, it wasn't the first time someone had asked me this. Especially the new ones who were always far too cautious with everything they do.

"You know why he went over?" Mohawk guy set down the syringe on the metal tray, eyeing it with something close to disdain.

Ok, he was obviously not new. Not even the others employees have spoke about this, his death wasn't even discussed amidst their inner circles and certainly not to me. I was vaguely aware of the constriction in my throat, my mind warning me to back away and follow the normal procedures. This was too risky, to start unravelling things again.

Remember what happened last time, remember Go? She's going to castrate you and then, she'll kick you for good measure. 

"An over-dose." I responded by reflex, it was what I've been done but even an idiot would've known an overdose wouldn't make a body disappear from a room.

His look told me as much.

"Who are you then?" I opted instead, hoping to shed some light on his identity. "Are you going to admit the drug today?" I nodded to the syringe, innocently sitting on the tray.

"Who I am doesn't matter. We live on two separate planes of reality, in fact, I'm not even meant to be here. I'm breaking a rule to see you, so stop being such an ungrateful brat." He delivered in a monotone, wiping his hands on the pair of ripped jeans.

"I'm not a brat, dick-head." I replied in the same manner, standing up swiftly, a wave of unforeseen anger pricking my forehead. "Don't ever call me that again."

"Calm down, kid." Mohawk guy peered into my eyes, his demeanor total opposites to his appearance. He was more suited to working in one of those tall skyscrapers, with polished mirrors that reflected our miserable lives.

"If you're in such a hurry, why don't you tell me and get the fuck out?" My mood irritated, this room started to shrink and converge on my senses. My body felt tight, as if bounded by ropes and the guy's cryptic attitude certainly didn't help.

"I can't tell you, because this isn't something I can tell you, you will have to experience it I'm afraid." He said.

"Experience what, what are you talking about, is this some phony joke?" I rolled my sleeves up and prepared to beat the daylight out of him, Mohawk or no Mohawk.

"Everything, this. Look I don't have much time, thanks to you being a total idiot." If someone's demeanor could change within seconds, then he just nailed it. It was as if he shed a layer of skin, revealing who he really was or maybe it was just another façade. He slouched forward, slumping his shoulders towards the ground, lines and creases appeared on his previously marble face.

It took my a few seconds to close my mouth and found coherent thought.

"W..who are you?" I stuttered, moving back a few steps.

He muttered one word before...promptly disappearing into thin air, or fat air, or anything sort of air. He just disappeared.

What was that all about?

I wondered if this was some elaborate plank set up with hidden cameras, or if the Mohawk guy was only a hologram projected to test me. If so, did I fail that test or pass it? Why did they do it, what do they want with me? What if this was all a conspiracy against me? Were they waiting outside, was this an ambush or trap of some sort?

The good thing about back alley clinics is that, no one don't quite care about correct procedures . Walking out of the room attracted no attention whatsoever, the receptionist flickered her cat ears as a greeting and I walked out.

Out of all the technology they've developed in this god-forsaken city, why do they have to come up with a way to grow cat ears. It's just odd. Not to mention utterly useless as thr human body can't adpat to the world as cats do.

I started violently at the sound of a slamming doors, my nerve endings seem to tingle with apprehension at every microscopic sound. Stalking out of the alley as fast as possible, breathing in the brisk, night air that was also laced with the smell of grease and sewer waters before setting off towards our apartment. I sniffed at my clothes, the smell of bleach and anti-bacterial air-freshener inevitably drenched into the cotton and sighed.

Time to buy a new shirt, and this one only lasted three days. 

A.N: Just out of curiosity, to those who are following this (I love you all


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Mon Mar 16, 2015 9:47 am
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carbonCore wrote a review...



As with most of my reviews as of late, this one is difficult to start; I don't know just how much I can do to help this piece.

The good thing about back alley clinics is that, no one don't quite care about correct procedures .


This sentence was mentioned twice before me.

I felt at ease thoughit wasn't a pleasant ease,


This was mentioned once.

Neither of these issues were fixed before my review. I could comb through and pick out other problems, but what's the point if they aren't going to get fixed? The piece doesn't respect my time by making me repeat these issues. Here is a longer discussion on this topic.

