z

Young Writers Society


12+

These Brilliant and Beautiful Lies: Ch10 Pt2

by crossroads


The girl sat in the same corner Azrael had comforted Missy in before the mutiny began. Dimly lit by the few lamps they’d left on for her, she seemed calm — far calmer than she should’ve been by any stretch of logic — and her lips widened into a grin as she noticed Azrael approach. Azrael crouched in front of her carefully, hand loosely resting on the gun on her hip.

“Vane kept her tied,” her brother reminded her, “Don’t you think he had a reason?”

“We need to talk,” she said, her lips suddenly feeling oddly disconnected from the rest of her face . The practitioner’s smile died a little.

“Azrie…”

Azrael frowned. “Why are you calling me that? Who told you that name?”

The girl’s already round eyes rounded a bit more. They were a curious shade of blue, Azrael noticed: light, but not piercingly clear like Reiner’s, much more resembling the leaves of valveris flower or the low skies on a sunny day.

“You did.”

“Listen—“ Azrael paused. The blood and the rain; Vane; Rein’s voice in her head; Ranye… had she spoken to the practitioner? Back at the Lighthouse, when they’d first brought her— but no, the girl’s mouth was covered then. Rein had just reminded her of that a few moments ago.

She frowned again. “You called me ‘Captain Azrie Rose’, before I was any of those things.”

The practitioner pouted. “That’s quite untrue. You will have tell me it was just that others had not yet known it.”

Azrael’s mouth opened and closed.

“You’re losing your mind, little sister, and she’s only making it harder to find again.”

“What?”

“You tell me, once…” The girl spoke slowly now, folding and unfolding her hands in her lap as if to keep her herself focused. The chaffing marks on her wrists were still visible, even in the shadows under the deck. Her attention snapped back to the girl’s face as the practitioner continued: “You will tell me, that it’s just that the others didn’t know you as Azrie Rose yet, but that you were always Azrie Rose.” She looked up, seeming a bit pleased with herself. “Since before the Academy.”

Azrael was on her feet in the space of a heartbeat, gun pointed at the practitioner before her brain even caught up with her body. This girl knew more than anyone else onboard the ship. About her past. About her future.

“You’re not a practitioner,” she breathed. “You’re a Storyteller.”

The girl nodded. “I am. And you are not going to shoot me.”

Azrael watched as she stood up, her hands folding in front of her again. Her own grip of the gun tightened. “I’m not? How come?”

The girl hesitated. “Because you already didn’t. Except, it didn’t happen for you yet, but if you shoot me now, we can’t talk in your later, and that would mean I can’t have memories of it.”

Azrael’s thoughts raced to find the logic the other girl was clearly seeing. Tentatively, she reached into the back of her mind, where the knowledge of the Storytellers lay stored, so close to methods applied when dealing with heretics.

They will tell a man’s story by stealing his soul, the lessons said, the words clear despite how young she was when she first heard them.

The couch in the gallery, her favourite one by the bookshelf, so warm yet so close to the window; the Palace outside, snow-covered; the clean, sharp cuts of the Academy’s architecture visible further below.

“They can tell your future, but never let them touch you, or your memories will be taken from you.” Her brother’s voice; Mother sharply nodding from the armchair. And she wishes to say something, but she knows she wasn’t asked; and even though she’s too little to be listened to, it would be her brother’s fault—

“Azrie…”

The Storyteller’s hand was reaching for her. She stepped back and aimed the gun again, forcing herself to meet the other’s eyes.

“Kill her.” The nails of her other hand dug into her thigh. “She’s a heretic. Kill her.”

“Is it the voice?” The Storyteller’s tone was gentle, but nonetheless sent ice through Azrie’s veins, the sudden shiver forcing her to clench her jaw.

“How can you possibly—“

“You told me.”

“I would never tell you that.”

The girl smiled, playing with her hands again.

“But you do,” she said, “because you trust me, Azrie Rose, just like I trust you.”

She swallowed. She’d seen heretics before: practitioners so far gone that their eyes turned dead and their skin cracked with runes that stole pieces of their bodies along with their sanity. But this, this… Storytellers were barely more than a myth; a story told to the children of Councilmen like the stories of the Council were told to those far enough from ever meeting them in person. Meant to intimidate, frighten, solidify the faith — monsters who stole souls, not young girls with calm voices and round eyes who pronounced Azrael’s name in a gentler tone than anyone ever had before.

“Shoot her.”

Azrael closed her eyes, only to open them again in a moment. The Storyteller didn’t move, light eyes calmly resting on Azrael’s face rendering the gun about as interesting as the air between them.

The Dancer will leave you at the Lighthouse,” Azrael said finally. “You’re free to go wherever you want from there… I suggest any ship heading away from the Palace.”

The Storyteller’s gaze fell, and for the first time she seemed unsure. In one insane, ridiculous moment, Azrael nearly stepped closer to put a comforting hand on her shoulder.

She lowered the gun and took another step back, finding her way backwards up the stairs to the deck. The Storyteller’s eyes followed her.

“They call me Sada,” the girl said quietly, “where I grew up.” She licked her lips again and turned her gaze back up at Azrael. “Please, let me stay aboard The Dancer. I’ve missed you, even though you don’t even remember me yet.”

°


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Tue May 09, 2017 10:46 pm
12191277 wrote a review...



