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18+ Language

An open letter to my crush

by Emma the empty


Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language.

Dear Crush,

I am so frustrated right now! I just don’t know how to deal with you. I am trying so hard not to like you and to stay away from you, but I also still really want to talk to you. It’s such bullshit but I can’t help it. What am I supposed to do? You have infected my head and I just can’t get you out. I am so angry at you but it’s not like I can even tell you why! I’m mad that you let me do the entire project. I am mad that you don’t seem to care about anything. I’m mad that you don’t get that I was asking you on a date!!! Like really! What the hell is wrong with you?!? I asked you to see a movie alone with me and you think it’s just as friends? Well sorry to inform you but that isn’t that case! Honestly you are so infuriating! I wish I could just get you out of my head… but I can't. It’s so conflicting, I need you to pay attention to me. I need you to like me, but I also want nothing more than to yell at you and tell you to go fuck yourself!! Is that crazy? It is, isn't it? I want to hit you in the face and then kiss you. Urghhhh!!!! I wish you would just tell me you hate me so I can at least have a reason to move on, but you are so flirty and confident and nice… I don’t know how to move on. Please just tell me you hate me. I need to move on. I can’t stand this. My chest feels tight, my stomach does flips when you look my way, I can’t help but smile when our eyes meet. I feel like I just can’t escape this hole you’ve drug me into! Please, just let me go. I need you to let me go. Tell me you never want to be with me. Tell me you never want to be my friend. Tell me I should leave and never come back. Tell me anything to make me hate you. I just need to hate you. If I don’t hate you I will want to like you. I need to hate you, because if I don't I think I will fall in love with you, and I can’t handle that.

I know you won’t read this, and even if you did you wouldn’t care. I’m sorry for my crush on you, if I could I would take it back in a heartbeat. It’s just not fair, why did it have to be you? Why couldn’t it have been someone who might actually like me back? Why couldn’t I have liked someone who would treat me well? Everything in my head is screaming at me to run, but my heart won’t let me budge. I have absolutely no reason to like you, but I still do. I’m sorry for that. I’m sorry for all my passive aggressiveness and all my bullshit excuses for my behavior around you. I just don’t know how to handle a crush this strong. I don’t know how to react to something like this. Do I need to talk to you about it? Do I just try to move on as fast as possible? Or do I stick it out until the feeling fades away? Will the feelings fade, or will I be stuck pining for the rest of my high school career? Will it be longer? What if I never get over you? See this is why I need you to tell me you hate me! I need you to crush my feelings so hard that I will only ever feel disdain for you. Just help me fix this. Help me move on, please… I’m begging you. Let me go.

I will never ask anything else of you if you do me this one favor. I promise I will never bother you again, just tell me you wish we’d never met. Tell me you wish we had never talked. Tell me you wish I was dead. Give me a reason to despise everything you do. Have the humanity to force me to move on! I wish we'd met under different circumstances or in a different time. I am going to try to let go of you, but I hold out hope that you will one day return my feelings. I can only hope it won't be too late by then.

Sincerely, 

the one you will never notice 


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Mon Sep 09, 2019 2:32 pm
Panikos wrote a review...



Hiya, Emma the empty! Just dropping in for a quick review.

This is quite a hard piece to critique because it's clearly very personal. You've certainly captured the torment of liking somebody who doesn't or can't like you back. The repetitiveness of the structure kind of works, oddly, because that's exactly how the brain behaves in these circumstances - the same thoughts, over and over, the same questions, the same doubts, the same wishes. I've written similar letters to this in my time, and I certainly recognised every painful aspect of what you're describing.

In terms of critiquing it as a piece of art, however, I don't think this is necessarily the most original description of infatuation I've seen. In a way, I don't mind that, because the most frustrating thing about love and attraction is that all of the unbearable clichés are true. However, as an artist, I would like to see you describing these feelings in a way we haven't seen before, in a way that lends new us a new understanding and perspective on them. Feeling taken over, feeling infected and trapped...they're all metaphors I've come across countless times. I'd like to see you describe love in a new way, even if all of the clichés are very real and apt.

I'm also surprised that you signed this off as 'the one you will never notice', because by the sounds of it, your crush has noticed you, but they don't seem to understand your feelings for them. That sign off felt a little at odds with the rest of the piece.

So I'd just suggest to work on originality. Think of fresh new ways to conceptualise how you feel. When I was going through something similar to this last year, I felt like I'd been pushed out into the middle of the ocean, with absolutely nothing in sight. I felt miles away from myself, and afraid to take joy in anything because I didn't know when it would be taken from me again.

But from me to you, it does get better. You've just got to tough it out and keep busy.

Keep writing! :D
~Pan




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Sat Sep 07, 2019 4:34 am
Asith wrote a review...



I like the emotion in this!

Unusually, I actually like the weak structuring and chaotic writing you've used. It does actually help to bring out the believability of the purpose of the piece. The fact that the you've rambled out for three large paragraphs about basically the same thing seemed unnecessary at first, but it felt like that was what the character would actually do, so I can't complain. It a piece like this, the believability of the character's feelings are a far more important than the orthodox writing techniques, after all.

One thing I thought fell flat was the opening "dear crush". I don't think the character would start this letter like that, it would feel far more genuine to use a name. Now, of course there are many reasons why you wouldn't want to use her name, and that's fine, but calling her "crush" just makes her feel artificial. This character is obsessed with this person, and you don't often switch out the name of a person you're obsessed with with a generic title -- especially since this letter isn't intended to be read. If you don't want to use a name, I'd suggest removing the "dear x" opener altogether, because the title already sufficiently implies that the piece is a letter.

Speaking of, I really like how you've brought out the character's obsession. The fact that they clearly know it's an unhealthy obsession and want to fight it but can't is a very powerful feeling, and you've developed it well. You've used a pretty decent balance of thoughts and recollections of experiences within the chaotic writing :)

Sometimes it's hard to relate to and enjoy a piece of writing that's nothing but emotional, but I liked this one, so good job!





"My spelling is wobbly. It's good spelling, but it wobbles, and the letters get in the wrong places."
— A.A. Milne