z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

How Our Paths Crossed Part 1

by Amabilia


Prologue

Young laughter rippled through the forest.

“Wick!” a small girl, about five, called out. “Where are you?”

“The last place you’d guess,” a boy’s voice called from above. The girl looked up as Wick jumped down from the trees overhead.

The little boy’s mother called out to him, “Wickaninnish, it’s time to help with the chores.” He turned around and hugged his friend goodbye.

“I’ll see you later, Buggy,” Wick said as he left.

“Wick?” the mother called again, then spoke her native tongue, “Neech, neenoquicq onuchquask.”

“Quaumeh, n’guk. Nehpaucheh!” Wick called back.

--

Allie Hemsworth shut her trunk and clasped it shut. Her family was going to the Colonies for the summer because her father had bought a summer home up there. Allie hadn’t been to America since she was a child. Her family had often gone to stay with her uncle, Richard Howe, but one year he told them they couldn’t stay with him anymore. Her uncle’s last name was different because Allie’s grandmother, Agnes Hemsworth, had an affair with Emanuel Scrope Howe and Richard was the outcome.

“Allie, Elspet is here to say goodbye,” Allie’s mother, Felicity, called from below. She quickly smoothed out her traveling dress and walked downstairs. Elspet was always fussy about her best friend’s appearance, though Allie would rather wear men’s pants and a blouse. When she reached the bottom of the steps, she rushed forward and embraced her friend.

“Elspet!” Allie exclaimed. Felicity stepped out of the house to watch for the carriage.

“Careful!” Elspet cried, backing away, “You’ll wrinkle my new dress!” The eighteen-year old’s expression was frustrated as she slowly smoothed her dress. Allie patiently waited, used to her behavior. It was several long moments before Elspet looked up. “I still can’t believe you’re going to the Colonies. I’m going to be all alone with Mark,” she complained. It was obvious that their childhood friend was looking for a relationship with Elspet, but the feeling wasn’t mutual. Elspet had already found a husband and was happily married to Harry Houston. She was always nagging at Allie for not finding a husband when she was younger.

“It’s only for the summer, and besides, you have plenty of other people you can spend your time with. You do have eight siblings and a husband after all,” Allie consoled as she brushed a loose strand of her curly blond hair behind her ear. She wished she could just cut all of it off, as it went all the way down her back, but putting her hair up would just have to do for now. Elspet opened her mouth to protest, but before she could, they heard the sound of a carriage pulling up.

“Allie, the carriage is here,” her mother called, signaling that Elspet would have to leave.

“Goodbye,” Allie said as they walked outside and, despite her friend’s protests, pulled her into one last hug. Elspet walked away, grumbling about having to iron her dress extra. Allie’s shoulders drooped as she realized the other girl hadn’t even muttered a “goodbye.”

“Child!” her father, Chandler, said as he walked her trunk down the stairs with the help of their neighbor. “I didn’t know that you had a collection of bricks!” he gasped. Allie chuckled as the driver opened the door to the carriage. Her mother climbed in.

“It’s not that heavy, father. I bet yours is even heavier with all your ‘hunting tools,’” she teased, climbing into the carriage. Chandler laughed as he secured her trunk to the back of the wagon. He hurriedly grabbed the other trunks and before she knew it, they were waving goodbye to her neighbor as the carriage pulled away.

“I’ll miss Henry,” Allie stated as the carriage traveled out of town and onto the bumpy dirt roads. Henry was the small family’s tom cat. They had dropped him off at Elspet’s house the day before. He had been Allie’s only companion in her younger years. She would come home from the market with her mother and Henry would always be sitting there, waiting for her. They would go out back and play together. Henry was much too old for that now.

“It’s only for the summer, dear, and who knows? Next time we might be able to bring him with,” Felicity consoled. Chandler was reading the paper for the day. He had thumbed to the jobs section. Allie’s father had been out of work for a few months now and was no closer to getting another job. The man’s daughter thought that he might have bought the summer home in America in hopes of getting a job there, but Allie hoped not. She would hate to have to move away from Elspet and the only home she had ever known.

“This one says they need a night time teller for a bank,” he read.

“No,” his wife said thoughtfully, “The hours would be horrible on our schedule.” Her parents kept droning on in this manner for quite a while. Allie looked out the window and surveyed the landscape. Her eyes drooped from a restless sleep the night before and, before long, Allie was asleep.

