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Young Writers Society



A young spy and a young cop-chapter 6

by FireSpyGirl


Last Paragraph of chapter 6: "Good." Nicholas said. "You and David are going to be working together on this next mission. You are to go undercover as a secretary to a drug lord, who also happens to be a Cobra agent."

Natalia didn't say anything, just nodded. Finally, something good"

Two days later, Natalia and David stood in front of a big, two story brick house. This was the house of Robin Carlo, the drug lord. The past few days had been busy. Natalia and David and Nicholas had been busy establishing a background for themselves, going through and memorizing what files they had on Carlo. This was the first chance they had for some free time, and they took the chance and studied Carlo’s house. Tomorrow night there was to be a party, and that is where Natalia would introduce herself as “Madeline Brant” and David would be “Charles Brant,” her underwater archaeologist brother, spending his vacation with his sister.

“He’s definitely got money.” Natalia remarked, examining the house. David nodded in agreement as they got back in the car.

“What do you want for lunch?” He asked. Natalia shrugged. “Pizza would be fine by me.”

David started the car and a couple minutes later, they pulled up in front of a pizza joint. After being shown to a booth and placing their orders, they started discussing the case in quiet voices.

“Something feels off to me.” Natalia remarked. “Since when were drug lords our thing? We used to be taking down serial killers that no one else could. I don’t like the direction Nicholas is going.”

David shrugged. “You have a point, but Carlo is also suspected of working for some foreign agency.” Natalia growled."Working for him is going to be a hell of a good time."

She broke off as the waitress brought their drinks. She set the glasses down, looked around, then said "I heard you say you were working for Robin Carlo. You are going to need be careful."

Before either David or Natalia could say anything, she bustled off. Natalia frowned, wondering what the hell just happened. She and David looked at each other. His brow was furrowed. 

“Trick, trap, or sincere?” He asked, voice low. Natalia shook her head. "I don't know, it's weird. There is a very small chance she could be a spy, but she sure isn't acting like it. She's acting scared."

David nodded in agreement. "We'll just have to talk to her, then." He said, looking up as their pizza arrived. The waitresse's name tag said "Samantha."

“Meet us in the back in an hour.” David told her quietly. Samantha nodded and scurried away. Something had her scared.


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351 Reviews


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Sat Feb 23, 2019 2:25 pm
mellifera wrote a review...



Hey FireSpyGirl! I noticed your piece has been sitting in the back of the Green Room for a while? I'm here to rescue it for you :)


I haven't read any of the previous instalments of this, so I apologise if this interferes with any of the comments that I make during this review.


“What do you want for lunch?” He asked. Natalia shrugged. “Pizza would be fine by me.”


When two separate characters are talking, put the dialogue on different lines. Since you didn't put a dialogue tag at the end (he/she/they said) of the second line of dialogue, the first reaction is to think it's David talking (because he was the last one, on that line, to speak), but I'm pretty sure it's Natalia responding to him. Just remember! You know who's supposed to be talking- your readers don't have the same, "inside" information that you do (because you're the one creating it).

she took another drink of water and stared out the window,


She,,, never took a drink of water before this? She only picked up her glass?


I think I would have liked to see them discussing the note more? I can't imagine their pizza would have been cooked so quickly, so wouldn't they have time to talk about their options before diving straight into it? Natalia doesn't let David get a word in about it right now, and he seems to want to object (given the way he gives her a look)?


This is kind of a situation-based question, but if the waitress is so scared, why does she hand the note to Natalia and David (besides for plot-based reasons)? That's not so much of a "you should change that", I'm genuinely curious about her character motivation? I don't think she shouldn't be afraid of a drug lord because those guys tend to be pretty nasty, but I have to wonder why a waitress in a pizza joint knows about him and is willing to talk to two strangers who just happened to mention him.
(And I don't know how much she heard of their conversation, but shouldn't the two be more concerned that Samantha knows their working under cover jobs? If she has any association with Carlo, she could easily out their aliases?)


Stylistically, your writing is pretty clear and easy to read! I would have liked more description on their surroundings and what was around them (what can they see? what colours stand out? shapes? what about smell? or hearing? or taste? or feeling? it adds more life and it's easily for a reader to really immerse themselves in the setting if you add in the little things like this), and more characterisation (what were the characters feeling? as of right now, I have no clear idea whose point of view the work is supposed to be in? I think it's Natalia- or you could be going with omnipresent but? I would have added in David's feelings/reactions then too. Either way, I would have liked more depth to the characters and what they're feeling/going through during the chapter).


That's all I have for today! If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to let me know! Otherwise, keep up the good work :)

I hope you're having a terrific time!




FireSpyGirl says...


Thank you for the review! I am trying to tell it from Natalia's point of view, but also incorporate David as an important character as well. As for not discussing their options, Natalia's frustrated and in a mood, so she doesn't really want to listen to David, but you do have some excellent points. Do you have any other ideas on what I could do? I'm starting to get stuck and would love/welcome any suggestions!



mellifera says...


hey! sorry it took so long for me to reply to this, I've been gone all weekend.

when you're writing emotions, the best way to convey what a character is feeling (without blatantly telling! this is absolutely one of those things that so heavily falls into showing and not telling) is using body language! if a character is mad, some common tells would be flaring nostrils, clenching fists, tightening jaw, frowning/scowling, etc. if a character is excited, maybe they'll be really bouncy, shifting around, eyes widened, smiling. you can also use internal tells! when a character is nervous, their stomach might clench or swoop (or "drop"), maybe their chest gets tight (mine feels like something heavy is pressing on it when I'm worked up or upset about something). if they're trying to hide joy, maybe they'll feel like their veins are buzzing, or something feels warm in their chest.

honestly there's so much you can do with body language alone, and then you don't wander into too much telling when it comes to a character's emotions. it's also more immersive for the reader, to know what sensations the character is going through, rather than getting an overview of just the specific emotion (because everyone reacts differently).

haha I hope that wasn't too rambly and was sorta helpful? let me know if there's anything else I can help with! :)



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Mon Dec 10, 2018 6:17 pm
potatoefry2001 wrote a review...



Okay so, I am OFFICIALLY hooked to this story. Don't change the name. I think it's perfect for the story and the character of your story. I would only change one thing... Not to be harsh or anything, just trying to spice up your piece a bit... I think it would be really cool if you added metaphors or similes as a way to describe things. Personification would be really cool too. And I did not just read your piece for the points. I saw your name, and wanted to read it. This is amazing!! Nice work. Anyways, that's all I have to say for now!! Happy writings!!
'Tato out. :D




FireSpyGirl says...


Thank you! Feel free to read the rest of what I have if you are interested! XD




The capacity of human beings to bore one another seems to be vastly greater than that of any other animal.
— H. L. Mencken