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Death

by ChrisDixon


He comes and goes ,

But we never know,

When the death

Would be visiting. 

Time pasts by,

Yet, we still forget

But the death still

Stands by.

When you sleep,

Be careful not to forget,

The death always stands by.

We never know, 

When death comes by.

Till the day,

We still forget.

Yesterday was only a past,

Second chance for us is now gone,

For the death has come.


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Sat Mar 07, 2020 1:01 am
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Lavvie wrote a review...



Hi there Chris! Here as requested.

I think you already have received some good reviews that have pretty much touched on all the bases that I think need to be touched on when it comes to you revising this poem later on. Kudos to you for tackling a subject like death, which can be really heavy and hard to convey in a poem. A sense of adventure when it comes to writing poetry is always necessary!

I think a big part of what's missing here is some imagery. We see it at the beginning with "by silent night sky", but after that there is very little. I know that imagery in poetry can be daunting and perhaps you may be unsure how to form solid pictures. I encourage you to take a photograph of your poem: what do you see? How does what you see make you feel? And then go deeper and engage all the human senses. There is a lot of emotion associated with death so you're far from being at a loss content-wise.

With regards to prosody, I feel that it's fairly spot-on. The short lines enable a relatively steady rhythm.

I would encourage you to just do a spot-check on spelling as well - there are some basic errors: for example, "past" should be "passed". I think a previous reviewer touched on this as well.

Overall, I think you have a solid base here! I look forward to seeing revisions.

All the best,
Lav




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Sun Feb 23, 2020 2:18 am
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PlainandSimple wrote a review...



hello, here to review your work!

Death is such a sad thing that it a minute occurrence. Something that never would make sense to us, and why it happens. Something that hurts us so much we change our whole way of life to show grief. Something that we can barely get past without losing someone else in our life. (as a friend). The meaning of this poem is clear and correct. Death is here whenever we don't want it to be. The second our lives are great it is ruined by something, and the worst thing is death.

What sucks even worse is that grief has so much at stake. It can be years of sadness, then years of anger, and then hopefully a chance to get over it. With the anger that can last for so long, you can lose friends, family, and even your own way of life. What I mean by that is you change, and change isn't always great. Change can make us depressed make us feel things that we never want to feel. I get all of this from your poem. Good job!

I love the way you format everything. The short lines really keep it compact and easy to read. I like that. What's also good about your poem is how you start it. One word is all you need and that's what you did. 'Death' is such a word. A word pack full of so many things that people don't know how to handle. It caught my eye. Also with how you say things just in such a simple way keep me reading. (Along with the short sentence). Great job! I can't wait to read more.

_ From your friend,
@PlainandSimple _ :)




ChrisDixon says...


Thank you for the review. I can't wait to read more of your reviews.



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Sun Feb 09, 2020 2:03 am
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tgham99 wrote a review...



The overall meaning of this poem was relatively clear, but there are some grammar/verb inconsistencies that make it a bit difficult to read through smoothly. These lines in particular caught my attention:

We come and goes

But we never know

When the death

Would be visiting.


"We" in the first line doesn't make much sense; I'm assuming it was intended to be written as "he" and you meant to write "comes" instead of "come"; this would make the line make grammatical sense and thus read more smoothly.

The rest of these lines sound a bit disconnected; in some of the other lines, you capitalize the word death, but in this one, you remove the sense of ominousness that surrounds death by opting to leave it lowercase and you put "the" ahead of the word which makes it seem like an object rather than a proper noun.

It's a bit confusing to pick up on the connotation you're trying to set up surrounding death; in some places, the capitalization conveys the meaning that death should be viewed as a frightening, individual entity, but in other places, you refer to it as "the death" which likens it more to a disease or something that you can "catch", if that makes sense.

The main message is clear -- we should fear death in all of its forms -- but there are some mistakes that prevent it from being as strong of a poem that it could be. With just a few corrections, this could be an even more powerful poem.

Hope this helps!




ChrisDixon says...


Thank you for the review. I just want to say that Death is capitalized because its on new line as the other first letters on each lines. When poem says, the death, it's beacuse I used Microsoft Window's correction.
It help lot. You know sometimes you can't see the mistakes but when other point out you are like "I should have known this!"
Thank you for the review!



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Sun Feb 09, 2020 12:54 am
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HGsomeone wrote a review...



A hoy a hoy,

Just here for a quick review, so without further ado, here are some general comments;

The message that you were trying to share in this poem was unclear. Some of the lines seemed disconnected to what was said before them making it confusing to understand what was going on. You could split the different stages of action into different stanzas to help with clarity but otherwise I would also suggest rewriting some of it so that it makes more sense.
In some parts of the poem, death has been personified while in others it hasn’t. I would recommend choosing either to personify it or not and sticking with that for the entirety of the piece to avoid confusing the reader.

Now that’s done, here are some specific comments;

The line, “we come and goes” just doesn’t sit right. I’m assuming this is typo and you meant to write ‘he’ instead of ‘we’ and for this I recommend always double checking in future with a friend to help or using an online grammar tool (I personally use grammarly). If it wasn’t a typo, ‘goes’ should be changed to ‘go’.
A second thing I want to point out is the word ‘comea’. I’m just going to assume this was another typo and reiterate what I said before about always checking what you have written makes sense.

And that’s about it from me. Continue writing!

- H.G




ChrisDixon says...


H.G thank for review. I did not published it that way. I got something wrong with internet and I couldn't even see what I wrote.




A classic is a book which people praise and don't read.
— Mark Twain