--

“Allie,” her mother woke her. “We’re at the dock, you must wake up now.” Allie groaned as she found she was very stiff from the long ride. As she climbed out of the carriage, she noticed that, although they had left in the morning, the sun was already setting. She looked up at the ships and, pulling her sweater closer to fend off the crisp January air, tried to read the names in the dim light. Draper, John, Cleveland, the names read. Allie walked down the dock until she came to a large cargo ship. Carolina was the name of the vessel. Felicity walked up to Allie.

“That’s it,” she said.

“What?”

“That’s the ship we’re taking to the Colonies,” her mother stated. Allie looked at the ship again. It wasn’t much to look at and there were far too many people already on board.

“It’s time to go girls!” Chandler called from the ship. He must have already loaded the trunks. Allie looked at the small plank of wood she would have to cross to get onto the ship.

“Mother..,” she started.

“It’ll be fine. Plenty of people have crossed over that to get onto the ship and not one of them has fallen. Your father even walked across it with our trunks! You will be fine, Allie,” her mother soothed her. Allie warily stepped closer to the board and remembered that fateful day at the beach when she was ten.

Elspet, Allie, and their mothers had all decided to go down to the beach. They had wanted to just walk along the shore, but Allie insisted on going into the cool ocean. She had shed her dress and waded in, much to Felicity’s disapproval. But suddenly, a riptide grabbed a hold of her and pulled her out to sea. She screamed as she went under and heard Felicity yelling to her, but couldn’t move out of shock. The water pushed and pulled her. Allie lost all sense of direction. Later that day she got back to shore and was relieved, but she never went in an ocean again. Her going on a ship was still nerve wrecking.

Chandler seemed to notice that Allie was starting to panic. He ran back across the board and grabbed his daughter’s arm. “I won’t let you fall,” he reassured her. She looked at him and shakily nodded. She took a step towards the board. Chandler kept walking her forward with Felicity following close behind. Step by step they went, each one closer to the relative safety of the ship. She finally stepped onboard and hurried over to the middle of the ship.

She leaned against a crate with her eyes closed and tried to stop shaking. “You okay, lass?” a voice said. Allie opened her eyes and looked at the man in front of her. She nodded as Felicity and Chandler walked over to her.

“She’s terrified of water,” Felicity explained to the man. He nodded with understanding.

“My wife’s just the same. Always nagging to me about bein’ a sailor. My name’s Njål by the way.”

“Chandler Hemsworth,” they shook hands. “This is my wife, Felicity, and my daughter, Allie.”

“Nice to meet you,” he said with a smile.

“Njål!” a voice cried from behind them, “Get on with your job.”

“Yes, sir,” Njål responded. He shot me another smile before resuming his work.

“Come on, girls,” Chandler said, “Our spot is over here.”

“Spot? Don’t we have cabins, father?” Allie asked.

“No, this is a cargo ship. We didn’t have enough money for a passenger ship after purchasing the summer home. We simply have a spot assigned to us.” They walked up to a small tent. Allie looked at it with disappointment. There was a small sheet spread on the ground and not much else. A few packs of clothes were in the corner.

“Well. I guess this is our home for the next two and a half months,” Allie mumbled as she settled in for the boring trip.

--

“Prepare for landing!” a snarly stuck-up voice called. The owner of the voice, Captain Vening, had been the same person who had chastised Njål all trip long.

“You’d think that blubberin’ idiot could shut his trap for at least an hour. All day and night he’s running that darned mouth o’ his. He’s only captain ‘cuz everyone can ‘ear them orders of his,” Njål complained.

“I’m sure he means well,” Allie responded. Nothing had been further from the truth. The man had harassed everyone on board the entire two months, never closing his mouth. The vessel came closer to shore, and that dreaded board was put across the gap. Allie closed her eyes and took a deep breath. The world seemed to be getting smaller, making her breathing ragged. Njål turned towards her.

“How ya doing, lass?” his face was etched with worry.

“I’ll- I’ll be fine as soon as I get across that piece of wood. That small, flimsy piece of wood,” her thoughts weren’t helping with her fright at all. Allie could imagine herself on the wood, only to have it break underneath her or her fall off.

