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A Janitor's Adventure: 4.2

by DougalOfBiscuits


The sounds of the party began to drift in through Janny’s second floor window. The sun had set as the Hub’s mechanical rotation took effect. Janny wasn’t sure why it had to rotate, but it was nice to have a day-night cycle again after so long in the darkness of the Endoleon ship. He was sat on the end of hsi springy white hotel bed and wondered what it would be like to go to sleep here tonight, so far away from anyone else he knew.

“Janny! Get down here!”

Janny poked his head out the window and saw Birt on the ground below, with his hand cupped around his mouth.

Janny grinned. “I’m on my way!”

He sprang up, giving himself a headrush. He’d found a few items in the wardrobe labelled ‘Captive Benefit’. He selected a neat olive short-sleeved button down, some loose fitting black trousers and a red and yellow hat. It was round and floppy, and as he looked at himself in the full-length mirror, he realised the red was exactly the same shade as his skin. It made it look like random swirls of yellow were balanced on top of a rather oddly shaped head. But his legs itched to get moving she he twisted it around, putting a large section of the yellow at the front, and headed downstairs.

A few doors opened and shut behind and in front of him on the way, and he nodded to his fellow hotel guests, realising after a while that he was smiling widely. Once he set eyes on Birt again he sprinted forward, waving rapidly. Birt grinned back and put a hand around his shoulder as he arrived.

“Welcome, Janny,” he said,pointing towards the centre of the plaza and slinging his arm around to encompass its entirety. “This is how we do it on the Official Flexies Branch of Hub Six!”

The water from the fountain was flashing all sorts of colours, but Janny couldn’t see any beams of light shining on it. The benches had been raised high in the air on long ladders and there were already a few Hub guests lounging around up there, viewing the ground below. And that ground was a dancefloor.

“Don’t worry - it’ll fill up,” Birt said. As of yet there were very few beings on the dancefloor. Some disco lights were coming from somewhere and the music, though Janny didn’t recognise the buzzing sound of the instrument being played, could only be described as ‘smooth’.

Fill up it did. After another hour or so, it was becoming difficult to walk. The high-pitched, excited voice of a DJ was booming down into the plaza from somewhere, but Janny couldn’t see the DJ anywhere. This DJ seemed to be encouraging jumping rather than walking.

As they jumped around, Birt introduced Janny to pretty much every being they found themselves facing - other Finsets, whose skin it turned out came in all sorts of colours and patterns, and some were incredibly tall. There were a few Daerians - mostly Fladians in similar clothes to the ones that had been left for Janny. There were also plenty of Endoleons, with the dull greys of their skin brightened up by flowing fluourescent clothes, and their eyesight carefully guarded by dark glasses, even though the sun had long since set.

“Ah, always good to go back to the classics!” the DJ shouted over the fadeout of a song that at least two thirds of the crowd had been singing along to. “That was for fans of Finset Party-bok! Now, I see some of you may need some time to recover from reliving your childhoods so we’re going to take a quick break. Grab a drink - here’s the news this hour.”

The bright dancing lights from the sky turned to a cool ice blue and stopped moving about. Janny jumped as a giant rectangular projection appeared above the fountain in the middle of the plaza. It featured a thin green being of Odela’s species sitting at a desk with a computer.

The being adjusted some black plastic on her knuckles, which Janny couldn’t fathom the purpose of, and said, “The recent spike in SRA abduction activity is beginning to become a more documented phenomenon. Negotiations are soon to take place for the fate of a Fladian named Horlen Doal. Elsewhere, a dozen as yet unnamed Fladians are believed to be on board a single Scentian drifter.” An image flashed of a large drifter ship - almost as big as trade ships - with little stick figures overlayed above and a label to indicate that they signified the numbers of Fladians estimated to be on board. “Still, the majority of Flexies are as yet unaware of this step up in operations. Please do warn any citizens you know or meet to be vigilant.”

Suddenly Janny felt as if his back was totally bare, and he remembered how far he was from the TS Daer-Ta and its crew. His eyes locked onto Birt, who had bounced to a stop several metres away, with closely packed layers of beings in between. Janny made to move towards him, but found his legs moving in the complete opposite direction. His breath caught and he glanced desperately around. He could just see the top of a thin orange head that might have been Birt’s, but really, he hardly knew the guy and the rows of beings were closing behind Janny as his legs took him through the crowd.

He tried to shout for help, locking eyes with as many strangers as he could, but his mouth wouldn’t open. There was some pressure holding his lips together but it didn’t stick out far enough from his face to see what it was. He got a few funny looks from the people who passed him, but nobody stopped to help. He just kept striding further, until he was right at the edge of the crowd.

At least he could see now. There were tight grey cuffs around his ankles, made of two bands stuck together of about an inch thickness each. He tried to put his hand up to whatever was on his mouth but couldn’t move his hands from his sides - there were cuffs around there too.

His legs seemed to be taking him back to the hotel, but at the last moment they veered to the right and took him down a narrow alley. His vision was for a moment completely useless as he was plunged into darkness after the blue glow of break time at a Flexian disco. But his eyes were Daerian, and quick to adjust. Besides, it wasn’t hard to recognise the wide grey form of an Endoleon.


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263 Reviews


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Sat Sep 21, 2019 12:53 am
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mellifera wrote a review...



Hey Bisc!

I'm doing this review on my phone, so I apologise if there's any typos or other hijinks.
(additional note: I was pulled away to go out for dinner in the middle of the review, so if my review lacks consistency, I apologise!)

