Young Writers Society

Hiya, Emma the empty! Just dropping in for a quick review.

This is quite a hard piece to critique because it's clearly very personal. You've certainly captured the torment of liking somebody who doesn't or can't like you back. The repetitiveness of the structure kind of works, oddly, because that's exactly how the brain behaves in these circumstances - the same thoughts, over and over, the same questions, the same doubts, the same wishes. I've written similar letters to this in my time, and I certainly recognised every painful aspect of what you're describing.

In terms of critiquing it as a piece of art, however, I don't think this is necessarily the most original description of infatuation I've seen. In a way, I don't mind that, because the most frustrating thing about love and attraction is that all of the unbearable clichés are true. However, as an artist, I would like to see you describing these feelings in a way we haven't seen before, in a way that lends new us a new understanding and perspective on them. Feeling taken over, feeling infected and trapped...they're all metaphors I've come across countless times. I'd like to see you describe love in a new way, even if all of the clichés are very real and apt.

I'm also surprised that you signed this off as 'the one you will never notice', because by the sounds of it, your crush has noticed you, but they don't seem to understand your feelings for them. That sign off felt a little at odds with the rest of the piece.

So I'd just suggest to work on originality. Think of fresh new ways to conceptualise how you feel. When I was going through something similar to this last year, I felt like I'd been pushed out into the middle of the ocean, with absolutely nothing in sight. I felt miles away from myself, and afraid to take joy in anything because I didn't know when it would be taken from me again.

But from me to you, it does get better. You've just got to tough it out and keep busy.

Keep writing!
~Pan

I like the emotion in this!

Unusually, I actually like the weak structuring and chaotic writing you've used. It does actually help to bring out the believability of the purpose of the piece. The fact that the you've rambled out for three large paragraphs about basically the same thing seemed unnecessary at first, but it felt like that was what the character would actually do, so I can't complain. It a piece like this, the believability of the character's feelings are a far more important than the orthodox writing techniques, after all.

One thing I thought fell flat was the opening "dear crush". I don't think the character would start this letter like that, it would feel far more genuine to use a name. Now, of course there are many reasons why you wouldn't want to use her name, and that's fine, but calling her "crush" just makes her feel artificial. This character is obsessed with this person, and you don't often switch out the name of a person you're obsessed with with a generic title -- especially since this letter isn't intended to be read. If you don't want to use a name, I'd suggest removing the "dear x" opener altogether, because the title already sufficiently implies that the piece is a letter.

Speaking of, I really like how you've brought out the character's obsession. The fact that they clearly know it's an unhealthy obsession and want to fight it but can't is a very powerful feeling, and you've developed it well. You've used a pretty decent balance of thoughts and recollections of experiences within the chaotic writing

Sometimes it's hard to relate to and enjoy a piece of writing that's nothing but emotional, but I liked this one, so good job!