I think this was a good story because of how it's told. I like the names Sada and Azrael. It was interesting because of how dark and mysterious it was. Obviously it could be continued further. It was a little hard to follow but this person is definitely a good writer. They should continue to write. The flashbacks are interesting and also it has a nice twist at the end.
It reminds me of a series I read yet I can't remember what. I think it was because of the use of the word storyteller.
" But this, this… Storytellers were barely more than a myth; a story told to the children of Councilmen like the stories of the Council were told to those far enough from ever meeting them in person. Meant to intimidate,..."
okay in this sentence, storytellers are just in stories. I have to say that sounds ironic. Also in this sentence-"They can tell your future, but never let them touch you, or your memories will be taken from you.” It does sound a bit creepy. I like my memories. Anyway, keep writing!




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Tue May 09, 2017 10:34 pm
12191277 says...



I think this was a very good story. I give it 3.5 stars.




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Sun Apr 30, 2017 5:14 pm
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BluesClues wrote a review...



Okay, have you read The Fairyland series by Cathrynne M. Valente? Because this Storyteller reminds me a bit of marids. Not exactly, because marids live outside of time and are always running into younger or older selves or future children or mothers before they meet fathers and so forth, whereas Sada seems like it's just one of her, but that one of her has memories of the whole future.

I don't remember if I've mentioned before, but I think your use of flashback is really well-done. Usually italics annoy me when they're used this way, but you always keep them so short that they don't in this case. Additionally, the flashbacks themselves are short, just literal "flashes" of memory, which I think works really well.

“You tell me, once…”


For a moment this confused me, like maybe the girl didn't speak Azrael's language that well, but you explained it once the girl said she knew the future, basically. That said, I feel like "you told me" would be more natural for her to start with, because in her memory this has all already happened. Like "You told me, once..." and then corrects herself with "You will tell me." I just think that's more likely how someone would start off - because for her it's already happened, so really all the weird tenses are due to the dissonance between the fact that this is all in the past for her ("told") and the future for Azrael ("will tell") and she's explaining her memories but also trying to explain why she already has them.

On that note, this is a really cool twist. Did I already ask you to tag me when you post? I feel like no. Sign me up, please. I want to know more about Sada and see her and Azrael's relationship grow.




crossroads says...


Thank you!
I haven't read those books, but the concept sounds interesting :3 With the Storytellers, they don't really see entire future, more like their mind jumps through time and they just aren't experiencing it linearly. Which is going to be about as weird to explain in the story itself as it probably is to wrap one's head around when I present it like this :mrgreen:
Also, in her past/Azrie's future, Sada sort of practices to get her tenses in check, and when she's not sure she defaults to present. But you do have a point there, it was (will have been?) in her future, so maybe past tense would indeed work better...

I'll try to remember to tag you, though I don't usually do that (as in, I always forget, or I forget someone, or I misspell someone at the very least...).



BluesClues says...


Well, that's all right! I try to do Green Room reviews every day (well, *now* I do), so even if you forget me I'll probably get to it sooner or later.



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Sun Apr 30, 2017 12:14 am
inktopus wrote a review...



Hey Child! Storm here for a review this fine Review Day, so let's jump right into it!

The practitioner pouted. “That’s quite untrue. You will have tell me it was just that others had not yet known it.”

You have some weird grammar going on here.

The girl hesitated. “Because you already didn’t. Except, it didn’t happen for you yet, but if you shoot me now, we can’t talk in your later, and that would mean I can’t have memories of it.”

Again, you have some strange grammar going on here. It is actually really hard for me to figure out what she's trying to say.

The couch in the gallery, her favourite one by the bookshelf, so warm yet so close to the window; the Palace outside, snow-covered; the clean, sharp cuts of the Academy’s architecture visible further below.

I was bored reading this description. This rarely happens when I read your writing, but I was here. It's just a laundry list of things. If none of these things are worth more than a laundry list, then they're not important. If you don't want to spend a lot of time on description, just choose a few things to expand upon and get rid of this list altogether.

and even though she’s too little to be listened to, it would be her brother’s fault

This doesn't make much sense to me. What would be Reiner's fault? You may also want to add what Azrie wants to say, it might help to clarify this entire flashback.

“But you do,” she said, “because you trust me, Azrie Rose, just like I trust you.”

Again with the weird grammar. Were you tired when you wrote this? Though, here it's clear what you need to change. Just change it to 'But you would' or even 'but you did.'

Meant to intimidate, frighten, solidify the faith — monsters who stole souls, not young girls with calm voices and round eyes who pronounced Azrael’s name in a gentler tone than anyone ever had before.

Young girls? How old is she anyway? You may want to go into more detail about what she looks like so the audience has an idea of her age.

Overall, this was pretty good. The writing itself was fine, but I did find several confusing grammar issues and some unclear wording. Sada seems to be an interesting character, so I'm looking forward to seeing more of her. The plot is finally moving along. The past few chapters it had been leaving the harbor, but it's sailing along now. I wouldn't try for a lull in the action until more of the plot has unfolded.

You know how to contact me if you have any questions or just want to talk.

~Storm




crossroads says...


On my way to sleep, but I had to say this.

The weird grammar is the point. She's obviously struggling with her tenses: relate that to the whole talk of Storytellers, the lore of how they're supposedly able to tell a person's future (or rather, story , beginning to end), Azrie's own confusion about what exactly Sada meant to say...

As for "being Reiner's fault" bit, the answer to your question is in the way they were raised: Reiner was the planned one, the heir, always meant to be ten steps ahead the others. Everything any of the kids did was always his fault.

As always, thanks for the review, and good luck this Review Day~



crossroads says...


Oh right, you said "what", not "why", re: Reiner's fault xD Her speaking out of terms. Because as I said, every mistake was always his fault.




The good ended happily, and the bad unhappily. That is what Fiction means.
— Oscar Wilde, The Importance of Being Earnest