The sounds of the party began to drift in through Janny’s second floor window. The sun had set as the Hub’s mechanical rotation took effect.


I would actually combine these to some degree? The first sentence feels kind of disconnected, or disembodied. It's not attached to anything, and while not inherently wrong, I think it'd prefer it if it was more like "The sounds of the party began to drift though Janny's second floor window as the sun had set. The Hub's mechanical rotation began to take effect."
Of course, if the mechanical rotation happens because the sun set, then it might be a little trickier. I admit I'm... not sure what you mean by "mechanical rotation", but that could just be me as someone who knows very little about mechanical stuff in general.

end of hsi springy white hotel bed


"His" :p

Janny poked his head out the window


Is his window open? from the last chapter, I had assumed it was closed. I was wondering after you mentioned the music, but you can hear music *through* windows so I wasn't sure. Maybe mention a breeze, or maybe that Janny watched the sun set out the open window?

But his legs itched to get moving she he twisted it


?

(this also strikes me as a little odd, because even if he's in a rush, to remove a hat is really easy? like, just toss it on the bed if you don't like it and be off)

pointing towards the centre of the plaza and slinging his arm around to encompass its entirety


slinging his arm around the plaza??

viewing the ground below


"the ground" kind of, sounds weird? Like, ah yes. Lovely ground. I know it's a dancefloor, but maybe something more like (if you want to lead into the dancing) "viewing the proceedings below. Those proceedings was a mass of bodies on a dancefloor" or something?

"Don’t worry - it’ll fill up,” Birt said. As of yet there were very few beings on the dancefloor.


I would switch these two around, or remove the second sentence? Otherwise it feels like you're trying to explain/justify the dialogue, which you shouldn't have to do (the dialogue should either tell the readers about how many people are there or explain it to Janny).


All the lights seem to be coming from the void? You describe lights, at least twice, as coming from unknown locations, which seems,, odd? It's not wrong of anything! I just found out strange (and a little repetitive) that he can't find any light source


This DJ seemed to be encouraging jumping rather than walking


haha this is a truly wonderful image

whose skin it turned out came in all sorts of colours and patterns


You don't need "it turned out"? This sentence flows much better if it was just "whose skin came in all colours and patterns". You don't have to dance around what you're trying to say! (I say this as someone who pads by saying "just a little", "slightly" "sort of/kind of")

The transition from Janny leaving the party to bring kidnapped (????) seemed a little rushed? I actually would have liked to seen some more of Janny's sudden anxiety, and the sensory input he receives. Is it too hot suddenly? Too loud? Too many people? I liked this inclusion (because crowds always feel stifling!! and it's a lot!!) though, and Janny's reaction to the announcement (it reads as though he's reacting to some kind of trauma he went through? Is that right? Either way, someone needs to hug him ): ).

You have lovely descriptions of the setting and the party, but I definitely would have liked to have other senses included? I don't know exactly what sensory input Janny receives (as a? nonhuman?), but whatever he does notice, I would have liked to know to better visual the situation!

otherwise, beautiful worldbuilding as before <3 I'm really curious about all this business with the disappearances and what happened to Janny! Maybe I'll try to come back and read (I can't make any promises though :( )

Anyway! Please let me know if you have any comments or questions about anything I said! :D

I hope you have a wonderful day, and Happy RevMo!




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Fri Sep 20, 2019 12:39 am
Dossereana wrote a review...



Hi @DougalOfBiscuits I am here to do a review, on this wonderful chapter. So I was looking at the description of this chapter, Janny goes for a disco, as I read that I was wondering oh what could this chapter be about this time. But anyway lets get right into this review.

okay so the end of the last chapter was great by the way. I just want to say that I am really in joying this story. and I like that I started reviewing it from the beginning it makes more sens to me. I noticed that this chapter was a little shorter then the others, wise that? I can guess that you struggled to do this chapter or was it just that you wanted it shorter. Anyways that's fine.

He was sat on the end of hsi springy white hotel bed and wondered what it would be like to go to sleep here tonight, so far away from anyone else he knew.


okay this line is find other then well I think you spelt hsi wrong

hsi<his
that is a very simple spelling era, second I am not sure about how you started this line of, I think I am going to put this in suggestions, and you already no that the stuff that I added or change well be in bold. I hope that the suggestion will be okay.

He sprang up, giving himself a headrush. He’d found a few items in the wardrobe labelled ‘Captive Benefit’.


Okay so this line is great just I have one thing with the word headrush.

headrush<head rush
see just a simple thing that everyone can do, hey I just want to say, that reading your on work in your head over and over again mite not really work because you just really no what your saying, reading it out loud really helps to find all the spelling errors and things like that. This is just a tip that I learnt from felistia, FlamingPhoenix, and it really helped me in the end. it mite not help completely but it does work better then reading it inside your head.

But his legs itched to get moving she he twisted it around, putting a large section of the yellow at the front, and headed downstairs.


Just a little thing I sure while reading this, she he, that bit did not make sens is it she or he, I am guessing that the she was not meant to be there. Other then that I really like the line here. I can see great images flying past my head all though this wonderful chapter. you make it so easy to follow.

Suggestions

He was sitting on the end of his springy white hotel bed and wondering what it would be like to go to sleep here tonight, so far away from anyone else he knew.


So that is all that I can say.If I was being mean, harsh, and not very nice, then I am really sorry pleas forgive me for it. Your a great writer let nobody take that away from you.

I hope you have a great Day/Night

@Dossereana Out In The Sky Of Reviews





Stupidity's the deliberate cultivation of ignorance.
— William Gaddis