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Young Writers Society



Ascension: Thørn 2 (The Myriad book 1)

by Feltrix


I sat on the edge of a rooftop, my legs swinging back and forth, the entire city stretching out before me. Chilly wind bit into my skin, but I didn’t mind. In my opinion, rooftops were the best place to be on Archora. Of course, there was the constant danger of falling, but that had never stopped me. I stared out at the jagged horizon, all the wildly creative buildings making it look like broken glass. The laboratory-castle, Needlespur, jutted far above the rest of the buildings; it shaped like a jagged bolt of lightning shooting from the ground.

If I tilted my head further back I could see the darkening sky begin to fill with stars like a giant dome studded with diamonds. Small, flying trade ships, no larger than dinghies, skirted across the sky glowing faintly azure with the æther they used for fuel.

But the best thing about the roofs wasn’t the view and it definitely wasn’t the cold. It was the silence. I could see people moving around below me and I could still hear the faint, indistinct sound of people’s voices, but, most importantly, I couldn’t hear the raucous, overwhelming sound of their minds. It wasn’t that I wasn’t used to the sound of people’s thoughts, in fact ‘sound’ was the wrong word, but it was a calming experience nonetheless. The thoughts of other people often manifested themselves as words or images, depending on the person and the thought or memory.

For as long as I could remember, people’s thoughts came to me. They weren’t like sound, it was like they were my thoughts, but I could tell they weren’t. They functioned like sound, though. They were best heard up close, and farther away, they became more indistinct. They were almost impossible to ignore. Even from the roofs, if I stretched my mind, I could still experience what people were thinking, but I rarely did that. It wasn’t that I wasn’t curious, in fact, quite the opposite. I wanted to know just about everything, but after thirteen years of eavesdropping on people’s minds, I learned that, in general, it was boring. People were always thinking about the outrageous prices of that pocket watch or the cute boy across the street or how many minutes until school was out. These things just didn’t matter to me. Of course, that wasn’t always true.

I had once learned of a new prototype of Clockwork three months before the it was released to the public. I always aced my quizzes, not just because I knew the answers but because I could peer into my teacher’s mind.

It took years of experimenting with my magic to make any real progress, not made easier by the fact that I kept it secret.

I heard a loud and familiar voice ranting from the room below me. He was another reason being on the roof was better than being under it.

“It’s not bloody fair!” my father roared. “Mages are given money and power, and all because they were born different!”

My father’s prejudice towards mages was the root of my problem. It wasn’t unfounded. Mages were given higher status than non-mages and so it was almost impossible for anyone else to gain power. If I revealed to anyone that I had magic, I’d be speedily removed from my home and everything I knew.

So I kept my head down. I tried to avoid talking about things that I shouldn’t know and became good at lying. Still, I always had a mad desire to know more about magic, about the mysterious æther, about….everything.

“Why should we common folk be treated any different from them?” my father snarled.

A tiny part of me agreed with him. The rest of me came up with the logical answer. Mages had power no one else did and were rare enough that we were invaluable resources. I sighed and slid off the roof onto a lower platform, opened the door and stepped into my house. I walked by my mother, a short, plump woman with greying hair, who stood next to my father. He was taller, heavy set, and red faced, with a bushy beard. My mother looked melancholy, her response to her husband’s rage.

I darted to my room without exchanging a word with either of them, but they both watched me go. It was going to be hard to fall asleep if my father was so loud.

A half an hour later, the ranting had stopped, but the voices had moved closer to the door to my room.

“Are you sure we made the right choice?” my mother asked.

My father heaved a shaky sigh. “Of course we did,” he said. “This is what’s best for him. I still can’t believe…”

“I know,” said my mother. “I just hope everything will be alright.”

I attempted to stretch my mind enough to reach them, but they were moving away and I couldn’t find anything except vague emotions of confusion and sadness.

I yawned as I walked through the school door.

“Thørn Feltrix,” I muttered to the Clockwork Secretary.

It was brass and humanoid enough to operate standard machinery. Still, it obviously wasn’t one. Instead of facial features, it had a blank metal plate and it’s fingers were more clawlike than any humanoid’s. Past it’s metallic rib cage, I could see gears whirring and deep within, azure æther glowed like a tiny flame.

