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Leave But Never Return part 2

by Cybers

Alex made it to the other side!!! It was better than he imagined. If you could see it you would faint. Thats excatcily what Alex did. 

He woke up in an amazing place. It was a home but better. There were robots running here and there. There was a small group of girls getting pettigures and a group of boys giving the girls pettigures. So weired, Alex thought. "Hello?" Alex said nervously. The girls swung there heads at him. "Wow, I call him." "No i call him." They started fighting about him. Finally what looked like a mom walked in. "Hello young child. I understand you went through time? Its tiring. I might have to ketch you up. We all turned to be feminest, and so know boys are our servants. But we will give you some time to settle in before giving you to much work. Now run along up stairs and you will be Mariets personal servant. She is the only girl who dose not have one. Although she normally spends her days with a servant geting a massage or rub. Ok you may go." the lady said. This was all very confussing for Alex but he dicided  to go along with it. He walked through a door and a beutiful 14 year old was sitting putting on makeup. "Finally my own servant. Ok some rules before my foot massage. No talking before spoken to. You will give me a foot massage 3 times a day, and rub my feet till i fall asleep at night. Understood?" said the girl. "Yes." Alex replied. "Tut tut. You spoke that will be an extra ten minutes on my two hour foot massage. Get going then." So with that, Alex sat down took her feet in his hands, took of the shoes and started massaging. After the requiered time he stoped. "Ok its time to sleep so im going to crawl into bed and once this light turns of stop rubing ok?." So he did  it took a while for her to fall asleep but she did. And with that, he opened the window and jumped out. "Hey what are you doing?" busted. It was Marieta.

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380 Reviews

Points: 17473
Reviews: 380

Tue Aug 20, 2019 6:17 pm
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Dreamy wrote a review...

Hey there! I thought I'll leave a quick review before moving on to part three.

I read part one and I must say that I was really excited to see a time travel story. I was worried about Will though, he seemed so excited to time travel that he didn't even realise that he might miss his brother and his dad, and then I saw the genre: Humour! Of course, he didn't care about not coming back to his family! lol.

And I agree with Dottie. There were some typos that made it hard to read through. But since the premise of the story was so funny that I was able to ignore them for time being. Also, as of now, this does read like a rough idea/first draft so it's all okay, I guess. But if you're going to make a novel out of this idea, I'd suggest you to proof read before posting here so the readers would comment on the story than nitpick. These nitpicks are avoidable as well if you proof-read them that is.

For example:

"Ok its time to sleep so im going to crawl into bed and once this light turns of stop rubing ok?." So he did it took a while for her to fall asleep but she did. And with that, he opened the window and jumped out. "Hey what are you doing?" busted. It was Marieta.

"Ok," said Marieta, "It's time to sleep so I'm going to crawl onto the bed and once this light turns off stop rubbing, ok?" So he did and it took a while for her to fall asleep but she eventually did. And as soon as she fell asleep, he opened the window and jumped out. "Hey, what are you doing?" bursted Marieta behind him.

Or something like that, I also noticed that you've not really elaborated on the atmosphere of the scene. Like, where the girls were sitting, how the whether was and how different the future is from the present (The feminist joke was a nice touch, haha) and all.

Otherwise, good job! Keep up the good work!

Keep writing!

Cheers! :D

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288 Reviews

Points: 18494
Reviews: 288

Wed Aug 14, 2019 1:37 am
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Dossereana wrote a review...

Hi @Cyber_Cs I am here to do a quick review on your work here. so I have not read part 1. But I think I will be able to follow it though. So lets get right into it shell we.

Wow so I really liked the start of this chapter I think its pretty good. The hole thing with Alex fainting was kind of funny. I do like the description is really good. I think you have done a good job but it does need some work. One thing so far though I do agree with @DottieSnark about there not being paragraphs, is some places that should have paragraphs. For example ever time a Character speaks then that should be a new Paragraph. Second thing I feel like the chapters could be a lot longer then it is as well like twice the sighs. I also feel like there is not to much description, but when you do describe things its quit good. I also think that you should mention the girls name when they first meat Alex.

"Ok its time to sleep so im going to crawl into bed and once this light turns of stop rubing ok?."
Okay a spelling mistake, and also you cannot have a question mark with a fool stop at the same time.
im> I'm

So that is all that I can say. If I was being to harsh then I am really sorry pleas forgive me. So keep on writing, because the more you write and read the more you will improve.

So I Hope You Have A Great Day/Night

@Dosserena Out In The Sky Of Reviews

Cybers says...

Thx really much its good to know people like my work

Dossereana says...

Your welcome I am happy to help.

Dossereana says...


Cybers says...

Read part 3

Dossereana says...

I will.

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25 Reviews

Points: 94
Reviews: 25

Tue Aug 06, 2019 4:29 pm
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DottieSnark wrote a review...

I'm glad you're continuing this story. There are a lot of tiny errors that I think coud easily be picked up with a more careful read through by using spell check on a word processor like Microsoft Word or Google Docs.

Some spelling mistakes I caught was pettigures instead of pedicures, ketch instead of catch, feminest instead of feminist, confussing instead of confusing, and dicided instead of decided.

There are also some other simple, common mistakes, like forgetting to capitalize the word "I", leaving out apotrphies for the word "I'm" and using the wrong form of it's (you wrote "Ok its time for sleep" when it should be "Okay, it's time for sleep" because of form of ideas you used is a contraction, not the possessive form.)

Then there are some small punctuation mistakes, like the time you added a period after a question mark. By the way, if you want to find these easily in your own document just the press control and F at the same time and type in the mispelled word so you can find them in the document.

This chapter is still just a wall of text without paragraphs, like the last chapter. I really do suggest fixing your formatting. It makes it so much easier to read, and then more people will want to read your story. As I said before: each new line of dialogue should start its own paragraph.

Also: did you change the main character's name from Wally to Alex? I just want to make sure you did this on purpose and hadn't forgotten your character's main name. A quick and easy way to change all the names of the document is to use that control and F buttons again, but this time it has to be on a word processor, and then switch to the advance find window. Then type in the name you want to find and the name you want to replace it with in the two entry boxes.

You've got a great idea here, but concentrating on the spelling, grammar, and punctuation (SPaG) and formatting will really make it shine.

Cybers says...


Some call me a legacy, others call me a hero. But I assure you, dear admirers, I am only human.
— Persistence