Hey FireSpyGirl! I noticed your piece has been sitting in the back of the Green Room for a while? I'm here to rescue it for you
I haven't read any of the previous instalments of this, so I apologise if this interferes with any of the comments that I make during this review.
“What do you want for lunch?” He asked. Natalia shrugged. “Pizza would be fine by me.”
When two separate characters are talking, put the dialogue on different lines. Since you didn't put a dialogue tag at the end (he/she/they said) of the second line of dialogue, the first reaction is to think it's David talking (because he was the last one, on that line, to speak), but I'm pretty sure it's Natalia responding to him. Just remember! You know who's supposed to be talking- your readers don't have the same, "inside" information that you do (because you're the one creating it).
she took another drink of water and stared out the window,
She,,, never took a drink of water before this? She only picked up her glass?
I think I would have liked to see them discussing the note more? I can't imagine their pizza would have been cooked so quickly, so wouldn't they have time to talk about their options before diving straight into it? Natalia doesn't let David get a word in about it right now, and he seems to want to object (given the way he gives her a look)?
This is kind of a situation-based question, but if the waitress is so scared, why does she hand the note to Natalia and David (besides for plot-based reasons)? That's not so much of a "you should change that", I'm genuinely curious about her character motivation? I don't think she shouldn't be afraid of a drug lord because those guys tend to be pretty nasty, but I have to wonder why a waitress in a pizza joint knows about him and is willing to talk to two strangers who just happened to mention him.
(And I don't know how much she heard of their conversation, but shouldn't the two be more concerned that Samantha knows their working under cover jobs? If she has any association with Carlo, she could easily out their aliases?)
Stylistically, your writing is pretty clear and easy to read! I would have liked more description on their surroundings and what was around them (what can they see? what colours stand out? shapes? what about smell? or hearing? or taste? or feeling? it adds more life and it's easily for a reader to really immerse themselves in the setting if you add in the little things like this), and more characterisation (what were the characters feeling? as of right now, I have no clear idea whose point of view the work is supposed to be in? I think it's Natalia- or you could be going with omnipresent but? I would have added in David's feelings/reactions then too. Either way, I would have liked more depth to the characters and what they're feeling/going through during the chapter).
That's all I have for today! If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to let me know! Otherwise, keep up the good work
I hope you're having a terrific time!
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