Young Writers Society

Next on Storybook Station! Hai, I'm feeling like I don't touch base with you guys enough and I'm trying to balance that with catching up on reviews and storybook posts so I decided to dedicate the next 10 reviews to my crew. So here goes review number 3!

Specifics

1. I think 'flew' should be moved to the top line as it helps the flow and is a better line ending than 'and'. I also think a comma after flew would work nicely.

2. Waited would fit better on the line above as well.

3. I think the comma after us on line 3 feels out of place. It would sound better after 'life'.

4. I'm wondering who the speaker of the poem is. The line about fooling around with Tinkerbell suggests it's another lost boy?

Overall

So I'm a huge fan of Peter Pan and I like the theme here. I also like that you've changed things up a bit with the spaceship being used to fly to Neverland but I'm not sure who the 'we' are or who this speaker is hoping to find in Neverland. That's not a bad thing per se but I'm struggling a little to follow the story.

I also think you move from one image to the next very quickly - I'd have liked to understand why Captain Hook haunts this persona's memories. Is this someone returning to Neverland as an adult because they left someone there or are the memories of Captain Hook a reference to once this persona has left Neverland and the fact that it wasn't what they hoped it would be?

I like the mix of Neverland and real world imagery but I think this is too short to really convey anything solid and while I'm liking the emotional vibes and the slightly darkened atmosphere, I think a poem needs a certain amount of clarity so the reader can start to make their interpretations and string a story together.

I hope that helps a little. See you around!

~Heather

Heyo Steggo

All right so I totally dig some of the imagery that you're using here. You've got some really nice things going on that reel me into the world of the poem.

That being said, I think there's quite a bit of work that needs to be done on this poem before it's seaworthy.

The first thing I noticed about the poem other than the imagery is your line breaks. You really like to break lines after weak words. Enjambment is one thing, but breaking lines after weak words is another. What I mean when I say "weak words" is conjunctions and linking verbs. You break the line after "and" four times in this poem. That's about 30% of the lines in this piece. While sometimes breaking a line after "and" is effective, I don't think it's doing anything particularly positive in this piece. Try moving your "and's" to the beginning of the next line.

I also would like to suggest a little less enjambment in general in this piece, not only after weak words. I really like enjambment, but I feel like you use it just a bit too much in this piece. I suggest you use it more as a way to highlight the important parts than flavoring your entire poem with it.

For example, this section:

flew until morning where peter pan
waited. he promised us, a better life where
the old walls would crumbel and
we would be alright. captain hook still
haunts my memories.

and flew until morning
where peter pan waited. he promised us
a better life where the old walls would crumble
and we would be all right.
captain hook still haunts my memories

her "perfect looks" (stained red lipstick smeared

Hello,you have a good poem,but I think there are some things you need to know

...Your work needs space, poem should be in Stanzas, it look more like prose this way without it being in stanzas. Poems are written in stanzas. For example;

We took a spaceship and flew until morning where peter pan waited.
He promised us, a better life where the old walls would crumble and we would be alright.

Captain hook still haunts my memories, peeling grey paint stains our fingers as we scream in the night.
You were gone by sunrise with wendy and the boys while i fooled around with tinker bell and her "perfect looks" (stained red lipstick smeared across the mirror and black teardrops fall down her face).

Peter pan told me "just think happy thoughts and fly";
I found "happy thoughts" in all the cars that passed by my window as i flew to neverland in hopes to find you.

It makes it easier to read and understand

...,You poem lacks rhythm also. Rhythm is one of the most important things to note when writing a poem,it makes your work beautiful and appealing,especially when reading, I know this isn't like normal poem, but some rhythm would help

Its a great poem