If there is an advice I could give based on these experiences, it's to edit the story before posting it on the website at least once, and then edit it afterwards as many times as needed. The very visible lack of a parenthesis at the end further reinforces my view of this story as a discarded, uncared-for miscarriage. It's a terrible shame, because the story underneath it tantalizes with the glimmer of promise.

The main character's emotions do have to be deadened a little bit, as Meandbooks mentioned before me. People wanting to punch doctors in the face doesn't ring of realism to me -- even if a dead brother is involved (and especially when the same dead brother is mentioned in the same breath without any air of hostility just prior to this angry flare-up).

The usual: a bit too many musings on the world happen throughout. Introducing the dead brother at the same time as the memory drug would've been ideal, because it gives me an immediate context for the memory drugs. Otherwise, three (admittedly tiny) paragraphs are spent on decorative nothings before telling me why I should care about this pharmaceutical.

Saying that this guy muttered one word before disappearing and not saying what that word is feels either like a cop-out or a lazy way to build mystery. No importance was attached to this word, and no reason for not revealing it was given. I forgot about it by the time I finished the story, and remembered only on my next read-through.

There is good to this. I'm intrigued by the sudden vanishing of the Mohawk-dude, and I'm drawing interesting parallels between his poofing and Ning's (not-quite?-)dead sister. Jie jie lies dead and dreaming, the ancient tomes say. It's almost like this reality is made up of curtains which are inhabited by various peoples, some of whom can travel in between the layers. I'm certain you realize why this would appeal to me, and my interest in this series is further drawn.

Your shirt,
cC




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Fri Mar 06, 2015 12:28 am
Void14 says...



Wow, this is really good! I like your vocab a lot, it works well. It actually sounds like you know what you are saying, unlike me. The ending is pretty funny and gives us a little hope that this guy gets a better life(not). I hope my review wasn't helpful(not).




Apricity says...


Glad you liked it.



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Sun Mar 01, 2015 3:20 pm
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TimmyJake wrote a review...



Coming here before my YWS snoozing session during the week. ;)

The first two sentences are perfect. In fact, they may be my favorite sentences you've written so far in the novel. They ask questions, they show where the character is at, they show a bit of what the place is like - all of that and more. And that beautiful repetition. <3 Please plz keep that up.

swirl with fluorescent lights


So you're saying skyscrapers, and I know this is a more technologically advanced society/time they're living in, and even now people are beginning to move away from the fluorescent lights and towards LED. So perhaps that's something you can look at? A minor thing I noticed.

I felt at ease thoughit wasn't a pleasant ease,


Fix the obvious technical thingy, and I would find a synonym for the second ease

He delivered in a monotone, wiping his hands on the pair of ripped jeans.


So I thought this at first was just like his tagline - he delivered kind of thing, you referring to his speech than his actions. But then I saw that Kannan stood, so I assumed the stuff in the syringe had been given to him. Perhaps give us more details in that part? I'm curious also where the syringe goes, and how it feels. I've only ever had one syringe, but it didn't exactly feel great - although it didn't hurt much, either. And the feeling of the drug would immediately slide into him, right? I didn't even get a feeling from him as to tell me how the drug felt, or even if he felt nothing from it. I'm just curious, because most drugs do have a sensation which accompany them (hence the addiction to them), so it seems as though you should go into the affects, if any, he gets from the injection.

"I can't tell you, because this isn't something I can tell you, you will have to experience it I'm afraid." He said.


So. Dialogue tags. The one and only purpose for a tagline is to tell the reader that such and such person is speaking. That is the only thing it does. So with that in mind, the tagline should go towards the beginning of the person's dialogue rather than all the way at the end. I usually go for the end of the first sentence, if they're super short. Or, as in this case, after the first comma. Because your readers need to see who is talking, and without a tagline or some indication as to who is speaking, they're flying without direction. So perhaps: "I can't tell you," he said. "Because this..." would work better? Work with it. Tweak it. See what you can do.

close my mouth and found coherent thought.


And find coherent thought.

alley clinics is that, no one don't quite care about correct procedures .


