My mom is up and running and I hear her turn the blender on as she makes herself a frappe. Moments later I feel her shaking my shoulder in an effort to wake me from my deep sleep. It doesn't take long for me to lazily roll over and open my eyes. She smiles, says 'Good-morning' and goes to wake my other five siblings. I get dressed and take our three dogs, two dogs and my puppy, outside to relieve themselves. While I care for their needs,Mom cares for mine. She has oatmeal, hot and delicious, waiting on the stove when I come back inside. While I begin serving dishes she washes up my two younger brothers and younger sister. When finished my sister and I serve our siblings and ourselves, we eat quickly in anticipation of school. There is no worrying about buses or being late for us. We're always on time no matter when we get up. Our teacher is always present and always there to help with those evil algebra problems. Our teacher is our mother. She teaches highschool down to kindergarten to eight children. Each day everyday my mom is up early and ready to go. Our homework is checked by her, tests given and assignments assigned by her. When she's not teaching she's my personal taxi, taking me to and from my volunteer work four days a week. Even on weekends she's up early for it's my job to feed ten horses every Saturday morning. When I'm not being carted around she's taking my brother, her former student, to his college classes and picking him up from his job. My mother is never still and yet finds time to knit the prettiest things for anyone in need. My Mom is super Mom.
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125,013 Literary Works • 672,844 Reviews
Hello. Sunset here to review this article of yours.
Well, I'd just like to be honest and say one thing. I think that this could be split up into multiple paragraphs, because it feels clumpy and disorganized the way it is now. I don't want to seem or sound harsh, but I think it'd look nicer if it was separated among different paragraphs. I feel like you rushed into this and didn't bother with the layout of this article. Layouts are very important, partially because people judge a work a lot on it. Just think about this in the future and possibly fix it?
Here would be nice if you could choose between "each day" or "everyday". I guess if you kept them both here, it'd work to add a comma and an "and" between the two. Preferably it'd be nice to just get rid of one of them, because it confuses me when you use both.
I know this is an article, and not a story or novel or anything, but could you tell us what the names are of the three dogs (and possibly your siblings)? You know, to get a feel of your family personally. If you can say which are puppies and which are dogs, you could also talk about their names in the process of that.
I see in several places you need commas placed in. Here, for example, you should put a comma between "early" and "for". People want to take a breath before reading all the sentences. So if you see some sentences that are super long and can have a breath space somewhere, go ahead and add a comma! In some places your comma use is spectacular, but in others it could be improved. Don't worry, commas don't bite! I'd recommend in the future to read this out aloud to yourself and put in commas where you think they are acceptable. I have been recommended this before many times and I think it overall improves your work. I'm not forcing you to, but I just am suggesting, so just keep that in note.
So, I'll have to go soon, however I'd like to finish this review up.
I hope I wasn't sounding too harsh at all, because I wanted you to know my honest opinions and help you with your work, as this is a review. Speaking of that, I hope this did end up being helpful, I tried to give my honest opinions in the best way possible!
For the future, keep in note that these are suggestions and they may actually end up helping you. Try and work on this a little more, to its full potential! I know it can be improved, such as the dividing of paragraphs I mentioned!
Happy Review Day!
~Sunset
Hi! I'm here with my review!
You could use a bit of paragraphing here, along with a few other things. Here are some of the changes I have made:
'My mom is up and running and I hear her turn the blender on as she makes herself a frappe. Moments later, I feel her shaking my shoulder in an effort to wake me from my deep sleep. It doesn't take long for me to lazily roll over and open my eyes. She smiles, says 'Good-morning' and goes to wake my other five siblings. I get dressed and take our three dogs, two dogs and my puppy, outside to relieve themselves.
While I care for their needs, Mom cares for mine. She has oatmeal, hot and delicious, waiting on the stove when I come back inside. While I begin serving dishes she washes up my two younger brothers and younger sister. When finished my sister and I serve our siblings and ourselves, we eat quickly in anticipation of school. There is no worrying about buses or being late for us. We're always on time no matter when we get up. Our teacher is always present and always there to help with those evil algebra problems. Our teacher is our mother. She teaches high school down to kindergarten to eight children. Each day everyday my mom is up early and ready to go. Our homework is checked by her, tests given and assignments assigned by her. When she's not teaching she's my personal taxi, taking me to and from my volunteer work four days a week. Even on weekends she's up early for when it's my job to feed ten horses every Saturday morning. When I'm not being carted around, she's taking my brother, her former student, to his college classes and picking him up from his job. My mother is never still and yet finds time to knit the prettiest things for anyone in need. My Mom is super Mom.'
While I do not know much about your scholarship contests, I hope I have helped you in some way.
God luck with the contest!
Like Ronald, I'd like to see the guidelines you had for writing this before I review. However, I would recommend dividing this up into paragraphs- at least two, if not more. In the beginning you start with one specific story, and then you move into generalities- so at the very least I would split up that.
Sounds like you've got one heck of a mom, though
Before I review I need to see the scholarship contest guidelines. Can you post it in the comments section. That would be helpful, and you'll get better help that way.