“Allie dear, it’s time to go,” Felicity said to her. They approached the board. “It’ll be fine. It can hold us,” she said, though whether she was reassuring Allie or herself, her daughter wasn’t sure. They took a few steps forward, and Allie gained confidence. She had been on a ship for the past couple months and nothing bad had happened, what’s so bad about this? She took her first step on the wood, then another. It was going fine until she noticed a deep crack on the wood. It was getting larger. She tried to hurry her pace, but her mother would not go faster. Felicity wasn’t raised around water like this so she always took her time.

“Mother, there’s a crack,” Allie said urgently. Felicity looked down and yelped. She started hurrying across and managed to step on the crack, widening it further. Allie, trying to catch up, was still on the board when a sickening crack was heard. Felicity stopped on the other side, only to see her daughter still on. Another crack was heard, this one louder, and the board started to collapse, Allie along with it. It broke in two pieces, falling into the churning water between the ship and the doc. She screamed, following it down the large drop.

She fell at least twenty feet before hitting the water. She heard muffled yells as she was tossed this way and that, trying to find a sense of direction. A moment later, she heard a splash and the water was filled with more foam. Strong arms grabbed her and lifted her up. Her head broke the water and Allie gasped for air. “Are you okay, Allie?” Njål’s warm voice called over the rough water. A rope was dangling above them. She nodded, barely moving her head as she wrapped her arms around his neck.

She couldn’t think straight as Njål grabbed the rope and they were lifted up. Her mind was full of memories of last time she was in the sea mixed with only a slight realization of what was going on. She was still dazed halfway up when Njål said something to her. Seeing that she hadn’t quite heard him, he repeated, “We’re almost there, lass.”

Finally, wet and shaking, Allie was pulled up onto the dock. Njål climbed up after her as her parents rushed over. “Allie!” Felicity cried when she reached her daughter. “Allie, are you okay?” Someone draped a cloak around her as her mother bent down by her.

“Yes, mother, I’m... alright. Just shaken up, that’s all,” she admit.

“And rightfully so! Where is that dreaded captain? I’m going to knock some sense into him!” Felicity stood. Chandler grabbed her shoulder firmly.

“Felicity, this is not your fight. Get a coach and bring Allie and your things to the cottage. I’ll clear things up here.” Chandler walked over to the ship, where someone had already laid down a new board. Allie watched him walk on board and go straight to the captain’s quarters.

“Child, the coach is here. Perhaps some men will help us load it? Felicity and Allie Hemsworth,” she looked pointedly at the people crowded around us. Several men went to the pile of trunks and pulled out the ones with our names on them. The men then secured them to a waiting coach.

When mother wants her way, she gets it, Allie thought with a small smile. Felicity grabbed her arm and helped her stand. Allie’s legs were a little wobbly, but she made it over to the carriage.

“I’m afraid you don’t have any clothes to change into because the trunk is packed on, and it’s a ten-minute ride,” Felicity said with a frown.

“That’s alright. There’s a shop right over there,” Allie pointed. The building she pointed out was a riding shop and there would be no fancy skirts in there. Just how she liked it. Felicity’s frown deepened but she complied, walking with her daughter over to the shop.

--

“I really wish you hadn’t insisted on the basic skirt, Allie. It is just so similar to a man’s,” Felicity was complaining, again. She had spent the entire ride complaining about how the other women snickered as they saw what Allie was wearing. They had just gotten to the cottage and the driver had unpacked their things and left. Allie started to drag her trunk upstairs but her mother stopped her. “Let your father get it when he gets here.”

“Mother, I can do it, though.”

“Are you sure? I would prefer if you just waited.”

“Mother...”

“Just wait for your father, dear.” Allie huffed in frustration. Felicity walked into the kitchen. “Now, what should we make for dinner?” she continued bustling around the kitchen, getting things ready. Allie slowly grabbed the handle on her trunk and started sliding it up the stairs. She reached the top and looked around the hall. There were three rooms. Opening a door, she saw a vanity and a wash tub. The next door held a room with its own bathroom, presumably the masters.

The last door held a room with a four post bed. There was a beautiful oak dresser and a wardrobe of the same wood. The bed spread was a beautiful rosy pink and the bed had a flowing pink canopy. The floor was a plush carpet with small roses decorating it and the wall paper was covered in pinks and reds. Allie hated it. She would rather sleep in the stables, which were out back. They only had enough room to host a carriage and a single horse, but even that would be better than this.

