Young Writers Society

Hey Hayden,

This is an interesting poem, mostly because I don't know who the narrator is even at the ending. You might be alluding to it somewhere and I'm just missing it? I'm not sure how that's working at all. You might be referring to God or something similar, but I think if you were then it's an awkwardly done allusion and you might want to consider how to fully realise your image and explain it to your audience. I do believe that you have to assume your reader will understand some of what you're saying. That they will understand Nazi Germany, Hitler, the religious references you make, are all fairly given. Less so for the religious allusions because not everyone will know them. In that way I wonder if the suggestion of the narrator being anyone but (I suppose) an innocent German worker will be difficult to convey.

On the poem itself, you have a serious problem with rhythm. Your stanzas are halted and awkward to speak out loud, often ending shortly on lines which should be sliding into the next line. Some of this is directly proportional to the telling aspect of the poem, some more imagery and description would aid this poem greatly. We need to feel for your narrator and that's not happening at all because we can't get inside his head. Things are happening, or we're being told they are happening, and that it is important and that finally it is resolved, but there is not emotion in it at all. It's like reading text off a blank stone, we need to see it etched into the thick rock before we can really feel for it. I'm not sure if that analogy makes sense or not, but it does to me. xD Isn't that just the way?

You would benefit from reading this poem out loud and marking where the most awkward passages are, they'll be what you should consider first. Making sure your poem has a good natural rhythm is part of how your poem will subconsciously ingratiate itself in your reader. We like reading/hearing things which sound pleasant, and rhythm's where that comes from. Then I'd consider closely what you're trying to say and why. Then look at the how, I'm finding your purpose a little difficult to discern because I can't work out your narrator, that might be something you'd consider.

I'd like to see if you do anything with this. Hit me up with any questions or queries.
-Penguin.

This is a really good poem. I enjoyed it very much. Now, I'm not a poetry expert, nor have I been on this site very long, but it seems as if your a pro when it comes to poetry. Some parts didn't make a lot of sense to me but that is simply because I'm young and will grow wiser with age. So anyway I think this poem was very good. (also pardon me if this is a bad review but it's my first).