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Apocalyptic Springtime Rain

by EthanHoover


If the world should end this evening

Apocalyptic springtime rain

Broken, bloody, barely breathing,

Tomorrow to be born again


When at last my heart is dying,

And my shattered soul takes flight

The morning sun will still be shining

Its perfect, golden candlelight.


When the world is barely breathing

Shall I heed my final call?

Restless, sleeping, barely dreaming,

Teach me, Lord, just how to fall.


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Sun Apr 26, 2020 8:01 am
fortis wrote a review...



Hello Ethan,
I was drawn to this poem because of the title I really love the juxtaposition between the idea of an apocalypse and also springtime, which traditionally is a time of growth and renewal. Rain too can be both healing and destructive so I really am a big fan of the title.

I think you have a really good thing going in the poem itself, though I feel like your point is somewhat obscured by a bit of forced poeticness. This poem reads quite a bit as if you are trying really hard to write something that "sounds like a poem." That's something everyone has to go through as they learn about poetry, and I have two main tips to help you in your journey to create more natural-sounding verse.
1. Read lot of poetry from lot of different people, especially published poets! Find some favorite poems and study them. Why do you like them? What does the poet do? Try to immitate them in your own writing (Poets do this all the time to practice!)
2. Use more concrete images. This can be nouns, but can also be verbs and adjectives! I love the image you have of "golden candlelight." That's something I can really see well with my sense of sight!
Unfortunately there are no senses triggered for me during the lines "When at last my heart is dying, / And my shattered soul takes flight" or the whole final stanza. I find thatmy favorite poems and poets use thick, rich images and sensory detail. I've been reading quite a few poems recently (purely by chance) that have talked about food in detail and I always find myself drooling over their rich descriptions of scent and taste and texture. It's as if I'm almost eating it myself. You don't have to write about food, but being able to transport the reader like that is something I think every poet wants to do! Try playing with more concrete details in your poetry.

Anyway, this was a lovely poem, and I did like your rhyme and rhythm, even though I think they might've gotten in your way a little bit. Try not to let your rhymes and rhythm dictate the direction of you poem, but they are nice tools to have and practice. And you're doing a great job :)

Hope this helps!
~fortis




EthanHoover says...


Thanks, Fortis! I'll try to keep that in mind as I move forward as a poet, very good advice.



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Tue Mar 31, 2020 3:37 am
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dahlia58 wrote a review...



The last line is my favorite in this whole poem. The speaker seems to want to die quietly if the world does end soon. Either that, or they're convinced that the world itself won't change even if they die. The verses of this work are very powerful thanks to the words you used such as "bloody," "apocalyptic," "shattered" etc. Since this poem is rather short, there isn't much to criticize. I was impressed.^^




EthanHoover says...


Thank you so much!



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Tue Mar 31, 2020 3:07 am
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Tuckster wrote a review...



Hey there Ethan! Tuck dropping by with a quick review for you brought by the Pig Dragons. Let's get into it!

One part of this poem that stuck out to me was the way you used a rhyming scheme to add rhythm. It's pretty rare to see a poet pull off a rhyming scheme without it seeming like they went out of their way to use a rhyming scheme at the cost of their originality. It really added to the flow and gave the poem a feel of sophistication.

One area I think you could improve is narrowing your theme. You start off with this really gripping idea of apocalyptic springtime rain, and there's a lot of room to maneuver there. You can zero in on the idea of what rain feels like in the apocalypse, expand on this description, and continue to roll with that theme. However, in the next stanza it feels like you tackle a different topic altogether. You move from the image of rain and rebirth to warmth and light. The final stanza also contains a different themes. Not only is this disorienting to the reader, it makes it difficult to follow the narrative story of the poem. What's the story? What is the message being communicated? It's too broad of a story for a single takeaway, which complicates and layers the story in a confusing manner.

Otherwise, each stanza contains a significant amount of themes that could be further unpacked. You have a lot of strong imagery in here that intensifies the feeling and makes this an emotional poem without trying to be. It was an impressively written poem and I see a lot of potential in the thoughts you've organized here. Best of luck with this and future projects, and let me know if you have any questions about this review!

Best,
Tuckster




EthanHoover says...


Hey Tuckster, thanks for the review! The theme is meant to be a coming to terms with death, but I can see how it might be unclear. I'll think about all you said, and once again, thank you so much! This was very helpful.




If writers wrote as carelessly as some people talk, then adhasdh asdglaseuyt[bn[ pasdlgkhasdfasdf.
— Lemony Snicket