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Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

The Terrible Youth of Freznel :13

by Eros


       Chapter 13 : The lie...

It was midnight. The town was sleeping peacefully. Stew was keeping watch on Freznel's house. Frightenening silence was spread everywhere. Freznel saw blood oozing from the moon in the sky and it was raining. It was not the water wich was fallig down... but viscous, red blood. Freznel woke up breathing too fast.

Ah! It was a nightmare. She was too afraid in the middle of the night, and decided to call Marldon to stay with her that night. She was too scared firstly from the nightmare, and secondly from the scary silence in the atmosphere. 

After about half an hour, she heard her phone ringing...There shall be showers of blessings... this is the promise of love... The deadly silence broke with this ringtone of her phone.

Unknown phone number! Who would call me in the middle of this frightenening night! she thought. She picked up the phone with her shaking hands. With her trembling fingers, she touched the " accept" option the screen of her phone.

" H-h-hello?!... WHAT?!" she screamed. She continued talking on the phone... " W-where!? How! Oh, God!... O-okay... I am reaching there... " the phone fell on the bed from her strengthless hands. 

She quickly changed her dress. She drove her scooty towards The Dorsey Hospital.  It is all my fault... If I wouldn't have called Marldon, he would not have met with an accident, and he would not have to fight with death in this peaceful night. So, the nightmare was a warning from heaven... a warning of Marldon's accident. Oh lord!..she thought as she was driving.

Five men came riding on their bikes. They had covered their faces with black, netted cloth. They drove their bikes round and round, around Freznel's scooty. She was totally scared, her heart racing and adrenaline rushing through her nerves along with the blood. Her face was cold and pale white with the fright. 

"Who are you? Let me go. My Marldon is in the hospital..."

" Hey, sweetheart! Chill." said one of the bike riders.

Chill ran down her spinal chord.

" Marldon is not in any hospital. HAHAHA " said another bike rider, laughing wickedly.

" W-what do you mean? " said Freznel with a trembling voice.

A man came from behind one of the avenue trees on the roadside. He walked into the circle made by the five bike riders. He had also covered his face with black, muslin, netted cloth. He removed a cotton ball dipped in chloroform, and brought it near to Freznel's pretty face. Within no time she lost her balance and the man who made her faint, caught her and put her in a big, white Scorpio car. Freznel lied on the back seat of the car, still, motionless, with only her heart beating slowly.


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Sun May 29, 2016 7:56 pm
EternalRain wrote a review...



Heya Eros! Happy Review Day! :D

The plot definitely progressed in this chapter! Freznel must be so terrified.

This particular chapter, I have to say, was a /bit/ confusing. I understand it's supposed to be vague, and I think it's good if it's left a bit vague so the reader is not expecting something/things are left mysterious. It's more of what's going on. The actions of everything. I believe it could be written a bit more clear so us readers KNOW what's going on. It's kinda in grey area, though, because there's the vagueness and the clearness and you want a bit of both.


It was midnight. The town was sleeping peacefully. Stew was keeping watch on Freznel's house.


This read a little weak, in my opinion. I think it could become much stronger - how is Stew keeping watch on Freznel's house? Is he being as quiet as a mouse? etc, etc. The sentences here just read really boringly and I think there start could be much stronger. A hook is very important, and a reader wants to be able to finish the chapter in excitement! A strong first sentence/first part helps with that.

I really did enjoy this chapter despite the mild confusion. It was action packed, a lot went down, and Freznel's reactions seem totally realistic! I'm really nervous for her and Marldon. Gosh, everyone just wants Freznel for himself, haha.

Keep writing! <3

~ EternalRain




Eros says...


Thank you so much for the review EternalRain!! I am glad that you liked this chapter. Thanx again! :D



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Mon May 02, 2016 11:40 am
Elijah wrote a review...



King Here
I would say that the info you give us at the very beginning mostly ruins it for me because you tell me what is going to happen. You can give me hints but do not say straight 'In this part this will happen ...'.
I need to not know because it was not interesting to read it.
"Come on, kidnap her already."
This was my thought during the read. I was surprised that it was a lie that her lover was involved in a car accident. This was a really good part. Maybe my favourite. I hope nothing bad happens to her! I am sure that her lover will come to save her right away but do not rush with the action there. I hope you release the next part soon. Now, to the edits.


It was not the water wich was fallig down... but viscous, red blood. Freznel woke up breathing too fast.


Kinda the typos here. 'wich' needs to be 'which' and 'fallig' needs to be 'falling'. Also, one comma before 'breathing'.

She was too afraid in the middle of the night, and decided to call Marldon to stay with her that night.
She was too scared firstly from the nightmare, and secondly from the scary silence in the atmosphere.




You do not need a comma before 'and'.
For the second sentence, I do not think 'silence in the atmosphere' is well put there.
Maybe 'silence in the night'?
Unknown phone number! Who would call me in the middle of this frightenening night!
" H-h-hello!... WHAT!"


I think all exclamation marks needs to be question marks.
Or use them both if you want it to still look similar.


She thought as she was driving... It is all my fault... If I wouldn't have called Marldon, he would not have met with an accident, and he would not have to fight with death in this peaceful night.



'She thought as she was driving' this needs to be after the thoughts of hers. It looks better at least in my opinion. Commonly, we say what they are saying first, then we say when and how.

Five men came riding on a bike.


How big is that bike?



Hey sweetheart! Chill.


Comma before the 'sweetheart'.

He removed a cotton ball dipped in chloroform, and brought it near to Freznel's pretty face.

No need of a comma here.
You can put comma only if you connect two independent sentences.


Within no time she lost her balance and the man who fainted her,..



He did not faint her. She faints because of what he had done to her. So, '..she lost her balance and the man who made her faint...'.




This is all for this part. Good job and keep on writing.




Eros says...


Thank you very much! xD



Elijah says...


Welcome.




And don't forget it's hydrate or diedrate
— zaminami