z

Young Writers Society


16+ Language

Since Infinity Chapter 1

by Daenyss


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.

“Lauren, honey, breathe,” my best friend Milana laughed as I paused mid-rant. “You realize that it’s one note out of hundreds? Just change it.”

I smiled, taking another bite of my dinner as my housemate flipped her hair, knowing she was right. “I’m amazing, just admit it.”

“You are. No competition. I’m just stressed because I haven’t released anything since I vanished, and it’s so different from what anyone’s ever heard from me,” I sighed, resting my fork against my bowl.

“You’re a different person. You’ve taken a year and a half to yourself, you’ve traveled the world, you’ve grown up. If you were still producing the same music, I’d be worried.”

I nodded and stood, taking my bowl over to the sink. “I’m gonna go on up to the music room and see if I can’t get this note progression fixed. I’ll see you tonight for Got Talent. Maybe,” jogging up to the room filled with a multitude of instruments and sitting down at my piano.

Every note, every progression, every breath, every everything had to be perfect. Completely, totally perfect. If not, I stood to lose everything.

It had been two years since anyone had seen or heard from me, well, at least from my the girl they thought they was me. I had disappeared in the middle of the night without a trace, leaving all of my possessions behind except for a few clothes.

A year and a half later, and at nineteen and a half years old, I had finally moved into a house that I had built in the gorgeous location of the Norwegian mountains. My music room had floor to ceiling windows facing the forest that surrounded my house, and it was several miles off of any paved road. Ana and I were completely secluded from people and surrounded by nature, and both of us loved it.

Pulling on the natural vibes that surrounded me, I had begun to craft the tracks to my album, which was influenced by all the people that I had met and all the cultures I had experienced during my year of traveling before settling here six months ago.

The track that I currently found myself occupied with was one of my ballads, Mercí. It was the most personal song on the album by far, and it was a celebration of the people all around the world that had helped me to grow. Switching between several languages, it was a true thank you.

I was having trouble with the note progression in between the Brazilian Portuguese verse and the Italian chorus, and so I quickly started playing around with notes on my piano. I had hundreds of progressions that I had tried, and I was about to just scrap the transition altogether. However, I was not built to give up, and so night after night I persevered in trying to find the magic notes.

An hour and a half later, I was confident in one progression and I was working it into the track. Just then, my phone rang, and I picked it up without looking at the caller.

“Is this Lauren Smith?” a male voice asked, and I smiled.

“It’s me, how can I help you?”

“It’s John. You know, your manager?”

I laughed softly. “I know. I’m glad you got my email with my new number, I was worried it went to your junk folder.”

“You disappeared! For over a year! You didn’t even leave Asher anything! And now you say you have a new album put together. Excuse me for being shocked and needing a day or two before you called.”

“You’re okay. And I do have a new album, I’ve just finished the last track I was working on. Maybe we can get it released before Grammy nominations.”

The man laughed, deep from his gut. “I see you’re still the same girl I knew, no matter what happened over the last year or so. Still hungry for that glory.”

I smiled as I shook my head. “On the contrary, this isn’t glory for myself. It’s for all the people that have helped me to grow so much in these past months. Also, I wanted to talk to you about something.”

“If you say so, kiddo. I’m listening.”

“I want to record a duet single. Release it after the album, make it a big statement that I’d do a standalone so soon after an album with no plans to release a second album in succession. Show people that I’ve changed and that I play by my own rules now,” I said, laying out over the floor and looking up at the ceiling that held hangings for so many sound tiles.

His smirk was practically audible over the phone. “That sounds great to me. Which artists were you thinking of featuring?”

I bit my lip. “Cullen.”

“As in…?” his voice trailed off, leaving his surprise ringing in the air.

“The one and only,” I replied, slight waves still shaking my voice.

“Send me the music and I’ll get it to him, along with a couple others with similar voices, and we’ll have demos for you in the next week or two.”

“I wrote the song for his voice specifically. I don’t need demos, I need him.”

“You’re sure he’s right for it?”

“Positive.”

“What am I supposed to tell him?”

“A European artist wants to feature him on a track, he’ll be paid handsomely, and that all living necessities will be taken care of, plus the track is likely to be a chart-topper and will possibly go platinum or higher.”

“Any conditions?” my manager asked, knowing that there had to be some sort of catch. There always was with me.

“I need him in the next week, and he has to leave his phone behind,” I replied, sitting up and shaking out my golden blonde mane, still recovering from the two years of constantly being dyed dark brown.

My manager’s lip bite was, this time, audible as he hesitated. “He won’t want to leave his phone behind.”

“He doesn’t have a choice. A platinum track, all expenses paid living for the next month or so, handsome pay, and the secret promise of an old friend in exchange for no phone for a while? He’d be an idiot not to take that deal,” I replied, sitting my phone on the floor and beginning to braid my hair.

“I’ll see what I can do, but I make no promises.”

I smiled, standing and beginning to make my way to the stairs. “Work your magic, old friend,” I stated trustingly and slightly comfortingly.

“You know I’ll do my best,” was his response.

“You always do,” I assured him, before pressing the end call button and joining my best friend on the couch to watch the show that had become our favorite in this country where both of us were aliens.


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Points: 19
Reviews: 4

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Tue Mar 27, 2018 2:04 am
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AsterChai wrote a review...



Long story short, pun completely intended, it was pretty damn good.

