Young Writers Society

Text Version:

I am the wilted branch on my family’s tree,
their pride is a mirror and I—
I am the crack that distorts their image,
a loud, terrifying scream that deafens all.

I am a lighthouse that speaks aimlessly to ships
that never come close enough to hear.
I can see the smoke blowing from their engines as
they drift away, far enough from me—their blinding light.

I am the sour fruit of their labor,
bitter on the tongue after a season of tender care.
They painted me as a masterpiece, but I am a canvas
that bled its colors into the rain.

I am the scent of a wilted flower lingering
in their garden, a reminder that I was
once beautiful, and ethereal—
a broken promise.

They cup their hands to hold me,
but I am water, slipping through their fingers,
no matter
how tightly they grasp.

Hey Elektra.

Oy, the title caught my eye immediately. It offers a lot potential images, and leaves me wondering why? which is a brilliant start to a story or poem.

The imagery is concrete, and vivid. Particularly the picture of a canvas that won't hold color -- that one neatly echoes back on your title as well; probably part of why it struck me.

Structurally, perhaps it would be stronger if it consciously and overtly built each stanza out of one of the senses? There's something half there already; you seem to have an intuition for the flow. But it's not consistent.

I'd love, for example, to see further developed version in which #1 uses hearing ('a loud scream...') #2 uses sights ('a lighthouse...') #3 uses taste ('sour fruit') and then have each contradictory very clearly defined.

For example, fruit being sour: Distinctly opposite to what fruit "should" be.

But the lighthouse 'speaking aimlessly' to ships 'not coming close' -- is it the ships fault? Why is the lighthouse speaking, instead of illuminating? Why do they drift away, and why are they bright? You're writing about a black sheep, or a scapegoat in a family that either sees a member as unnatural/unlike or about a member who is malformed or doesn't fit, it seems. The fact that the primary image in each stanza is a figurative portrait of that misfit-ness should be clear.

If you tighten those images, you've got a powerfully visceral portrait of rejection and familial relationships.

I loved the final image. What if you also toyed with each stanza to imply how this individual is being grasped while at the same time, rejected? It's hinted at, but seems secondary.

Cheers! and feel free to ask questions.

Toodles,

IMP