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Reminiscence - the novel (Part One)

by ChildOfNowhere


He stands in the forest, all alone and just enjoying the moment. No one is close, no one disturbing the silence and peace of the nature around him. He can see every tree; each transparent and white as snow, with thin veins of dark purple running through its core, visible just now and then. The leaves are also purple, but as they fall down to the ground they change tens of colours, turning instantly into ashes as they touch the land.
Butterflies tiny as grains of dust raise from the ashes. Their wings and bodies growing as they fly back up into the trees,changing slowly to birds as he watches them. The birds sit on the branches and sing, so quietly they not for a moment disturb the symphony of the blowing wind.
He closes his eyes, letting himself to fly away with the notes. He inhales a deep breath, smelling both sweet flowers and bitter fruit, in shape of a tear and hanging from a branch too high for him to reach. Feeling that overwhelms him is both light and heavy, both happy and sad, both dark and illuminating.

"Lord Alistair, hm.. sir?"
He opens his eyes, observing for a moment as the forest around him loses the magic and again appears to be no more than just a forest. Than he answers, without looking at a butler standing behind him.
"If my father wants something from me, tell him I'm busy."
"It's time for your medicine, my lord", replies the old butler of Alistairs', obviously used to his master's reactions. "You know you have to take it."
I know the way I see the world without it is worth every minute lost,thinks the young lord, though he accepts the glass from his butler's hand. Mixed with lemon juice, as always, he knows the drug has a taste he dislikes. He slowly brings it to his mouth and than drops it on the ground, too unexpectedly for butler to do anything. The glass crashes, juice spilling around his feet. young lord sighs, though his dark-blue eyes are shining.
"It must be the illness made me clumsy", he says, carefully observing his butler's face as it turns almost as pale as his own.
"I didn't know", he whispers.
"Now, I'm sure mother must have told you", replies lord Alistair, turning his back to him and hiding a small, somewhat evil smile. "I do for sure know she'll be mad finding out you weren't listening." He continues, playing with his hair as he talks. "Nothing will happen if I don't take it once, and it will spare you the trouble with your lady. I do believe you do not want to make my mother angry or worried, yes?"
"Most certainly, my lord", says the butler, so loyal and honest young lord almost feels sorry for him. "But.. are you sure?"
He turns back to the butler, stretching his lips into a smile.
"More than sure. As I'm concerned, the thing is solved."

He watches as the butler leaves, mostly lost in his thoughts. What they all call hallucinations and are trying to destroy by medicine and various therapies he finds pointless, he believes to be glimpses into the world far better than the one he's living in. A world filled with magic and adventures, as well as emotions he knows only from books, so beautiful and enchanting mortals are forbidden to enter. Permission to take that away from him nor his mother nor anyone else simply don't have.
*

(a note about the POVs character: young lord Alistair's name is Jareth. His an heir to his father, but he's about to die... he has two young brothers, and he believes to have a lost twin sister, though no one else, including his family, knows nothing about her. He is one of the POV characters, in a story of dreams, magic and love, set in more than one period and more than one world, told by five people connected more than any of them suspects. It was first written for a challenge on another site, but I grew quite attached to it, and I know I will finish it once...)


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Mon Feb 25, 2013 11:06 pm
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JOV97 wrote a review...



Aria! JOV here for a quick review - this is the first piece of yours I've read and I'm blown away by it. At the beginning in particular, your use of language (especially metaphorical) is masterful.

"Feeling that overwhelms him is both light and heavy, both happy and sad, both dark and illuminating"

I chose this quote in particular because it's so hauntingly beautiful. The conflicting words create a great sense of the character's confusion; the double-meaning that "illuminating" has is powerful. You're clearly great at describing these environments, this, along with the atmosphere, is described well.
However, a few grammatical tweaks could be made. Whilst I loved the dark/illuminating sentence, I'd consider adding "The" for grammatical accuracy. I might also change "I know the way I see the world without it is worth every minute lost." Personally, this confuses me. I'm unsure what the character is talking about and it's difficult to read. There are other changes you could make, too, but I'm sure you'll be able to sort these out :)
As already mentioned, the atmosphere you built is brilliant - your descriptions are vivid and leave a lasting impression. On the other hand, I would like to have known a little bit more about the characters. Perhaps your flair for descriptive writing could be spread to this aspect of your story, too?
Other than that, I had very few problems with your work - with a few minor changes, it could be vastly improved!

I hope this helped,
JOV97 :)




AriaAdams says...


