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A Janitor's Adventure: 4.3

by DougalOfBiscuits


“You’re quite the dancer, you filthy Scentian,” the Endoleon said. “Oh, wait.”

The pressure removed itself from Janny’s mouth and something small and grey scurried toward the Endoleon. The cuffs came off as well, dropping to the ground. Janny watched in horror as the Endoleon bent down and reached out the palms of her hands. For a moment the palms were all she had, until the four double-banded cuffs separated out into eight individual fingers and reattached themselves to her hand.

Janny had heard that Endoleons could do complex manual work with detached hands, but had no idea they had that much power.

“Ew,” he said. The Endoleon glared at him and produced a little black button from her pocket, then pressed it. A moment later he was winded by black cables flying from the walls on either side of him and wrapping around his abdomen. His arms were squeezed into his sides and he could barely stay balanced upright.

“Help!” Janny screamed, realising he probably ought to have started screaming as soon as the pressure was taken off his mouth - oh Gods, those must have been her thumbs!

The Endoleon raised an eyebrow. “Oh, come on. Don’t you hear the sound of the buzzagong? Everyone’s screaming to the beat out there. Nobody’s going to hear you.”

The Endoleon stepped towards him, revealing a small cart that she’d been standing in front of.

“Over here, if you please,” she said, gesturing towards the cart.

Janny tried to look back over his shoulder, but the binds around his arms and stomach tightened. When he looked back the Endoleon had the button held in one hand and was flexing the fingers on the other. Janny hung his head.

“Fine,” he whimpered.

He dragged his feet as he climbed up the little steps on the side of the cart and settled himself in the bucket seat on the passenger side. It didn’t quite fit Janny, with the lip at the digging into the underside of his thighs, she he shifted some mass around. He was so nervous his flesh bounced around with a loud squelching sound.

“Ew,” said the Endoleon, settling down on the driver seat.

“Uh-huh,” Janny muttered. He stared at his feet, tucked under the little dashboard with its steering wheel on one side and glove compartment on the other. As they whizzed away from the party, away from the buildings, Janny barely looked up. They could have been driving in a landing field full of tens of thousands of different spaceship designs and he wouldn’t have cared.

“What’s the matter, Scentian?” the Endoleon asked, bringing them to a stop beside a neat grassline at the edge of a tarmac strip.

Janny sighed. “I want to go home. Or at least back to the party.”

The Endoleon rolled her eyes. “Typical self-absorbed Scentian. Nothing in your life but parties and ruining the lives of others. “Come on, up you get.”

Janny dragged himself around and set his feet down on the ground. As he pushed himself up, his view tilted upwards and he saw the craft they had come to a stop beside. A silver disc propped up in the air by a small spherical cabin. It was a TIPO ship, like the one that had been chasing Ennet and Grescin.

The Endoleon was looking at him with her head tilted to the side.

“Oh,” Janny said, “I said that out loud, didn’t I?”

The Endoleon nodded slowly. “Come on, we’re going somewhere we can alert your SRA unit - Ennet and Grescin, apparently - so they can come trade for you.”

She started to cross the grass towards the cabin, which was parked in a perfectly shaped circular dip in the ground. It was only as she opened the convex circular door that its loud his jarred Janny out of his huff. He sprinted across the grass and looked up, holding her gaze.

Panting, he said, “What’s your name?”

The Endoleon looked down at him from her slightly higher footing of the top step. “Lestili… Why?”

Janny slowed his breathing and said, in careful Fladian, “Lestili, I am not a Scentian.”

Lestili stared at him for a long moment, then tilted her head back and snorted. “Whatever. Get on board or I’ll detach my hands again.”

She turned and jogged up the rest of the steps. Janny bounded up after her.

“I’m serious! I’m a janitor. My name is Rolgen Gomm - though most people call me Janny, because, you know, I’m a janitor. I am not involved in the Scentian Retaking Allegiance or whatever it’s called!” Janny gasped, and found himself panting again.

The door closed behind him and the ship started to rumble. Janny grasped a handle beside the door tight, squeezing it to stop himself from crying.

“Nice try,” Lestili said, darting around the cabin and flicking switches all over the place. “Then why were you looking out the back window of the craft when your two friends stunned the bottom left quadrant of my ship?”

Janny gestured wildly with his free hand. “They abducted me!”

Lestili stopped and stared at him, one hand on her hip. In the dim - slightly green - light of the ship Janny realised that she was wearing a brightly patterned floral shirt and a flowing white skirt. He’d probably brushed right past her in the dance floor and not realised she’d attached her hands to him.

“Seriously, mate, stop insulting my intelligence. Abduction is not the SRA’s style. They disrupt trade and hack currency transfers.”

Janny’s gut clenched as she turned back to her controls. Clearly she had not been on the dance floor during the news report. She pulled a final lever, and they took off.

“Wait!” Janny wailed, as they flew off into the night sky. “Don’t you know that SRA abduction is beginning to become a more documented phenomenoooooon!”


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274 Reviews


Points: 22619
Reviews: 274

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Sun Sep 22, 2019 11:00 pm
Dossereana wrote a review...



Hi @DougalOfBiscuits I am here to do another review on your great chapter here. first thing I am sorry this review took so long. Second so I have noticed that I have been a little hard on you for the last two reviews that I did, I just hope that the reviews have been helpful for you. Third lets jump right into this review.

I really liked this chapter, to be truth full there is really nothing that needs to be changed you did such a great job of it.

The pressure removed itself from Janny’s mouth and something small and grey scurried toward the Endoleon.

Oh creepy I really like it how your making everything so scary but at the same time truth full. Also just be for I got more into this review, I just want to say that I agree with everything that @mellifera said to you in there review. I think that the plot of this story is really moving, I am really in joying it so far. things are already so interesting for me right now.

