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Young Writers Society



Widow

by Panikos


Evening is coming, drawing sweetness from the damp earth and the humid air, pooling gold along the lines of a lone, looming oak tree. The breeze brushes its hand over the grass, draws a lazy finger through Hester’s knotted hair.

“Ready?” she asks.

Häl squints against the dying light, at the burnt edges of Hester’s topknot, glowing red with the sun. His feet find surer footing. His arms hover at his sides.

“Ready,” he says.

“We’ll count together,” she says. “On three.”

“One.” Their voices layer together.

“Two.” Hester shifts her weight back, barely.

“Three-”

Häl’s hand closes around the wand, but she moves like a mayfly, skittering to one side in a flash of plum and swinging hair. A barrier ribbons from her wand: swathes of liquid amber swirl, pour, and cocoon around her. When Häl swings – one shockwave, two, hot and crackling – they shatter into sparks against the shield. The second is enough to burn through, but she conjures another swathe, and another, and another.

The grass scrapes against his legs as he moves, but she barely seems to stir the air. He’s onto fireballs now, bullet-sized volleys which fill the space between them with smoke trails. They glance against her rippling shields, mostly, but some dash her robes – one draws a blackened streak across her cheek, and her gasp is part-shock, part-laughter.

She’s not attacking, Häl realises, just dancing – a sequence of ducks and dodges and shutter-flash barriers, which smoulder under one or two blows. Twice Häl’s footing catches on the grass, making him stagger, and she whips her wand as if to attack, but nothing comes.

Then a mirror shield, like liquid glass pooling in the air – Hal’s shockwave is already rolling, already there, already rebounding, and it’s all he can do to dive to the ground. The heat tumbles through the space above him like warm breath, and through the shimmering air he sees Hester’s wand flicking uprightdownleftright, but there’s nothing else there, nothing to see.

He’s up again, but fatigue is settling in. He lurches for her, lashing whips of light, but his arms have lost their fluidity and his feet aren’t lifting as they should. At every slip and falter, she flicks her wand in that illegible way, like she’s conducting an orchestra he can’t hear.

The realisation comes when he looses a light arc, and his arm sticks halfway through the movement. The arc dashes her leg, kicking the foundations out from under her, but he’s still stuck, still can’t move. He wrenches his arm, but the movement jerks his leg up and sends him sprawling.

He’s bound. Something’s bound him.

Hester’s unsteady feet fill his vision. With one foot, she rolls him over, pressing her sole to his chest. The tip of her wand blurs between his eyes.

“Do you yield, my dear?” she says. He can hear the smile rather than see it.

He stares up at her. “Don’t have much choice, do I?”

She cups her ear with one hand. He rolls his eyes.

“I yield, alright?”

A satisfied sigh. “The three words a woman truly wants to hear.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Häl grumbles. “What’s the secret, then?”

She lifts her foot, and the toe of her boots catches on something invisible, pulling his arms up with it. From this angle, in the glare of the sun, he finally sees it – glimmering threads, thinner than hair, lashed around his wrists and arms and legs and ankles. A web of hundreds, sticky and tangled, but so light that he can barely feel them.

He clicks his tongue. “So that’s why they call you the Widow.”

She grins, then untangles her foot and takes a step back.

“I just figure,” she says, flicking soot off her sleeves, “That there’s no need to knock a man down when you can tie a few threads to him and let him do it himself.”

“Yeah, well,” Häl mutters. “Get the damn things off me, will you?”

A wave of her wand and the threads melt away. In the absence of them, his body unravels like a broken puppet, and he can hardly believe he didn’t notice them sooner.

“Did I impress you?” she asks, when he’s back on his feet. The duel has shuddered her hair partway free of her topknot, and the light makes shadows in the hollows of her face.

“You might’ve done.”

Her lips quirk. She walks on ahead, back towards the estate, the pleats of her coat trailing through the grass.  


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144 Reviews


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Thu Feb 23, 2017 8:15 pm
GoldenQuill wrote a review...



Hey, DarkPandemonium! Quill here, for a review!
Crimson below actually linked me to this, telling me how much he enjoyed it. Since his review is the only one you have, I thought I'd give a review, too! Since I'm a bit nitpicky, let's dive right now.