It clicked my name into the typewriter, adding it to the ‘present’ side of the attendance list. I moved along to my first class.

The day passed. I moved through my classes, nothing remotely remarkable happening during any of them. Until history.

During history, we had been learning the impact of the invention of the Clockwork. “Needlespur was first developed as a place to harvest æther,” the teacher said. “But it soon gained influence in Archora’s government…”

As usual, the mental activity had dribbled to a bare minimum. A dwarf in the back had fallen out of his chair and was sleeping on the floor. A goblin two rows in front of me was attempting to carve his name (spelled incorrectly) into his desk with a pencil. I had been watching him for twenty minutes, during which time he’d gone through four pencils, and he still hadn’t realized that the graphite wasn’t strong enough to make a scratch.

The teacher droned on in her usual monotone voice about the revolutionary æther powered engine. She looked almost as bored as everyone else in the room.

And then I glanced at the door and the teacher’s voice lowered to cicada drone. The Clockwork Secretary was standing in the doorway. Looking at me. But that didn’t happen. The Clockwork didn’t look. They didn’t see, they didn’t acknowledge any biological organisms above others unless programmed to. They registered their surroundings which relayed back to their processing, giving them an accurate image of their surroundings. So that wasn’t possible. Why was the Clockwork so fascinated by me? It hadn’t until today. Why would it show a response to me now.

And then the Clockwork held out it’s arm and beckoned before turning away from the door. It wanted me to follow.


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Sun Apr 30, 2017 1:17 pm
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Lauren2010 wrote a review...



Hi again, Feltrix!

Whoooa this just got all magic-steampunk and I am very into it. This totally upended my expectations from the first chapter (which I was reading as a traditional high fantasy) and I like it. That world from chapter one still fits into my understanding of this world, this chapter simply broadened by view. Great work!

I was going to say that I think this chapter should be chapter one, but now that I've finished I don't really think so. I think that chapter one just needs some beefing up to be more like this one. Since this is a rotating perspective novel, each character (especially in their introduction) has to have a really clear problem or desire or goal (however you like to classify this bit of characterization) that they're aiming to fix or achieve. Thorn's problem is that they're a mage in a mage-prejudiced family, and don't want to be taken away. They've also caught the attention of the Clockwork, which is something that doesn't usually happen, which makes me super interested in returning to Thorn's story in later chapters.

If I had to point something out as "missing" from this chapter, I think I'd like to know more about what Thorn intends to do about their magical abilities. Clearly they don't want to tell their parents or be sent away, but they practice their magical abilities and are interested in them. Is Thorn just going to live in secrecy forever? Or do they have any hopes to learn more about themselves some day? Will they try to sway their father's beliefs? Will they run away? Or are they feeling a lot of conflict because they love their family and/or are an important part of the family making ends meet? You already have the groundwork for a really excellent internal conflict here, I'd love to see more of it.

Otherwise, I'm still just enjoying getting to know more about this world! Can't wait to keep reading.

Keep writing!

--Lauren




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Sun Apr 30, 2017 2:57 am
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Atticus wrote a review...



Hey there Feltrix,

Last review for tonight, but count on some more coming tomorros! Let's rack up those points, and I only need 9 more reviews for my third star :) So without further ado:

Overall, I liked how you described Thørn. He was convincing and his emotions were understandable and relatable but also given with care, not just spilled out. His father's character was touched on as well, which I expect will be expanded on in future chapters. The scene was also set nicely, which sets you up to begin to focus on the plot in future chapters. But there is still room for improvement, and that's what I want to focus on in this next section.

Firstly, I would suggest a bit more of showing rather than telling. In the very beginning, you do a lot of telling without backing it up with action. For example, instead of telling us Thørn could read minds, give us a scene where he actually reads someone's thought. This is a constant thing in the beginning and should be addressed in some way.

Secondly, watch out for double negatives. There were a couple of sentences where you said something along the lines of, "She wouldn't tell me something she wouldn't do." It's both grammatically incorrect and just awkward wording. I would suggest reading these sentences out loud and then seeing how you can rephrase it to make it flow better.

Thirdly, your sense of time was off. You describe it in the beginning as though it were the night (through explaining that Thørn was going to bed soon, the darkening sky, how tired he was, etc.) but then described Thørn going to school and sitting through the school day without any time set aside for Thørn to fall asleep, wake up, and get ready for the day.