Elspet would have loved this room. I wish it was her on this trip, not me. I would rather be back home, climbing trees and riding Snowy, Allie thought with a heavy heart. Snowy was Allie’s horse. He had stayed in the town stable and Allie had taken him out for a ride every day. While she remembered happy memories with him, she started unpacking. She piled her many dresses for ironing and put her stockings in the dresser. Finally, in the bottom of the trunk, she found her secret trousers and blouse.

She had kept the secret for months, and, back when Chandler had a job and she had the whole day to herself, she would sneak out of the house and go to the forest in them. Allie would bring along her father’s bow and practice, sometimes practicing with knives, not giving up until it started to get dark and her father would be home soon. Those, of course, were the days when Felicity went to visit her sister in Boston. If Felicity ever found out, she would have a heart attack with horror, so Allie simply kept them a secret. She placed them in the bottom of the dresser under many articles of underclothing.

“Allie!” Felicity called. Allie rushed down the stairs. “Where is your trunk?” Allie could feel a wave of disapproval coming off of her.

“I-I brought it upstairs,” she said quietly.

“I thought I told you to leave it for father?”

“Well, yes but I was able to do it so I just thought-”

“This has nothing to do with whether you could pull it upstairs or not. You openly disobeyed me! It is not a woman’s place to do heavy lifting. She belongs in the kitchen. Now get!” she pointed towards the kitchen door and I sulked inside. There was bread rising by the oven. “You make dinner and I’ll get started on the garden,” she called through the door. Felicity always gardened when something was bugging her. Allie grabbed some paper and scribbled down a list.

Groceries

-Butter

-Flour

-Salt

-Lamb (leg)

-Sugar

-Eggs

“Mother!” Allie called through the window. “I’m going to town!”

“Fine! Be back soon enough to make dinner!” she was still pretty mad. Her daughter grabbed the list and went out the door to see a carriage sitting there. Chandler was unloading his things.

“Father, may I take the carriage back into town?” Allie asked him. He scratched his head.

“It would really be up to the driver.” Allie looked over at the driver, who shrugged.

“Sure. I would be headin’ that way anyways,” he said. Allie climbed up in the front seat with him.

“Thank you,” she said, then turned to her father, “Oh, mother is a little... um... angry.”

“Why?” Chandler frowned.

“I... She told me to leave my trunk for you to take care of, but I brought it upstairs myself.” Chandler laughed. Allie gaped at him.

“Less work for me!”

“But- Shouldn’t you be mad at me?”

“Mad? Why be mad if your work is halfway done for you?” He laughed again as the driver cracked the reins and the carriage lurched forwards. She turned towards the road in front of her.

“My name’s Dean. Dean Knight,” he held his hand out and Allie shook it, “And who might I be helpin’?”

“Allie Hemsworth.”

“Ah... Hemsworth. I’ve heard talk of ya’. Ya’ don’t happen to be related to that ol’ Richard Howe, do ya?”

“Yes, he’s my uncle.”

“Hm. Y’all are gonna get some mighty fine hate for that.”

“What do you mean?”

“Them townspeople are strongly for Mr. Washington. Things have gotten pretty tense ‘round here.”

“Mr. Washington?”

“The colonies like to think he’s gonna bring a war for independence. Howe, your uncle, is tryin’ ta squash out that thought.”

“A war? I haven’t heard anything about a war.”

“That might be ‘cuz ya just got ‘ere. You’ll hear about it. That’s for sure.” The rest of the ride was silent until the carriage pulled up to town and Allie hopped down.

“Thank you, Mr. Knight,” she said.

“Anytime, ma’am.” The carriage pulled away towards the docks. Allie turned to the town and set to shopping. She walked into a small shop and went up to the front counter. Getting the attention of the clerk, she read her list and asked the price.

“That brings you up to $5.86,” the clerk said. Allie pulled out the coins and paid. She grabbed her things and was about to leave when the clerk stopped her. “I haven’t seen you around town before.”

“Yes, my family just arrived today.”

“Oh? I’m Kent Loure. And you are?”

“Allie Hemsworth.”

“Hemsworth, eh?” the shop got quiet.

“Yes,” Allie’s voice was like a tiny mouse next to the huge tiger of silence.

“And what are you doing here?”

“Well, my father recently lost his job, so we moved here in hopes of finding another,” she shifted, clearly uncomfortable.

“Lost his job, huh. Wonder how that happened?”

