Years in the past, an ancient man known as the Tsuki which means the moon in Japanese, summons the dark force. "Why did you call upon me mortal?" said the darkness.
"I need to use your power t-to... it's important okay," said the Tsuki.
"As most mortals do. what do you mortals need now,"
"The world will fall apart, saved by one full of heart, he will leave as a child, and journey into the wild, he will be our hope, and stop the world from the endless mope."
"That is... THE DUMBEST THING I EVER HEARD!!"
"Just give me the power please."
"If you give me a physical form I will."
"Fine, you can live in my body if you give me your power."
" Hmm, okay then"
This was the known as the surge the creation of the moon god.
Author's Note
I'm new don't judge.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,798 Reviews
Alrighty, this seems interesting. I think that it's good, however, there were a few grammar errors. You forgot to uppercase "as most mortals do." And "what do you mortals want anyway?" I also wish there was more emotion and description. It felt a tiny bit bare. A little more description would be great, instead of just "Darkness" You could add more description on what this darkness is, and how Tsuki reacts to it.
Other than that, it was really good. I hope to see more from you. (Sorry if I was a little judgey, this is my own opinion)
Keep on writing, and don't let anyone talk you down!
Hi, Manilla here for a review. Let's get right into it, shall we? I'll start with the nitpicks (grammar, spelling, small details, etc) of the piece before my overall comments.
This seems like a pretty classic beginning, but it isn't very attention-grabbing, compelling the reader to gain interest in the piece. This could mostly be part of my writing style, but the reader's attention is so important, because they will follow along with all the little details you put in the story. Also, there were some errors in conventions that I fixed above, along with dialogue punctuation throughout the piece.
Another small fix - In dialogue, when you use ellipses ("..."), there's no need for a space after it before transitioning to the next thought.
So that's my nitpicks. The rest of the story you lost me, because I don't know who is saying what other than it's the Tsuki and the darkness. There's no setting for this all to take place, and the dialogue doesn't match with each other in theme all the time.
And you're new, so I don't have much right to judge. :')
Otherwise, I'm curious to see where you take this. Japanese mythology is cool, and incorporating that into your piece would be beneficial.
-Manilla out
(Feel free to disregard any comment you deem unhelpful, and I apologize for being rude wherever it's needed.)
I LOVE IT! it is one of the best works I've seen!
Didnt you write it lmao