Fourthly, I would insert a little bit of explanation about the Clockworks. The reader doesn't know enough about them to be intimidated or frightened by them, or to feel suspicious and immediately associate any function with them. To avoid contesting the plot, it doesn't have to be long, but even just a paragraph would go a long way.

Overall, I reviewed this in two separate scenes (the first being the scene on the roof and the second the school scene). There were some grammar-related issues in the first section and then a slightly bland second section, to be very blunt. The transition between those two major plot points could be improved, but you did a great job. Sorry for any harshness, and I'll be sure to stop by for more reviews later. You're a great writer (better than me!) and keep writing!

Best wishes,
MJ




Feltrix says...


Would you mind pointing out the specific instances of double negatives? I couldn't find any.



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Sat Apr 29, 2017 11:24 am
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Rydia wrote a review...



Hello again! The internet appears to be holding for now, though I switch to my next train in 20 minutes so let's get straight to it...

Specifics

1.

Chilly wind bit into my skin, but I didn’t mind. In my opinion, rooftops were the best place to be on in all of Archora. Of course, there was the constant danger of falling, but that had never stopped me.


2.
The laboratory-castle, Needlespur, jutted far above the rest of the buildings, pulling æther straight from the air with it’s massive astrolabe-like machine speared on the tip.
I'm sure this would make for a lovely sentence later in the novel but at this point it introduces too many new things so it's very hard to follow. We're not used to laboratory castle or buildings called Needlespur or aether or astrolabe machines! Try not to introduce more than 1, maybe 2 at a push, new things in any one sentence. I'd say no more than 2/3 in even a whole paragraph as your reader needs time to take in new ideas and too many will have them distracted/ disengaged from the story.

3.
If I tilted my head back farther I could see the darkening sky begin to fill with stars like a giant dome studded with diamonds.
This would flow better as 'If I tilted my head further back...'

4.
For as long as I could remember, people’s thoughts came to me. They weren’t like sound, it was like they were my thoughts, but I could tell they weren’t.
Maybe here is a good chance for a metaphor or simile. For example: '...it was like they were my thoughts but in a different colour'.

5.
I had once learned of a new prototype of Clockwork three months before the rest of the rest of the public. I always aced my quizzes, not just because I knew the answers but because I could peer into my teacher’s mind.
I'm not sure that the teacher's mind is the right choice here - I think it needs to be her classmate's minds because the teacher would not be thinking about the answers to the quiz questions. They often wouldn't even read the quiz until they have to mark it. They'd be thinking about what to have for dinner or when they can go home :)

6.
A tiny part of me agreed with me him. The rest of me came up with the logical answer. Mages had power no one else did and were rare enough that we made were an invaluable resource. I sighed and slid off the roof onto a lower platform, opened the door, ad stepped into my house. I walked by my mother, a short, plump woman with greying hair, who stood next to my father. He was taller, heavy set, and red faced, with a bushy beard. My mother’s looked melancholy, her response to her husband’s rage.


7.
It was brass and humanoid enough to operate standard machinery. Still, it obviously wasn’t one. Instead of facial features, it had a blank metal plate and it’s fingers were more clawlike than any humanoid’s. Past it’s metallic rib cage, I could see gears whirring and deep within, azure æther glowed like a tiny flame within.
<< Try not to use the same word in the same sentence, especially something less common like within.

8.
It typed my name into the typewriter, adding it me to the ‘present’ side of the attendance list. I moved along to my first class.


9.
And then the Clockwork held out it’s its arm and beckoned before turning away from the door. It wanted me to follow.


Overall

This was a strong chapter. I think Thorn is a little quick to realise the clockwork is looking at her at the end - does the teacher think so too? Is that what makes her realise? But other than that, it had a reasonable balance of action and character and it flowed well. It maybe needed to be a bit longer as I see you're switching character again next chapter and this isn't long enough to really make us like Thorn/ to feel excited to return to her and you need that if you're going to switch characters a lot.

All the best,
Heather




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Sun Feb 26, 2017 4:59 am
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PrincessInk wrote a review...



OK, I've come round to give you a review!

