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Thinking is Dangerous

by Durban Poison


The things we say or do,
or even think or speak,
Whether the truth or not -
somewhere it happened like you knew.

The universe is a dark & scary place,
our little nodular could be knocked from space.
So hear me out I'll make my case.

Thinking the things we do because we can,
causes a ripple in space & time to bend.
So many dreams contained as grains of sand,
the stars put them there for us to tend.
Everything has gone according as planned,
healing can begin so wounds may mend.

Our world is small so we are smaller,
yet smaller still exists a world,
for those with smaller stature,
as we are the world to some.


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18 Reviews


Points: 2250
Reviews: 18

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Sun Oct 27, 2019 4:28 pm
Cici wrote a review...



Hello, Durban Poison!

I'm not particularly good at reviewing poetry, but I'll give it a try. I really liked the whole concept of this poem, and I connected with it a lot! I also loved how it was optimistic and gave a sense of importance to humans. You made your case quite nicely.

There were some parts where I felt a little confused, but it might be because I didn't relate to it. For example, the line "Everything has gone according as planned, healing can begin so wounds may mend" seemed out of place. There weren't many instances, but a few felt detached and not connected with the main idea. For me, it would fit better if you tied it with our thoughts. Maybe "Realizing that things have gone as planned can allow healing wounds to mend." Of course, you are not obligated to make this change if you prefer the original.

Another preference that I have is the part " somewhere it happened like you knew." I personally like just "somewhere it happened." Again, you don't have to make any of these changes; these are merely my suggestions. I have two more small suggestions, but you don't have to take any of them! I enjoyed reading the entire piece a lot, and these are only tiny personal recommendations.

The things we say or do, or even think or speak.

You mention "the things we say," but you also have "or speak." You could replace "speak" with "feel."

Our world is small so we are smaller, yet smaller still exists a world, for those with smaller stature, as we are the world to some.

I can't tell you how much I love this!! I've read it so many times, and the only thing that bothers me is "as we are the world to some." I favor "are the world to some."

I sincerely hope these suggestions that offend you in any way and that they don't take away from the message of this poem. I truly adored this poem and its subject. I would love to read some more of your writing!

Good Job!
Cici




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57 Reviews


Points: 3893
Reviews: 57

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Mon Oct 07, 2019 7:28 pm
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Stellarjay says...



Hey!
i thought your poem was really nice. I definitly relate to "The universe is a dark & scary place."
This is just my opinion, but I found it hard to follow. Other than that I think your story is really good and you have a potential of a writer!




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26 Reviews


Points: 56
Reviews: 26

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Mon Oct 07, 2019 3:19 pm
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DariaTheGirlWhoLovesPizza wrote a review...



Hey, I'm here to review! I really liked the title of this poem, I think it conveyed your ‘thoughts’ really well.
My favorite stanzas were definitely the last two, especially the imagery and word choices used.

If I had anything to say as far as critique goes, I would comment on your rhyme scheme. The rhyming was all over the place. One second you were rhyming with only “space” the next you were rhyming every other line and then you weren’t rhyming at all. This definitely messed up the flow of the poem for me. I feel like you should’ve just stuck to one. Either rhyme or don’t rhyme at all. But like I said above, your word choice was really great, you just have to convey it the right way.

Anyways, you’re a really great poem writer thus far. And hopefully you continue. This review is just an opinion, so don’t change anything if u don’t want to.

Bye :)

-Daria





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