For a moment the palms were all she had, until the four double-banded cuffs separated out into eight individual fingers and reattached themselves to her hand.

Now that is creepy, I am imagining this all in my head right now. all of the imagery is just swirling around in my head.

“Ew,” he said. The Endoleon glared at him and produced a little black button from her pocket, then pressed it.

To be truth full with you, I kind of said Ew as well when I was reading all this. Now I'm just thinking pure Janny this must be hard to watch. I really like how your bringing more and more stuff into the story I really find that this can get your readers interested.

So that is all that I can say, I hope you liked this review. I loved reading this chapter. So keep up the great work. Never stop writing, because you are really good at it.

I hope you have a great Day/Night

@Dossereana Out In The Sky Of Reviews




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263 Reviews


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Reviews: 263

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Sat Sep 21, 2019 10:06 pm
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mellifera wrote a review...



Hey Bisc!

(I am, thankfully, not on my phone this time haha)

"You're quite the dancer, you filthy Scentian,"


I'm not... sure if this is some kind of insult that's going over my head or not? Or if it's alluding to something that happened much earlier? But if it's not, was Janny dancing at some point that I missed? Or was the "Oh, wait" supposed to be like,,, oh wait you WEREN'T dancing?
I'M SURE THIS IS VERY EASY TO UNDERSTAND AND I'M JUST NOT DOING THAT

reached out the palms of her hands.


I would honestly just cut this down to "reached out with her hands", because reaching out the palms of her hands sounds... odd to me? I'm not sure why, but it doesn't process right when I read it.
oh wait you did that intentionally? she's detaching HER PALMS??? weird flex, but ok

A moment later he was winded by black cable


I don't think "winded" is the word you're looking for? It doesn't fit quite accurate into the sentence. Perhaps, "A moment later, he was bound by black cables[…]" ?

those must have been her thumbs!


):

It didn’t quite fit Janny, with the lip at the digging into the underside of his thighs, she he shifted some mass around.


I… have to admit that I don't understand this sentence at all. You lost me after "It didn't quite fit Janny"

He was so nervous his flesh bounced around with a loud squelching sound.


): x2

"Ew," said the Endoleon


oh, how the tables have turned.

They could have been driving in a landing field full of tens of thousands of different spaceship designs and he wouldn’t have cared.


This is more from ignorance than anything you did wrong. Is Janny really interested in spaceship designs, and that's why he would normally be distracted by them/cared about them?

“What’s the matter, Scentian?” the Endoleon asked,


you just,,, kidnapped him? were you expecting him to be jumping with joy??

“Typical self-absorbed Scentian. Nothing in your life but parties and ruining the lives of others. Come on, up you get.”


Don't think that this second quotation mark is meant to be there?

I’ll detach my hands again.”


I don't know WHY but this made me laugh so much. I adore this as a threat. "do what I say or I'll DETACH MY HANDS". it's like the upgraded version of "imma throw hands".


I think my biggest issue is that the kidnapping never feels that impactful? The stakes don't feel high, and it doesn't ever feel like Janny is being really threatened (except at the beginning, when you still have the surprise of someone kidnapping him present). I'm not sure what to suggest to change this either, however. I don't know if you wanted to avoid Lestili threatening him with harm or even death at all if he didn't cooperate, so I can't outright suggest that. I'll leave that with you though, hopefully it'll spark some idea to increase the stakes.


also:
she was wearing a brightly patterned floral shirt and a flowing white skirt.


I love her style.


I think that's all I have for you today! Another interesting chapter :D Has there been any showing of Janny's actual job as a janitor? Or has that only been revealed through spoken word so far? Either way, I love that you chose a janitor as your main character. That's really fascinating to see!

I hope you have an amazing day, and Happy RevMo!

Image






Hey, just remembered I hadn't replied to this. So, in terms of stakes, I kind of want Janny to feel defeated by this point? This is his second time being kidnapped in twenty-four hours and last time there was this whole thing where the kidnapper was really impatient about the fact they had a gun (like, oh for pity's sake, would you stop trying to disobey. i have a gun, idiot). So here I want it to be like, Janny knows that Lestili can detach her limbs and use those to move him around, and she also has these binds set up to stop him from moving otherwise. Most of Janny's character arc is about learning to take initiative and do things for himself, which he just finally managed to do by escaping from his previous kidnappers, so here I want it to be on the way down the trough of the narrative where he's feeling like it's more and more pointless to actually do anything. He might as well be passive and let life happen to him because there's nothing he can do.

All of this wasn't like you don't understand my character so your review is wrong, I just want to explain what I'm going for. Do you think there's anything here that doesn't fit this or anything that could be like emphasised or something?

Thanks for the review :D



mellifera says...


hmm, it's hard to say since I haven't read how his character has been developing beforehand.

it makes sense though, that he'd be more submissive. I think having him less... passive and more submissive might work,,, that's,, not really how to describe it. Rather, maybe having some kind of inclusion of his thoughts like "this is happening again oh my god" (not those words exactly lol but does that make sense? like, he's woeful/miserable over the fact that it's happening again to him, and this time he's like "why even bother trying to fight"). I guess I'd suggest including more of Janny's process/reaction, as a character, because right now it's kind of story driven, when I think this scene could definitely be more character focused??
gosh, I hope that makes sense :p

<3





ahhh yeah i get what you mean. essentially making it clear why he's not acting, by showing what's going on in his head. i'll definitely try and write some stuff for that in! thanks melli :D



mellifera says...


yeah! glad I could help!




Make sure you marry someone who laughs at the same things you do.
— Holden Caulfield