Well, I definitely liked Thorn, but I would like to know whether Thorn is male or female. Maybe the name sounds male, but I just want to know.

The world-building seems kind of disjointed here. First, Corso's life, Thorn's life, Nyx's life. It's okay to introduce 3 characters in totally different situations, but I would like to see more of an overall scene of the world. I think you should find a way to connect the three different places--after all, they're in the same world.

I liked Thorn's voice, but I thought it sounded a bit like Corso's.

I walked by my mother, a short, plump woman with greying hair. She looked sad that my father was so angry. He was taller, heavy set, and red faced, with a bushy beard.


I felt as though these three sentences weren't connected so well together.

I also would have liked to have a little bit more description about Thorn's school, but the description of the teacher's voice as "cicada drone" was very unique and it made me smile.
The chapter ended on an intriguing cliffhanger and I'm eager to know what happened to the Clockwork and Thorn--though you could include some foreshadowing in the beginning of the chapter.

Overall, the character development was done pretty well (maybe Thorn's voice could be slightly altered), but I felt as though the chapters were like different stories.

I hope my review wasn't too harsh and have a great day!

Princess Ink




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Tue Feb 21, 2017 12:52 am
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jimss23 wrote a review...



Jimss here

Hey Feltrix, me again.

Ready for another bad review? (I know I am)

I think I already put my customary disclaimer on one of your works, so I'll skip over that.

Oh and to answer the question in your comment, here are some terms I thought of:

Logic center
Processing unit
Aether Core
Control Unit

Just some suggestions.

Let's dig in.

1) "constant danger of falling, but that had never happened to me"
I mean yea, he's not dead. We want to avoid telling the audience stuff they know. Try something along the lines of
"constant danger of falling, but that had never stopped me."
(this is, like everything I do, my personal opinion. Please feel free to ignore me at your own discretion.)

2) "sky begin to fill with stars like a giant dome studded with diamonds"
Ok.... so... I think that you can probably cut out some of the unnecessary flowery imagery when the scene doesn't call for it. If your story reads like a poem, you need to consider slimming it down.

3) "Small trade ships"
Make sure you mention that these ships are actually flying. I recommend "Small flying trade ships"
Just a small thing.

4) Just a question. Did you describe what æther actually is in an earlier chapter? If not, please do. (And if you did, ignore this.)

5) "sound of people’s thoughts, in fact ‘sound’ was the wrong word, but it was a calming experience nonetheless"
You need to say what it feels like if 'sound' is the wrong word. Otherwise, the audience has no clue how he experiences things.

6) "I had once learned of a new prototype of Clockwork that could make other Clockwork three months before the rest of the general public."
This sentence makes no sense. To me.

7) "He was another reason"
Pronoun before introducing the character. Confuses things.

8 )"Mages are given money and power all because they were born different!”
I feel like there should be a comma between power and all. Just me

9)"That was the route of the problem"
Need to specify that the problem is before you use it casually. Say "my problem" not just a random, ambiguous problem.

10) "more about magic, about mine specifically, about….everything."
Makes little sense to me. Phrasing.

11) "The rest came up with the logical answer"
Specify ownership. "The rest of me"

12) "It typed my name into the typewriter, adding it to the ‘present’ side of the attendance list. I moved along to my first class."
WOAH THERE. You go from home to school instantly, no explanation. Make sure there is a transfer.

That's it. Sorry if my review is direct and to the point. I have an exam tomorrow and thought I'd pop in, do a quick and barebones review. Sorry for how sloppy this one is.

Cheers

A stressed out Jackass

Jimss




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Mon Feb 20, 2017 11:52 pm
Feltrix says...



for lack of a better word, brain,

No, seriously, if anyone has a better word, I want to know.

And if anyone's wondering, I didn't name Thørn Feltrix after myself. I named myself after Thørn who I named after a D&D character.





You walk into this room at your own risk, because it leads to the future, not a future that will be but one that might be. This is not a new world, it is simply an extension of what began in the old one. It has patterned itself after every dictator who has ever planted the ripping imprint of a boot on the pages of history since the beginning of time. It has refinements, technological advances, and a more sophisticated approach to the destruction of human freedom. But like every one of the super states that preceded it, it has one iron rule: logic is an enemy and truth is a menace.
— Rod Serling