Look that sentence over. It needs help. :p

So the part with the cat ears was pretty awesome, and I loved it... until I made the connection with Hunger Games. While it isn't exactly Hunger Games, it does venture near that line. So just be careful with that you do there, as there was even a character who'd given themselves whiskers and such in the HG series. So while it isn't an exact copy over, and has its own bit that makes it yours, this is just me waving maw flag to let you know to not cross it.

"W..who are you?


An ellipsis signals a pause - not a stutter (or at least in my bit of experience, being scolded for using it). Perhaps this article will help you out a bit with that. I just found it and went, ah! - perhaps it'll help. xD Seemed interesting, anyway.

Those who've been to a memory clinic would know that it's impossible


Something you do I've had a problem with for years is the usage of that. In many places, such as the sentence above, it doesn't actually add anything to the sentence. Read it with it. Read it without. The sentence flows smoothly without that, and since it's just a tacked on word now - you should remove it. Any superfluous words should be removed.

So this new character has a different voice than the first - something I always have a hard time achieving. His usage of language, while being something I cringe at sometimes (he's imaginative, though), pushes his character towards that goal. And how you used thought more in his perspective. Keep it that way. With Ning, I'd leave almost all thought (thought in italics - direct thought) out of the narration, so that this can be one thing which is only only in Kannan's perspective. It'll be another thing that pushes the uniqueness of his character forward. Continue to find unique traits in your character to push his narration forward, but you have a wonderful start towards that.

He's much different than the other character, although that feeling of the importance of family still lingers in his perspective. I like that. He's addicted to that drug, though, and I have a feeling it's going to play a big part in his future. And the future of the book. Keep this writing up, as I really really enjoy this! Any future reviews from me on this novel won't apply towards your review number left from Kickstart. c:
~Darth Timmyjake

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Sun Mar 01, 2015 2:58 am
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Blues wrote a review...



Yo, Flite. Bluesy here for a review.

I really really liked this. I thought it was really interesting and I loved how everything didn't seem quite clear, as if we were in a dream; I couldn't really tell if it was a short story or part of a novel until I checked the top though.

Having said that about the confusion... there were parts that felt too confusing. For example, when the guy disappeared, I couldn't help but think that it was a bit fast. MC seemed to be confused - and then not, incredibly quickly. It felt like it was all moving too fast here and it was over before he seemed to register that he'd just disappeared. I feel like it could do with a bit of slowing down; it feels like we're whizzing past a lot of things without any chance to catch up with the story.

I'm not sure if you've done this deliberately, but I'd like to also see a bit more sensory description. He seems quite disconnected with his surroundings - which obviously suits it - but I'd want to see more about himself (I'm assuming he's male) and his reaction - his heart racing, sweat falling and whatnot. It feels more like a hallucination than a dream - well, we can't even tell what he's going through - and I feel like that't bring that out more as we'd have some kind of base to feel the disconnect between what's actually happening and what's going on in his mind - and it sounds like there's a massive going on up there.

Also, I noticed a few comma splices here and there where a dash or (semi-)colon would do. For example,

I agreed affably, it wasn't the first time someone had asked me this.


A dash for example, would work there. I guess just proof-read again xD

But that's it! I'm really intrigued to see where this goes and let me know when you post another one. Keep writing,

~ Bluesy.




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Mea wrote a review...



Well, this was interesting for sure.

I have to admit, I'm hooked. I love the futuristic sense this gives - the cat ears was a really nice touch. You've also got a great voice for the narrator.

I did have a problem with the scene where he blows up at Mohawk guy. It seemed weird that Mohawk guy called him a brat, since I didn't think he had done anything particularly bratty. My overall impression with that was "well that escalated quickly." This would have been fine if I'd seen a reason for Mohawk guy to call him brat in the first place, since Kannan is clearly not at his best emotionally, but I didn't, so the scene didn't work for me. (Vanishing into thin air is interesting, though.)

The only way I can see that this is connected to the first part is that both characters have lost a sibling, and they both hear voices relating to that. (At least, that's what I assume this section is):

'This place stinks like hell, why do you even go here.' Margo's purple lips twisted into a disgusted grimace as she surveyed the clinic, 'Jim wouldn't have wanted this.'