Hey!
Thank you, I'm really glad to hear that :3
I appreciate the time, and both the compliments and the critiques - and all of it I find helpful, so, yes, thanks again ^^

I will see to the grammatical changes in the original work - for some reason I don't edit the entries on here *shrugs*

A~



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Sun Jan 27, 2013 6:22 pm
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Caesar wrote a review...



Hey sis! Time to stalk review all your works.

After reading this, I wondered if this was one of your earlier works. The grammar here could certainly be improved on. Grammar aside, this wasn't bad, if a little short. Very short indeed for a chapter. It doesn't quite strike me as one, in fact. Especially given your little note at the end. A novel chapter never has these, wouldn't you agree with me? I think that should go either before the chapter, as a kind of description, or better yet, under the 'short description of this piece' YWS requires you to fill in before posting. At the end, it kind of seems like a cheap info dump so you can avoid all this in the chapter proper. It would seem so at the beginning as well, but at least there it would be more 'professional'.

Furthermore, once again this lacks description. Description of the butler, mayhaps, description of the lord, description of the room they're standing in. On the other hand, I loved the description of the trees under the 'magical' eye at the beginning. That was lovely. Except at that point, I'd have loved a tiny digression on magic, or at least that aspect of it. In the next chapters, aye?

Now, as for the grammar!

"It's time for your medicine, my lord", replies the old butler of Alistairs',


Those commas. They go inside the speech marks. Now, I've spoken to a Russian (the area, at least) writer before, and she told me in their books the commas go after. Perhaps it's the same with Croatian literature? I've never seen it done in an English or Italian book, however. You may also in some places wish to revise your speaking verbs, such as 'says' or 'replies.'


And that's about that! Overall it was good, but too short for me to actually form a definite opinion. You may want to work on the description as well. In a few words, bulk it out.

Hope this helped
~Ita




AriaAdams says...


Let's pretend I don't feel stalked at all xD

Yeah, it's not a chapter. Chapters are longer, consist of a lot of POVs and are generally weird. I also change the order of stuff all the time in this one xD
This note in the end is there because this was not originally the first part, so the stuff like his name and appearance were already known. I didn't think I'll be changing order or submitting any more of this when I first put it up, so I just made that note. It is relatively older, before the time I even knew of the difference in English and Croatian grammar when it comes to dialogues. Like I said already, we write the way it's written here, so I'm kind of having hard time adapting >.< Thats why I need people like you to keep bugging me with it until I actually change it.

I have nothing to say about the missing of the butler's description.. I guess I just didn't see him as important enough, he's not a character who actually appears much later ^^

Helped as always, thanks ;)



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Mon Dec 17, 2012 4:07 pm
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Clarity wrote a review...



He stands in the forest, all alone and just enjoying the moment. No one is close, no one disturbing the silence and peace of the nature around him. He can see every tree; each transparent and white as
snow, with thin veins of dark purple running through its core, visible just now and then. The leaves are also purple, but as they fall down to the ground they change tens of colours, turning instantly into ashes as
they touch the land.
Butterflies tiny as grains of dust raise from the ashes. Their wings and bodies growing as they fly back up into the trees, changing slowly to birds as he watches them. The birds sit on the branches and sing, so
quietly they not for a moment disturb the symphony of the blowing wind.
He closes his eyes, letting himself to fly away with the notes. He inhales a deep breath, smelling both sweet flowers and bitter fruit, in shape of a tear and hanging from a branch too high for him to reach. Feeling
that overwhelms him is both light and heavy, both happy and sad, both dark and illuminating.

Well this is just pretty much genius.
I don't know exactly what it is, that entrances me so much... but when I read this paragraph, it's as though I can see what this person is seeing.
And, it just looks beautiful. You have definatly made a brilliant first impression on the reader here.
Personally, I do not see anything that you could improve on here... not even a change of words or sentence structure. It is truly fine the way it is, and to change it could possibly be classed a a crime.

He can see every tree;

I know I said there was nothing to improve on... and there isn't. But, I only just noticed, and I am not one hundred percent sure, whether you used a semi-colon correctly here. I was taught that you use a semi-colon
when you have one sentence, that could be two sentences, but you want it as one, and it needs a break. Which is what a comma is for... but the semi-colon is used when both halves of the sentence, could be
one sentence each. :)

young lord sighs, though his dark-blue eyes are shining.

You are missing a capital letter. And I believe you mean "The young lord sighs,"

though his dark-blue eyes are shining.