“I-I don’t know, but I really must be going,” something about the situation made Allie very uncomfortable. She hurried towards the door.

“Tell your father to come down to my shop soon,” Kent called as she left.


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Fri Sep 08, 2017 2:09 am
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Dracula wrote a review...



Hey there, DreamingForever. :D I was going to review part 2 but figured I ought to have a read of part 1 first, so here I am.

The prologue was cute. I could imagine that 'young laughter' clearly, and it highlighted the special relationship between your two characters. The only nitpick I have is the mother's call. I was imagining them in the middle of a forest, so how did the voice of Wick's mother reach them? Unless she was in the forest too? It's not that important, it just confused me a little.

One nitpick I'd like to mention is that you repeat some words in close proximity. Take these two examples from towards the beginning: --“You’ll wrinkle my new dress!” The eighteen-year old’s expression was frustrated as she slowly smoothed her dress.-- -- Her family was going to the Colonies for the summer because her father had bought a summer home up there.-- Notice that you repeat summer and dress. It just destroys the flow, so maybe brainstorm other words like 'holiday home' and 'gown'.

Allie's character is explored in-depth, and I like it. Her boyish, wild spirit is a stark contrast to her friend, who worries about her dress and is already married. Her excitement is also a fresh touch to the apparently stern, posh society she comes from. Going from what I've read in other novels, her free spirit is going to get Allie in trouble at some point. :D

“She’s terrified of water,” Felicity explained to the man. He nodded with understanding.
Already we have a conflict. That's good, it's keeping my interested. Make sure there's character development here, but I don't think I need to remind you, haha.

I really liked Dean Knight's dialogue. He has such a distinct accent and you've expressed it well.

That's all I've got to say. I'll get on to part two as soon as I've started cooking lunch! :D




Amabilia says...


Thank you for coming back to review my first work, as well as my second! I'll include this when I'm editing.
Thanks again!



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Sun Jun 25, 2017 5:45 pm
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Lumos wrote a review...



Hi DreamingForever!

I liked this story! I'm not much of a history buff, but I do love reading stories set in the past.

I agree with MJTucker about the information dumping, so I'm not going into detail with that.

Ah, prologues. How I love, but hate them. Really, I find them rather confusing and pointless. Personally, I would leave out the prologue, but it's up to you. If you do decide to keep it, I just want to point out one thing.

[quote]“Wick?” the mother called again, then spoke her native tongue, “Neech, neenoquicq onuchquask.”

“Quaumeh, n’guk. Nehpaucheh!” Wick called back.[a/quote]

I'm not sure if that is an actual language or a made up language. But honestly, you don't need to write things like "neech, neenoquicq." Because it's a little distracting and doesn't make any sense. Something like this would sound and look better: "Wick?" the mother called again, then spoke something in her native tongue."

So much cleaner and easier to write.

(quote) Elspet walked away, grumbling about having to iron her dress extra. (a/quote)

Ok, this is just me being a little nitpicky, but I would take the word 'extra' out. It's placed in the wrong area and it made me stop reading and go "what?" You don't want your reader to stop reading, so that's just a small suggestion.

[quote] Allie walked down the dock until she came to a large cargo ship. Carolina was the name of the vessel. Felicity walked up to Allie.

“That’s it,” she said.

“What?” [a/quote]

this is another nitpitcky thing. The sentence "Felicity walked up to Allie." Is abrupt and, in a way, is "telling" not showing. Perhaps, consider something like this:

"That's it," Felicity said from behind.

As I said before, I'm not much of a history person, so I have no clue how things worked back them. But it doesn't seem very believable that they're spending a 2 month boat ride to stay for the summer. 2 months is a very long travel time to be only staying in America for only a few months. Just seems kind of weird.

[quote]The man’s daughter thought that he might have bought the summer home in America in hopes of getting a job there, but Allie hoped not.[a/quote]

It was a little confusing how you used the phrase 'the man's daughter.' This gave me pause and a little confusion. I just think it's a little awkward phrasing.

Also, I think the scene of her mother getting mad at her for carrying her suitcase is a little long and uninteresting. I would suggest shortening it.

Overall, you have a good story! I also agree with MJTucker that the middle portion is the best written, so keep writing like that. I am curious what will happen next!

Lumos




Amabilia says...


Thanks for your review!



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Sun Jun 25, 2017 5:26 pm
Elijah wrote a review...