I like the setting and main character so far, Lauren seems super interesting. I enjoy her overwhelming confidence and go-getter attitude. It's not every day you see such a confident person as a main character. Plus she seems stubborn as well which makes sense for a confident person. Music is a unique thing to have in your story, I don't think I've read a book that features music especially as a seemingly bigger plot point. I like the manager, he and Lauren have a good professional relationship, they seem to know how each other works which is great. I am interested to see more of this Cullen person, I am excited to find out why he was chosen by our main character, and why she was so adamant on it being him. All in all, this story hooks me in fairly well and definitely makes me want to read more.

My one critique would be, I'd say it maybe goes a bit too fast. I had a few times where I lost what was going on and had to go back and reread some lines since it went from thing to thing quickly. Maybe putting more in between would help with that. However, that could just be me. I am bad at critiquing though so I might be way wrong.

All in all it's pretty great, I enjoyed it a lot and I am definitely reading the next chapter.




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62 Reviews


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Reviews: 62

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Sun Mar 25, 2018 6:03 am
AliceinBluue wrote a review...



Hey hey hey! Alice here for a quick little review!

First up, what I liked about your story!

well, you certainly know how to engage a reader's interest quickly! I thought it was interesting how Lauren had essentially dropped off the grid completely even though she was slightly well-known, and I'm interested to find out how things work out for her. I like the fact that Lauren is so confidant in her work. She know's what sounds good when she plays it and she know what she wants. It feels like, even though she knows that it's going to be difficult to get back into the business, there is nothing that is going to stand in her way, this is her wall, she just has to figure out how to get over, under, or around it. I can't wait to find out more about her and how she operates! The conditions she had for Cullen coming to work with her were interesting and definitely piqued my interests, obviously the two know each other, but their relationship is mostly shrouded from us and the fact that he is not allowed to bring his phone clearly means that Lauren is trying to hide something or from someone and I simply cannot wait to see how it plays out!

Next up, my critiques!

Okay, so you start of your story with one of your characters, telling your main character to breath. To me, this signifies that the person being told to breath, is not doing that. They can be panicking or gushing about something or even eating too fast, what ever floats your boat, but the important part is that they are not remembering to breath, which is why they are being reminded. However, Lauren only seems to be having a meal with her friends, now granted, she may have been panicking earlier and we just weren't privy to it, but maybe talk a little bit about how Lauren comes down from such an emotional high that she has to be reminded to breath. Sorry if it seems a little nit-picky, but it honestly through me for a loop the first time I read it and I had to go back and reread the intro a few times to make sure I hadn't missed anything.

That about wraps it up for me! Overall, I think you had a great start to your story and I will definitely be checking out the next few parts of your story as well! Keep up the great work!
-Alice




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15 Reviews


Points: 46
Reviews: 15

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Sat Mar 17, 2018 6:45 pm
Baezel wrote a review...



Hey, this is curious. In the true nature of first chapters, you've left us with a lot of questions- something to make us want to keep reading. I think you treated "Cullen" nicely, as there was clearly something there, and you presented it in away that made me curious. That was probably my favourite part of it, although I do have one critique- Cullen tends to be associated with a, uhm, certain glitter boy. But that's nothing serious.

I'm not sure how helpful my biggest critique will be, which is, I think for a first person perspective, your character's voice is quite tangled with your own. There's a lot of what my smart friends would call "exposition", where something is revealed in a story which maybe wouldn't occur naturally in real life, but is included in the story so the reader can understand the plot, e.g. your "I’ll see you tonight for Got Talent", as in reality Ana knows what's happening tonight, and Lauren wouldn't really name it. It's not a bad thing, and is often unavoidable, but you have to be careful when the information simply isn't necessary. I think in some places here, it distracts from your character's voice: "shaking out my golden blonde mane" isn't something you'd think in reality, and isn't going to be the phrasing which goes through Lauren's head. Don't be afraid to break it up into sentences, describe her actions. "I winced. My hair was all dry and limp, with the damage I'd been doing to it with the dye" if that's her personality. (admittedly that's very influenced by my own style, but you get the idea). And if all that thought and description would distract from the dialogue, then put it somewhere else- if it's necessary at all.
Include information as it becomes important. Did she build that house? Then Damn, that's really impressive. But if you included it when she was feeling lost, when the house was the only thing she felt attached to? Or when she was proving how hard working she was, arguing with someone? Or as comedy: "Where have you been? What have you been doing?" "Oh, well I spent most of it building this house" "What" "What".
You get the picture?

My final thought is, and this is a guess, but have you been taught not to use the word "said"? Were you warned "said is dead?", that it was the worst thing you could do? If I'm right, then go punch your teacher. Said, I've found, is gift, a perfect little unnoticeable word you just read over. It doesn't distract from the dialogue, or surroundings, and finishes the speech nicely and quietly.
I think you're like me, in that you focus a lot on dialogue. I always found it difficult describing actions, what my character was doing in between speaking. Fight scenes are beyond me. If you are the same, I'll tell you: I improved by reading writing articles on dialogue, covering the rules (punctuation, things like that), then improved my style by concentrating on how my favourite authors did it, how did they tell a story. It's still a work in progress, but I can notice an improvement in my own stuff.




Daenyss says...


Thanks for reviewing! I definitely see where you're coming from with this, and I think the majority of my problems would be solved by having a good editor - something I'm looking for. Also, I started this project several months ago, and over those few months I've really honed in on my craft and I think that as it progresses you'll see progression in my writing. At least I hope so. I'll definitely keep your advice in mind though!




If writers wrote as carelessly as some people talk, then adhasdh asdglaseuyt[bn[ pasdlgkhasdfasdf.
— Lemony Snicket