When her Grandfather was in a care home, Pain came to him on a white horse, gave him his dose and went to ride away.
Whilst he was leaving, he felt a tug on his cloak. A young girl, barely a teenager, though small for her age, had clung onto him. He turned his head and she looked at him with big aqua eyes and said
“Can you show me what you do?” he said nothing, and she said “Take me with you.”
Those that see Pain are curious, and often ask questions. He rarely answers, but they never ask to be taken with him. He wasn’t sure what to think.
He looked at the girl’s Grandad, wincing and squirming whilst his liver felt the runt of his disease that Pain had to accompany. He look at her parents, and her brothers, and then at her. She hadn’t looked away once. He could see she was different.
He turned his horse around and held out a long, thin hand. She smiled, and took it. He lifted her up onto the horse, gave her a cloak, and she went with him. Her parents were none the wiser. One of her brothers felt a slight breeze in the air.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,027 Literary Works • 672,773 Reviews
God, I love the personification of things like pain into ethereal entities! Honestly, if you're going to continue this series with other "friends" of fate, then I'd absolute love to read them. If it's not too much to ask, could you tag me or pm me if you go through with that? I'd really appreciate it!
On to the review:
The first I might recommend you do is really explain the entity of Pain to the reader. What are the rules that govern his existence? Why can some people see him, but some can't? What is his job, exactly? (For example, is he his own boss? Does someone else tell him what to do, or how much pain to distribute? Stuff like that.) You could call it world-building, I suppose, but it's more defining an existence. I imagine a lot of this stuff has been developed in your head, but you haven't explained it to the reader yet -- that's a very common mistake to make in this type of fiction! Try to give the reader enough for their imagination to work with. Mystery and intrigue are good, but not if there aren't any clues!
Additionally, I suggest that you make sure the story has a point. What happens to the girl, exactly? The reader has no clue! "One of her brothers felt a slight breeze in the air" is a good teaser, but it doesn't give us a solid hint. I imagine that, once again, you have a very cool idea of what has happened to her, but haven't told us enough. It just makes the reader feel a little left out
It's also possible that you were planning to bring these out later in the series, which is a fine idea, but don't keep us waiting too long! A few hints could still help
Still, I really did love the premise of the story, and I really hope you post more!
Hello, Faery!
I'm going to point out some little things I noticed, and then talk about the piece as a whole.
This is a super short work, but it still has a lot of depth to it, which I love.
I don't think parental/grandparental names are capitalized unless it's "Grandfather" rather than "her grandfather"--it's not a title when you put her in front of it, merely a relationship. It's super tiny, but I just thought I'd mention it. The same goes for "Grandad" further below.
I think "whilst" is okay here? Although it gives a little bit of an old-fashioned feel, "while" might be a bit more natural.
This doesn't quite make sense. Unless I'm unaware of another usage, I thought runt was like something small? Brunt might make sense, because it's like the bulk of the disease, but you may want to consider rephrasing this bit for clarity because I'm not quite sure what you're getting at.
Okay, sorry for the tiny stuff. Overall, I think this is a super cool concept, and I'm intrigued by the personification of Pain (most typically, death is personified, so this is a neat new twist). This seems to be part one of a story, but you also titled it "fate and all his friends", so does this mean we won't see any more of Pain in future installments?
A few questions I had, but that don't necessarily need to be answered here, were: How much is Pain real/physical? Is he always seen and heard by others, or is he more of an idea that people can happen to see if they're in the right frame of mind? If the girl is coming with him, and is given a cloak as well, does that mean that she now has the ability to give pain? And is there any way Pain knows who to "give their doses", as he does, or does he simply choose?? You've left quite a mystery with these few simple paragraphs. I think that the story has a lot of impact just because it's so short and mysterious, but a little more embroidery--description, sensory detail, thoughts--might be good as well.
I really wish I could see more of what Pain thought of the girl, and why the girl would choose to go with Pain--and again, why Pain would agree to take her. I hope you continue to write the other parts so that I can read more of this! I really enjoyed it.
Have a lovely day,
-Q
Hello there, Faery. This must be the shortest reviews I've written.
Such a short prose yet it captured me. This part was an wonderful introduction to however the story follows. I liked how human you made Pain, riding his horse. It does made me wonder why the girl alone could see Pain. First, I thought it was a metaphorical plead made by the girl. Sort of like a silent prayer unlike the rest of her family who are merely being spectators while the girl prayed for her grandfather's pain to be taken away, or let her be taken away as she can't watch her grandfather in pain, you know. But rereading it, Pain is definitely a man-figure, and the girl definitely did see Pain and asked to be taken away.
There's this one typo,
And I'm not sure why the dialogue is laid out separately. Is it to make a dramatic effect-- give more importance to what's being said? Or simply a layout issue that I'm reading too much into, even then it needs a comma
This was a good read. I'm very intrigued by the approach and I'd like to know more of this.
Keep writing! Cheers!