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16+ Violence


by ChieRynn

Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence.

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80 Reviews

Points: 5229
Reviews: 80

Thu Jun 08, 2017 5:17 pm
Jurelixranoanad wrote a review...

Hi, J here for a review.
I Love Star Wars. I may have eight different fandoms but Star Wars is the main one. I will start with the things that I did not like then move on to the good things.
You introduced about 5 characters in the first paragraph but only 3 were part of the main action, it was very confusing.
What the crap? Why Seppies it would have sounded tons better to just say Sepratists.
What is up with your timeline? in the first bit it sounds like this team is gong to go defeat Dookoo then Vader comes in and they were not alive at the same time, then Kylo starts and I'm like WHAT? Not to mention that the sepratists are a part of the prequel trilogy. Basicly you go from Prequel to Original to Sequel. It's bad you need to educate yourself on Star Wars timelines.
Is Dorian supposed t be Obi-Wan if so why not just say Obi-Wan?
On to good things.
If I understood right Chie is the main character and she is a mighty fine one at that. Her voice and attitude is really great. And that fighter she brings down with her bare hands!
Great detail in the saber fight between her and the knights of ren and ren.
I liked the nice emotional ending it topped off the already good story.

Good Job and Keep Writing!!

ChieRynn says...

Thanks! The beginning portion was a flashback, perhaps I should have made that more clear. I can see how that confused you LIKE WHAT DOOKU AND KYLO IN THE SAME STORY WHAT.

No, Dorian is not Obi-Wan, if he was Chie would have said so.

"Seppies" is clone trooper slang. That's what they often called the separatists. They also called droids "clankers" or "tinnies".
And did I say Vader? Where? What? I'll see. Thanks for the review!

So sorry, after I put the review up I went and did a bit of looking and I found that clone slang somewhere on wookiepedia. On of my best friends who is the only person I know who could possibly be a bigger Star Wars geek than I am slapped me and said "You need to get educated!" Lol again sorry for the mistake.

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116 Reviews

Points: 199
Reviews: 116

Fri Jun 02, 2017 3:10 am
Featherstone wrote a review...

Hello! Feather here to review as promised!

Um...isn't Dorin Xylar's last name? Just saying...

"It was hers now, but had formerly been her master’s." This sentence feels clunky to me. Perhaps "...but used to be her master's." or something along those lines.

"Chie’s comm blared again as Caleb (or “Lucky”) reached the cockpit." I think it'd be smoother if instead of parentheses (I always feel they break me out of the story) you said something more like "as Caleb - a.k.a. Lucky ever since he'd miraculously survived a mission Tattooine - reached the cockpit" or something like that to a) tell us why he's called lucky and b) have it flow better.

"Dey was now able to see the carvings on the wall, that of ancient warriors." Those of ancient warriors. That would be if it was 'that of an ancient warrior.' If it's singular, it's 'that', and if it's plural, it's 'those'

"Dey reached out and touched one of the carvings, and it glowed white for a moment. Then it turned red, and the stone glowed and grew hot." Glow twice within two sentences is repetitive. Perhaps 'it burned white for a moment' or using something like that would work better.

"Chie activated her saber, immediately as the engines of The Merlin spluttered and started." I might be wrong, but I don't think splutter is a word; I think it'd be 'sputtered and started.'

The other thing I noticed was in the dialogue; you ended all the dialogue with '.'s '?'s or '!'s, no commas. Unless it's a question or exclamation (in which case the appropriate punctuation marks are used) it ends in a comma (unless there is no speaker tag after it). For example:

"No way!" he exclaimed. The 'h' in 'he' is still lowercase as though I'd used a comma, but a '!' is still used to emphasize the exclamation. It's the same with a question.

"Not kidding," she answered with a smile. It's a comma and the speaker tag isn't capitalized.

"That's crazy." This is a period because there isn't a speaker tag.

You see? If you have questions, feel free to ask.

What is it with our characters dying valiant deaths covering retreats? XD Nice job, ChieRynn. It was well-written and well-paced; an entertaining read.

~ Fea

ChieRynn says...

I just randomly picked the name "Dorin" and invented a tale of the Old Republic Jedi on the spot. But it would be cool of Xy was related to him maybe...

And thanks! Ugh why are these thing such a pain...,?!,?!.

Featherstone says...

Because english is a pain XD No problem, glad to have something to review that a) helps a friend and b) isn't boring as heck :P

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58 Reviews

Points: 2202
Reviews: 58

Tue May 30, 2017 7:36 pm
AkeliaTaske says...

You changed the ending!

ChieRynn says...

Yeah bc Chie didn't train as a force spirit so...but I sorta like this better.

But now she's with Akelia/Kavis/Fives/her squad/her master/her sister/etc so...

AkeliaTaske says...

Yes.... *cries*

We are all apprentices in a craft where no one ever becomes a master.
— Ernest Hemingway