“Three-”

This may look better as, "Three -- " or "Three --"

They glance against her rippling shields, mostly, but some dash her robes

I don't know, 'glance' seems weird here. Feel free to ignore that note, but it was just something I had to do a double-take at.

Hal’s shockwave is already rolling

You forgot the umlaut here!

At every slip and falter, she flicks her wand in that illegible way,

Illegible usually just means one can't read it. I understand the symbolism you're going for -- truly, I do, I do this stuff all the time -- but I thought maybe I should comment on it. Try something that, perhaps, means 'unclear' or 'difficult to understand'?

when he looses a light arc

Loses, not looses.

Hester’s unsteady feet fill his vision.

You mentioned she was dancing, before, right? (I know what you meant, but it's still that imagery.) Not sure if 'unsteady', then, is the correct word to use. She may be light-footed, or swaying a bit, but I'm not sure she's actually unsteady on her feet. Unless she is, because the ground was just taken from under her? Either way, try to make it a bit clearer. As it is, it reads a bit random and strangely.

flicking soot off her sleeves, “That there’s no need to knock a

Lowercase 't' in 'that'.

Overall
Wow, buddy. Wow. This was grand. I really, really enjoyed this. The imagery, the words you used -- reminiscent of the way I like to write, too -- it's just all splendid! This was such a pleasure to read, and reminds me why I like reviewing so much. This is definitely a piece of work I'd share with everyone. I feel like I just watched this entire play happening. I feel like I watched this in an anime. I can even hear the character's voices, clearly, in my head. Great job.

Always keep writing.




Panikos says...


Thank you very much! 'To loose' is actually a verb that means to release something. And Hester's feet were unsteady due to her having been hit in one leg, but I will try to make that clearer. Thank you for all of the other pointers. I'm glad you enjoyed it! :D



GoldenQuill says...


OH OH, YOU MEANT LOOSE, LIKE, HE LOOSENED IT. OOOOOH! That was a complete misreading on my part, my bad. Probably the same with the 'unsteady' one. Thank you for the reply, and I hope all goes well for you!



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Thu Feb 23, 2017 7:22 pm
CrimsonQuill wrote a review...



Hey there, DarkPandemonium! Crimson here, for a review!

I'd like to start by saying that this is the first time in a long time that I've seen such an interesting magical battle. It really does portray how a lot of people should be choreographing their fight scenes when magic is involved. There's a good sense of tempo and action, and it hints at a very thorough understanding of where the characters are and what they're doing as the fight progresses. Mostly because it's so well done, I think, my few criticisms will be fairly nitpicky -- sorry!

That being said, I think you could make that side of things a little more detailed, with some better reference points. At the opening you mention that there is a lone tree not too far from them, but you don't really mention how far from it they are. Are they fighting around it, under its canopy, or in open space? Häl is very quickly trussed up -- good job there, Hester -- but until that point it seems like he's mostly standing still.

Most trees won't really have a ton of grass growing beneath them, mostly because of their shade, and also fallen leaves and branches often cover smaller plants quickly, leaving them no avenue for obtaining much sunlight. Grass can get fairly long, but it seems reasonably likely that this is not really an isolated event. They're not trying to kill each other, after all, and it seems more like a sparring match. Given that, I'd generally expect there to be a fairly well-established spot for sparring, likely with some trampled dirt or (given Häl's proclivity for pyrotechnics) charred areas. Be that as it may, the environment remains up to you, of course. It's mostly a matter of looking at how the state of the area can imply different things about how it's been used in the past as well.

Also, I'd like to point out how amusing it is that Häl willingly fights while staring at the setting sun. No mage or fighter of any sort would want to be in a situation like that. It really screws with your ability to react to anything that's going on.

I really get the sense that Häl is very inexperienced, and that's actually often difficult to portray. He's got some skills, but no combat experience, and you showed that brilliantly.

Overall, it was fun as all hell to read, and I'd love to see a scene like this in a book someday! Keep at it!

Cheers,

Crimson.




Panikos says...


Thank you very much! This is really useful. :D




There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy.
— William Shakespeare