I thought I razed my past,
but the ghost towns linger still,
drifting and stirring up
the embers-
see how the only colour
in this dull ashen world
is the remnants of fire?
and I guess that's better
than doing it myself,
I only had to dispose
of the remains.
The blades that ripped
my life to shreds
punch through to my dreams
where I'm running,
running.
And it's only from fear now,
the monsters of imagination,
mere shadows
of the real danger
that once was
my existence.
Though the days are empty
hollow shells of wind,
in my dreams
all the colours of wrath
imprint themselves on my soul.
And whether I regret it
or not
I'm always sleeping
and awakening
rainbow and monochrome
until the lines are blurred
and there is no living
or death
-
but the ashes remain
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,798 Reviews
Hi there, Falconer! Niteowl here to review this lovely poem for the Inkmasters this fine Review Day!
Now, first things first, I feel like this piece is supposed to have stanzas, but the text editor probably ate them. It does that, but there are workarounds. There are several methods listed here: How to Format Poetry.
The first four lines are strong, which makes this portion feel pretty weak. I think "dull ashen world" drags this down the most due to the double adjectives. I think it could flow better as something like "the embers, the remnants of fire, the last color in this world."
I'm not sure what "they" is...I feel like this portion is in the wrong place. Perhaps it would make more sense after you refer to either blades or monsters.
A lot of your lines are very short. This may be intentional, but I think it's a bit too much. I find myself getting taken out of the imagery when the lines are three words long. I'll admit that line breaks are tricky, so think about what you want to emphasize and build your line breaks around that.
This bit doesn't make much sense to me. It reads like the speaker is "awakening" the colors, but I don't think that's how I'm supposed to read this. I think it's supposed to be about the difference being being asleep and being awake, but I'm not sure. Maybe something like "I see rainbows in sleep and monochrome when I wake" is more what you meant?
Overall, I think there's some stunning imagery here. Keep writing!
This is a very beautiful piece, that I found relayed a sense of anger, sadness but also a sense of calm as if the narrator's mind has left the destruction but their body still holds the scars. Were you going for a post-modernism genre here? It does have quite a few elements of post-modernism I felt.
The line "They tore me apart, and I guess that's better than doing it myself, I only had to dispose
of the remains", I thought this line was the best line in the whole work. It was the line that further capture my interest.... your title had already done that to begin with.
Once again, I really liked this piece and I hope you continue to write
touching