Hey there, Eli here from Team Marlins for a short but hopefully useful review on this lovely review day!

The story is interesting but many minor things are pissing me off about the way it is written. Some might be already mentioned by previous reviewers but I still want to say what I think about this work after reading it and trying to understand its concept the best way I can. I expect a future meeting with that now older childhood riend of Allie that she will maybe meet after she comes back for the summer? Or is it a totally different place? To be honest, I cannot really tell but maybe this is part of the mystery? Is Wick in the forest near the house she was used to living in or somewhere else where she is going? Will there be any future meeting with this mysterious boy in the forests or was it just a past event, part of a memory, that you just start the story with? Because it needs to play a pretty important role in the story if you start with it right?


Anyways, this is only question in my head for now.

The other thing is that you have a lots of dialogue which I find pretty useless in most cases. Do not get me wrong, it is alright to have properly put dialogue. It gives us a lots of information and even personality traits of each persona in the story. But overusing it comes to the point in which I stop carrying and I simply want to skip all those dialogue parts because I find them useless and not that important for the concept of the story, for the plot itself, anymore. I find the actions more proper than the useless talks I guess we can say? But everything needs to be equally sectioned. You need to have actions, events happening to direct us around the story, to show and tell. Dialogue is good to provide us some character, some feels! But it is just too much and makes the reader a bit too..annoyed and bored. It might be a turn off for some people even. So this is maybe the biggest problem with this work.

The part in which you tell us about whythe uncle has another name not the one they are having as a family. It is a good add into the story, but everything else around it is also a bit too much. You can gather the reason why they are leaving in one to two sentence. We have enough imagination and common sense to find the two ends and tie them together.


“It’s only for the summer, dear, and who knows? Next time we might be able to bring him with us,”

The man’s daughter thought that he might have bought the summer home in America in hopes of getting a job there, but Allie hoped not. (as I understood, Allie is the only daughter of his? In this sentence, a reader will consider you talk about two different ladies.)

“It’s time to go, girls!”

“Mother..,” (use one mark or another, not both)

I wish it was her on this trip, not me. (suddenly you changed from third pov to first)

she would sneak out of the house and go to the forest in them. (in what?)


Keep on writing!




Amabilia says...


Thank you for reviewing!



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Sat Jun 03, 2017 5:25 pm
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Atticus wrote a review...



Hey there! MJ dropping by for a (hopefully) short review :)

There were two main areas of writing that I wanted to address, and that was info dumping and the general lack of movement. There was also one aspect of the plot I wanted to address. Let's start with info dumping. Here's an example:

Allie Hemsworth shut her trunk and clasped it shut. Her family was going to the Colonies for the summer because her father had bought a summer home up there. Allie hadn’t been to America since she was a child. Her family had often gone to stay with her uncle, Richard Howe, but one year he told them they couldn’t stay with him anymore. Her uncle’s last name was different because Allie’s grandmother, Agnes Hemsworth, had an affair with Emanuel Scrope Howe and Richard was the outcome.
Is all this information necessary right now? It might be good for the reader to know why the family is going to the colonies and even that she hadn't been to the colonies for a while. But the reader doesn't need to be overwhelmed with the knowledge about affairs and last names and ancestry. Especially for the beginning of the story, that can be a turn-off for a potential reader.

As far as the lack of movement, this was something I noticed towards the end of the story. There was a lot of dialogue between the characters to the point where it seemed excessive, especially considering the general fast pace of the story leading up to this section. It might have been better if you left off before the carriage, just because of the completely different tone the story takes on. The ending doesn't really carry that oomph of a finish like stories should, and doesn't wrap things up as well as it should for the end of a chapter.

And then a final plot note: The family seems to be quite wealthy, and even if the job loss may have been recent, the jobs they were looking at seemed as if they couldn't quite pay for the commute from the colonies back to presumably England and the luxurious summer house, as well as supporting their fairly large family. Just something to consider as you write future chapters.

Overall, I thought that the middle section was the best written and if you can channel that same movement and excitement throughout your story, you'll be pretty much set for the next chapters. It was the ending and intro where you struggled the most, but with a few changes to the pacing and tone of some things, as well as the info dumpings, you should be good to go. Good job, and keep writing! If you ever need anything, you know where to find me :)

Best wishes,
MJ




Amabilia says...


Thank you so much for your review!




The only way of knowing a person is to love them without hope.
— Walter Benjamin