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The Talker 1 Chapter 1

by ChrisDixon


The Talkers 1

Written by Seojin lee

Chapter 1 The memory

‘Good morning Brightlight. Today is your first day for school? Oh, yes!? Right ? Why aren’t you exited? Oh, it will be fine. You’ll have many friends.’ It was what Brightlight's mom told Brightlight when it was the first day of first grade. Oh, how can I not have friends and enjoy my new home? Am I strange or just.....? Brightlight was thinking so hard that he didn't hear the footsteps coming nearer to his big and cold room. “Hi. You um...” spoke a kind and thin voice. Than the another voice spoke but strong and very thick. It was hard know what the voice meant. But soon Brightlight had made it out. It said “Fallow the shining light when the time is frozen. When you are enough to stand in disaster and to fallow the shining light, the light will come to get you. You are to believe the truth. Don't try to do what others do but do your best and your own way.” The voice disappeared and the memory slow moved through cells and unbelievably it was coming. The memory! The memory was coming back. The memory was coming back to where it used to be and where the life was calm and peaceful.

How warm is mother hands thought the little boy laying in his mother arms. The boy was happy with his futures and his pasts. He seems to don’t know what will happen in his future. Brightlight know could see the baby was him. The baby has the same light gray hair and beautiful

greenish mint eyes just like him. Oh! And his parents! He never had remembered his parent but know he knew it was his parents just like it was magic or like he knew how to cry when he was born. Even if the heaven gates are open free to come in he would say ‘No, I want to stay here on earth no matter what. I want to live till its end and I want to know more about my parents and why did I have greenish mint eyes and more.’ He felt like he was going to fly out the galaxy, he felt brave like he had his parents and the special huskies they had before.

Oh, I was being chased by the bulls. OH! Where do these endless chases in my life end? How would my life would be if there was my parent? He thought “I… if there was m..my parents. Um… Uh..” it was harder than he ever thought. It was amazing that he spoke, especially to the school kids. If he could make a list what he wanted to try to do it was the last thing he would do. He felt his cheeks burning hot and that he was trembling like he saw a ghost in his way. It was like being in magma. “You guys want me to tell your parents? Or our teacher? Uh?” Edan said with want-me-to-tell face. Edan was the only person who always chose to be his partner and always cared him. The bullies ran like a jet, out of the blocked road and to the open one. 


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Sun Feb 02, 2020 10:58 pm
2Stareyes says...



Cool. I got confused about their names, what are they? Fairys humans? Good plot line so far. Would like to know more about the characters. Hope you write more of the story.




ChrisDixon says...


Thank you for he review. I'll try writing more. I don't know if I could remember anything about writing this story



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Thu Jan 23, 2020 3:24 pm
niteowl wrote a review...



Hi there Chris Dixon! Niteowl here to review.

One quick think I want to get out of the way...if that's your real name at the top, I'd remove it for Internet safety reasons. More info here: Internet Safety.

Okay, now on to the story. Honestly, if you really wrote this in second grade, I'm not sure revising it is the best option, but since you posted it, I'll give my thoughts.

There is a somewhat interesting premise here. It seems like the main character can somehow see memories from the past that he would have no way of remembering, like his own birth. There also seems to be a prophecy in the beginning, which could lead him to some interesting things. It then seems like he has to go to school and be an ordinary kid but is struggling because of his powers and bullies.

That said, there are a lot of confusing points for me. For one thing, this opens with Brightlight's mother waking him for school, but then later it says he never knew his parents, and then it also says he remembers having parents and dogs, all of which contradict each other. I would be consistent when it comes to things like if his parents are alive or dead and how he feels about them.

I'd also try to make a more cohesive scene. Right now we have glimpses of what could be an interesting story-a prophecy, visions from the past, and school conflicts-but everything is touched on so briefly that it's hard to follow. It seems like the events are as follows

-Brightlight has a prophetic dream, the significance of which is currently unclear but could make more sense as the story progresses
-He is then woken up to go to school (by his mother, but it could be someone else who raised him if his parents are indeed dead)
-He is trying to get ready for the day, but is distracted by a powerful vision of his own birth
-He then has to go school, where he struggles with bullies and relating to other kids, but he does have a friend Edan

Each one of these bullet points could be several paragraphs. You could add more description of places like his home and school and what he sees in the dream and memory. You can add more transition like having him struggle to wake up after the dream, getting ready, getting to school, running into the bullies and explaining why they're chasing him, and finding his friend. Even when some weird/fantastical things happen like the dream and the vision, it helps if the reader has a sense of when, where, and why things are happening the way they are.

Overall, you have some stuff here that could make a compelling story, but making it easier to follow and more consistent would help the reader see the potential. Keep writing! :D




ChrisDixon says...


First of all. No, it is not my real name. And thank you for reviewing. I just didn't know what I should fix or what I should write next. When I found The talkers I didn't even know it was my work. Thank you! >~<



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Thu Jan 23, 2020 10:09 am
HGsomeone says...



Oh dear

I accidentally posted that 3 times

I am so sorry




ChrisDixon says...


Its okay.
Uh.....I am not trying make you feel sorry again, but you posted it 4 times



HGsomeone says...


It%u2019s all good.
I posted the review and the server just went really weird and when it finally got back to normal I saw what had happened and thought I should just explain.
On the upside it now looks like your work has tons of comments%uD83D%uDE01



ChrisDixon says...


H.G this is not about your comments but its about your work. I love you works you've posted and I think is was extraordinary writing. Thank you for explaining and reading my work.



HGsomeone says...


Ah hello,
I just found this now so I thought I might say thank you so much :D
From what I've read of your works, you also have got quite a bit of talent. Especially when it comes to poetry which, despite loving the art form with a majority of my soul I can't seem to wrap my head around it.
Anyway, thanks again and have a nice day



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Thu Jan 23, 2020 10:08 am
HGsomeone says...






ChrisDixon says...


None taken. I am glad I can add up to my story. I just didn't know what I should write next. It had been year since I wrote that.
Thank you H.G



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Thu Jan 23, 2020 10:08 am
HGsomeone says...






ChrisDixon says...


Oh....By the way I don't even remember the back ground story so you helped lot. I have more to post but I guess I need to review more.



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Thu Jan 23, 2020 10:07 am
HGsomeone wrote a review...



A hoy hoy,

Um... I don’t want to be mean or cause any offence but the fact is that I didn’t have a clue what was happening in this. I got confused what was happening in the present and what was the memory and where any of this was set.

Read over it and clearly state what is happening and what the setting is. Clearly introduce a new character by perhaps giving a small description of a bit of background because Edan just came out of nowhere. You should also show what the tone and genre is of the story. Is it fantasy with magic and mystic prophecy’s? A coming of age story perhaps?

You said you wrote this in second grade and I applaud you sharing it.
I am really sorry if this has caused any offence but I thought I should just give you some honest feedback which is a way that it can be improved. I also apologise because I am horrible at writing feedback.

- H.G




ChrisDixon says...


You don't have to apologize. You are one of the best and the first reviewer I had.
No offense,but it spelled apologiz not apolpgise.
Thank you




cron
We are just a speck, on a speck, orbiting a speck, in the corner of a speck, in the middle of nowhere.
— Bill Nye