Maybe, instead of saying "dark", you could pick something more descriptive... 'midnight-blue' 'ocean blue'. You see what I mean? "dark" is just a tad under-descriptive.

"It must be the illness made me clumsy",

I think you missed a word out. Try "It must be the illness which made me clumsy".

so loyal and honest young lord almost feels sorry for him.

*** The young lord...


Overall, this is a very interesting piece, and I look very forward to reading the next part! Hurry up, I'm anxious to read it! :D

Well done, good luck and keep writing!

-Clarity'xo




AriaAdams says...


Really? Thank you so much :D I hoped it may have that effect on the readers, but to hear it's actually so with someone.. ^_^
I corrected the capital letters where I found them, thanks for warning me ^^ As for the dark-blue.. Yes, it perhaps does feel kind of lacking something.. I'll think about what can be done there :)

Thanks a lot for the review, I'll upload more when I correct the major grammar mistakes xD

Aria



Clarity says...


Anytime! You're talented, so keep it up!



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Thu Dec 13, 2012 8:59 am
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Lycando wrote a review...



It's a enjoyable read, the start is good and it's flows smoothly into the second part, which is the dialogue.

"Lord Alistair, hm.. sir?"
I think you meant to write "um" instead of "hm"? I just think it sounds a little weird if you actually say it out loud.

"I know the way I see the world without it is worth every minute lost"
This seemed quite confusing, although the general idea is there, I had to read it it a couple times before I fully understood it. A comma after "world" may have helped a little :) And also "every minute is lost". Basically just a rephrase and punctuation would help with this.

"Permission to take that away from him nor his mother nor anyone else simply don't have."
This last sentence is also confusing. Are they taking it away from and his mother or is his mother taking it away from him? And "simply don't have" doesn't really fit quite in.

Hope my review helped, I know I may be a little harsh, sorry about that :)




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Thu Dec 13, 2012 8:59 am
Lycando says...



It's a enjoyable read, the start is good and it's flows smoothly into the second part, which is the dialogue.

"Lord Alistair, hm.. sir?"
I think you meant to write "um" instead of "hm"? I just think it sounds a little weird if you actually say it out loud.

"I know the way I see the world without it is worth every minute lost"
This seemed quite confusing, although the general idea is there, I had to read it it a couple times before I fully understood it. A comma after "world" may have helped a little :) And also "every minute is lost". Basically just a rephrase and punctuation would help with this.

"Permission to take that away from him nor his mother nor anyone else simply don't have."
This last sentence is also confusing. Are they taking it away from and his mother or is his mother taking it away from him? And "simply don't have" doesn't really fit quite in.

Hope my review helped, I know I may be a little harsh, sorry about that :)




AriaAdams says...


Thank you for the review, I don't think you were harsh :)
"Um" does sound really more natural, and I'll obviously have to think about those sentences again -.-
Though I must say I'm quite glad you didn't find some major grammar mistakes, as after all English is not my first language (perhaps that's why my sentences' construction is also a bit weird) :p



Clarity says...


May I just say... even though them sentences pointed out were confusing, if looked at in a certain persepective, the construction of them contribute very nicely into the story. :)



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Wed Dec 12, 2012 10:49 pm
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Creativeatheart wrote a review...



"I know the way I see the world without it is worth every minute lost, thinks the young lord, though he accepts the glass from his butler's hand."

I would tweak this sentence a little though. I had to read it over :3

"I know the way I see the world. Without it every minute is lost", thinks the young lord, though he accepts the glass from his butler's hand.

Besides that everything else was great, nice job.




AriaAdams says...


Thanks for the advice :)

Though if I'd change it your way, its meaning would slightly change, I think.. Because he meant to say that the way he sees the world without that medicine is so much better that reality, that it's worth every minute of his life lost.
(and now I think to myself, I could have just written it that way) :D



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Wed Dec 12, 2012 10:43 pm
Creativeatheart says...



I enjoyed reading this. The description of the forest in the beginning was great and I liked how clever Jareth was by dropping the glass, It makes me sad that he's going to die.

I would most certainly keep trying to write this though because it looks promising :3




AriaAdams says...


Yaay I'm glad it makes you sad that he's about to die (though it kind of sounds wrong when I say it like this O.o) He should be loved by the readers, despite his personality sometimes being somewhat mean :3
I'll keep writing it for sure, and maybe I post some other parts here too! :D




"He looks like a turtle who's been through the Vietnam war."
— SirenCymbaline the Kiwi