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Home » Literary works » Poetry » Dramatic


In The Hall

by EagleFly


I walk on the floor

In this hall,

Its dark murky black nise

Showing gore,

Fear runs threw me,

I wished for a light to suddenly switch on

but nothing happened at all,

suddenly a sound comes from in front of me,

a bit of light then rushed in,

I could now see ever thing,

I then ran to the light of what looked like day.

I was now free,

 from walking in that Hallway.


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151 Reviews


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Fri Sep 14, 2018 4:47 pm
Arcticus wrote a review...



Hello EagleFly! Arc here with a review. Let's dive in shall we?

I think alliyah has already given a pretty comprehensive critique of this poem, so I will not delve into the technicalities that have already been pointed out by the reviewers before me (like a few spelling mistakes which need to be corrected, or how comfortable you sound with your imagery - which is really descriptive and impactful!)

In the first line, I think you meant to use the word 'crawl' instead of 'walk' because 'crawl on the floor' seems more appropriate to me than 'walk on the floor'. Which one did you intend to use?

You might want to reassess your choice of words here, and pick the one you feel is more apt to describe the imagery - that of the narrator dragging himself through the darkness, helplessly.

In the fourth line, "showing gore" could be made more effective by something like "with gore all around me" or likewise. Sometimes minor changes in the choice of words can make your poem more effective and impactful, even while conveying the same meaning.

Overall, I like how you use "the Hallway" as a symbol for those and dark and desolate phases that one goes through in life. The poem ends on an optimistic note of "walking into the light" and freedom from the darkness. You've handled the light-dark imagery pretty well, but there are some parts of the poem you can still improve.

I see talent in you. Keep writing!

Regards,
Arc.




EagleFly says...


thank you for the review it really means a lot to me. :D



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Fri Sep 14, 2018 1:16 pm
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Eros wrote a review...



Hey, dear EagleFly!!

Here is Eros with a review for you!!

I loved the title ... And the picture is just as scary as the line,

Its dark murky black nise

Showing gore,

Fear runs threw me,


It made me feel the feelings of fear... Especially the description, using the unique word, "gore". It's basically, the beautiful description of a scary hall and how you wish for a light to get turned on, just like life. I am sorry that might not be your intention, but I personally related the hall being like a life. Life can be scary at times like that hall. But at the end you always get a light of hope as in the poem you showed the light of the day.

Overall it was a beautiful poem full of meaning. Loved it very much.

Keep writing and keep tagging me .. I would love to read your poems and works !!

Have a great day / night !




EagleFly says...


thank you for the review it really means a lot to me. :D



Eros says...


:D welcome!



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Fri Sep 14, 2018 4:46 am
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alliyah wrote a review...



Hi EagleFly! Good to see you posting some poetry today! Let's get to the review. :)

First I'll make a few grammatical corrections and suggestions, I spotted a few errors here and there and made a couple suggestions about adding periods rather than commas to help with reading comprehension. If you have questions about any of these, let me know - the corrections are in red.

Grammar, Spelling, Punctuation

I walk on the floor

In this hall,

It's dark murky black and nice

Showing gore.

Fear runs through me,

I wished for a light to suddenly switch on

but nothing happened at all.

Suddenly a sound comes from in front of me,

a bit of light then rushed in,

I could now see everything.

I then ran to the light of what looked like day.

I was now free,

from walking in that hallway.


Okay now let's get to the important stuff! Meaning and Poetic Devices! :)
Meaning
I interpreted this to be a narrative poem (a poem that tells a story) about a speaker who is walking down a hallway that they find to be very scary, maybe even haunted. Luckily at the last second, a light can be seen and they don't have to walk through the creepy hallway.

I think the moral of the poem is that although at times it looks like we may have to face difficult things, but that sometimes if we wait it out something will save us and it'll work out in the end.

The poem made me feel worried for the narrator and triumphant when they were "saved by the light".

Poetic Topics

Imagery
Your poetic strength in this poem was absolutely imagery! You did a great job setting a scene, and you even chose a picture to further set the tone. The imagery was specific, the hallway wasn't just "dark" - but you described it as gorey and murky - strong words for setting the scene. The imagery made the poem come alive in my mind and helped me as a reader emotionally connect to what you were portraying. Nicely done!

I think you might look at expanding your excellent use of imagery to the descriptions of light too! What did the light look like? What did it feel like? Was it warm, was it joyful? Where did it come from? Expanding details like these can really make the poem come alive and leave a lasting impression.

Flow
I think one area you could look at improving is flow. Or how a poem sounds when read; ie smooth or choppy. Your poem's flow was a little stilted or choppy, which made it difficult to interpret all the passages and lines together. One quick way to improve flow is to try to make the lines more even.

Story
As I said earlier I think you've got some good instincts as far as making a poem into a story! That probably comes from your chapter writing background, that gives you good skills in telling a story. I think in this poem one way to make the story make a bit more sense, is to give a bit of context as to why the character was in this hallway to begin with, and also how exactly the light freed them from walking in the hallway. I think answering some of these loose ends would help readers understand your story.

I hope my suggestions and compliments gave you some ideas on how to work with this poem and future poems, if you have any questions about my review feel free to ask. :) Thanks for posting this poem, I enjoyed reading it - though it was a bit scary!!

~alliyah

Image




EagleFly says...


thank you for the review it means a lot to me.



alliyah says...


You're welcome! :)



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Fri Sep 14, 2018 1:30 am
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Louisiana15 wrote a review...



I was a bit lost because of the spelling and grammatical errors. There are commas where there shouldn't be and that takes away from the flow of, and thus the meaning behind, your poem.


This reminds me of the mind during a time of depression. You are oppressed in a dark, gruesome hallway with fear consuming you--the depression--and suddenly there is the light at the end of the hallway--hope. Many with depression can relate to this feeling of darkness and murkiness and not all can relate to finding that hope, but I know personally that hope is what they always wish for.

Hope versus darkness is a strong theme in life itself and I feel like you could have portrayed it better than you did in this. This is a great structure that you can build off of, though. I think it needs a few tweaks.




EagleFly says...


thank you for the review it means a lot to me.



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Fri Sep 14, 2018 1:21 am
kman134 wrote a review...



Hi. this is kman134. I am here to review your work.

the atmosphere of your poem was dark and ominous. the world in your poem shows visions of blood and mutilation. the hallway reminds me of a slaughterhouse where the horror truly begins. the emotional aspect was a little tamed and I would advise giving more life to it, along with expanding the length to add more depth.
Fear runs thro me,

"I wished for a light to suddenly switch on

but nothing happened at all,

suddenly a sound comes from in front of me,

a bit of light then rushed in,

I could now see ever thing,

I then ran to the light of what looked like day,

I was now free from walking in that,

Hall way."

I noticed a lot of spelling errors. like "thro" should be "through" and "hall way" doesn't need a space. you also need to remove the comma between that and hallway.

anyways, that's all I have to say. I like the story but still needs work. I hope to read more of your work.




EagleFly says...


thank you for the review it means a lot to me.




This is a house of homes, a sacred place, by human passion made divinely sweet.
— Alfred Joyce Kilmer