'Jim's GONE.' I bit hard on the second word, willing my eyes to contain the tears.

"Kannan...."


The main issue I have with this is that I still don't feel grounded in the story. In the last chapter, we had basically no idea of the narrator's life and surroundings. Most of it was a bunch of thoughts and emotional stuff. In this part, it is better, but we still have no sense of either character in their normal lives, at home or at work or wherever. We don't feel grounded in the world, and that void needs to be filled soon - preferably in the next chapter or two. Right now, I feel like I've opened up a novel to a random page and started reading.

Random grammar stuff:


Your first two sentences are confusing. I think it's just the wording, though:

Those who've been to a memory clinic would know that it's impossible to quieten down your mind whilst they prepared the drugs.

Those who've been to a memory clinic would also know that any advice given for quieting down quieting your mind was equally as useless.


I think this reads a lot better. Feel free of course to revise it as you wish. They're a good opening really ruined by confusing verb use.


Also, there are a couple times you ask a question in the text but don't use a question mark, and I think they'd sound better with one. Here they are:
Who needed advice when they've got drugs in the air to tranquilize you.

Out of all the technology they've developed in this god-forsaken city, why do they have to come up with a way to grow cat ears.


You've got a few other grammar errors, but I'm running out of time and they'll be fixed with a quick proofread.

Anyway, I'm enjoying this so far. Keep me posted!




Apricity says...


Sorry for this massively late reply, thank you for following this story and I'm very glad you like Kannan. I agree with all the points you've mentioned where and will definitely take them into consideration for future chapters.

<3



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Sun Mar 01, 2015 12:05 am
Mea says...



Sorry for this random comment, I pressed the wrong button. Review forthcoming.




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ArcticMonkey wrote a review...



Hiya, Flite!

I preferred this to the previous part, probably because there was a lot more action and I'm an adrenaline-junkie, but I just think the pace was much better. Obviously, different things were going on, so your previous part I still think is really good, but this was more exciting. I have so many questions now about this world, and the cat ears (yay sci-fi!... kinda). I thought the intro was good and I liked the rhetorical questions part, because the fact that your MC was asking all of these questions kind of showed more about their character and why they're so angry.

Either way, as I sat on the plastic chairs and watched the skyscrapers outside swirl with fluorescent lights, their reflective mirrors detailing the misery of all that walked below.

Here you either need to get rid of the 'as' or change 'detailing' to detailed.

The good thing about back alley clinics is that, no one don't quite care about correct procedures .

The comma isn't really needed here. Also, did you mean to put in the 'don't' as part of how the character speaks? Because the sentence doesn't make sense.

One thing that kind of bothered me when reading this is how it all links to the previous part. I have no doubt you're planning on explaining this, but right now the story as a whole feels a bit all over the place. You've decided to do multiple narratives, right? So I just think that characters need a better introduction, because I was a bit unsure about the jump from the last part, and what was actually going on.

A few questions; if Mohawk guy was new then why does he know that the MC is Jimmy's brother? I don't know who Jimmy is or what's really going on at this point, but I just thought that that was a point to make. Also, why does the MC get so angry that Mohawk guy just nods, I'd like to see more on this person's character, but I guess it's because of what happened to Jimmy. And then he disappears into thin air, is that literal? I hope this world gets explained a bit more as you continue to write about it!

Overall, this was really good! I feel like I never have that much useful to say in these reviews, but I think your writing style is excellent. In the description you say 'the plot thickens' however I can't quite seem to link the two parts together, so maybe add a bit more explanation. I hope this review helps, feel free to ask me any questions or if you'd like another review on anything!

Keep writing,
~ArcticMonkey x




Apricity says...


I know everything seems pretty disjointed at the moment, but they will come together in the future. XD, so good stuff ahead. Thank you so much for coming back to review this, and every review is helpful in their own way. Yours included.

Thanks Tammie~

<3




Patience is the strength of the weak, impatience is the weakness of the strong.
— Immanuel Kant, Philosopher