Prince Adam held the sword aloft, and pointed its golden blade at the star-filled sky.
"By the power of Greyskull!" He roared
Suddenly, a blinding light shone from the hilt of the sword, illuminating the rocky landscape of Eternia's volcanic canyons. The very air began to bend around it and powerful gusts of wind began to blow. A swirling orb of light encapsulated the sword's holder. The magnificent blade was a perfect marraige of magic and science. His muscles began to tense and the vengeful lust he was feeling felt pushed to one side, now replaced by heightened awareness. The man who had been Prince Adam a split second ago, was now something else entirely. He had become more than a man, now a being of sentience and magic.
He had become He-Man.
He aimed his weapon at Cringer, and a brilliant bolt of blue lightning shot from the blade into him. Mighty sabre-teeth grew from his jaw, and he arched his back and let out a powerful growl.
The majestic figures of He-Man and Battlecat stood on the opening of the cave. It loomed before them, like the jaws of a terrifying monster, adorned with torches of black light. He-Man's vengeful side couldnt be discarded, and his anger and lust for revenge empowered him further He-Man held his blade ready, for it was likely Skeletor would have defended the entrance carefully, and entered the cave. Unexpectedly, there were no demons or elfin creatures awaiting slaughter at his hand, so he re-sheathed his sword and continued with Battlecat down the desolate pathway of the seemingly abandoned cave. He-Man needed to stop Skeletor from extracting the gem, otherwise the whole of Eternia would bow to his every whim. For the stone, crafted at the exact center of the universe, had the power to pierce any barrier and topple any obstruction. He-Man needed the stone's strongest power.
The power to raise the dead.
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Oooh, looks like we're getting started in the middle of a bit of a battle sequence there and this protagonist appears to be calling on some kind of superpower or perhaps magic here, it is hard to tell which of the two is going on, but I do love the description of this little transformation process that you've got right here, it manage to get your attention as a reader quite well and comes off looking fairly epic here.
Hmm, okay, so even though this isn't in the fanfiction category I get the feeling that maybe this is a fanfiction, cause I'm quite sure I've heard of these two characters before...it is a fun concept, but in that case I am wondering where this trying to go here, cause we have gotten through half of this story and so far its all been one long
epictransformation with not much else.OKay....well that sounds like a bit of a threat almost, I am seriously wondering if perhaps this person that we're introduced to here is the villain of the story judging by how things have been phrased in that last paragraph. It also looks like all of that transformation didn't really do all that much, this kind of launches into an explanation which all in all doesn't make for the greatest of first chapters here. I think this one needs a teensy bit of a rethink right here.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Hi there....
This is quiet accelerating. I'm so far liking every part of the soon to master piece. As the previous comment, my faviourate part is:
"Also, the power He-Man needed it for was also its strongest. It could raise the dead".
This line is too good.
Thanks and just keep writing!!!
SID
Freaking majestic!
Wow- you should write more my friend- you're damn good at it! Why didn't you tell us?
This is very descriptive- you've already shown us that your description is top notch in your "War" poem, and it seems to work just as well, if not better, in your prose.
I think these sentences could have been executed slightly better. Maybe "He-Man needed the swords strongest power. The power to raise the dead." Nothing wrong with the content of the sentence. Nothing at all- just sometimes you should play around with the order of words and such to make sure it reads well.
And also- short sentences should be used more. I'm not trying to be bitchy, but the long paragraphs are filled with a lot of sentences that are the same length- just chop them up a bit and it will seem more dramatic- it's kind of a writer's cheat for creating more dynamic scenes.
Overall, I really really really enjoyed this chapter! It was fantastically descriptive and a joy to read.
Peace out brother!
By the way, this is a 3-parter, maybe with an epilogue.
BY THE POWER OF GREYSKULL!
Hmm, what? Oh, that? Don't worry about that. Just me being stupid.
Your story is short. Short and sweet. I like that.
Howeverm like I've said to you on Steam, sentience is not the right word as all humans are already sentient. (Although I can't blame you for not knowing this with some of the people at our school ;P)
Also, you don't need to use Cringer twice in the same sentence. Just use him for the second one.
But enough of the miserly nit-picks. I think your style fits very well with this piece. I also liked the cliffhanger at the end. Why does He-Man, a hero, want to raise the dead?
The description of the cave works like a charm. You have a real knack for description, methinks. The stakes are also high. Skeletor could conquer the world with that stone. :3
Overall, I liked it. It looks like you did your research. A very nice piece.