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Chapter 1, Liliths alone

by RandomMonkey

When I was young I heard stories about an underground fortress,  home to magical creatures, all of different shapes and sizes, and they were all grateful to their humble, eye-catching queen. And these stories were told to me by my great grandpa, his name was Rob. We were the best of friends in the whole wide world and my only friend as a little girl, he took care of me since my parents never wanted to. He would try to make waffles for me since that was my favorite food. When I lived with my parents at 5 years old, when he would make the waffles, we would always try not to catch his big puffy gray beard on fire, but almost every time he did. Then shortly after that he would tell me more about this imaginary underground land. I loved hearing stories about the little grimland dwarfs and blue bud pixies and all the other magical creatures he made up, He was all I could ever hope for, so to me, today was the saddest day of my life. “We are gathered here today to say our final goodbyes to a wonderful man, Rob Chandler, Who I am sure would all want you to know he loves you very much,” said the cousin of Rob.

It was horrible. everyone dressed in black, my parents didn’t even show, he had no wife to help him through life, and everyone he knew but his 40-year-old lonely cousin, Newt and my parents lived in the same state as he, so I just sat there, thinking if there was anything I could have done to prevent Rob's death, also thinking: What am I going to do with my life? my parents don’t like me for who knows why, and Newt goes out to bars to often to care for me. I am only sixteen. Then after the funeral was over I went back to robs house, and I thought I would stay there until too many bills stacked up. So far I have been there for a week, all alone, and already two bills stacked up on the counter. Truthfully, I was scared to look at them every time I passed the counter to get some food of even a drink. They scared me because they reminded me about how I will have to leave this place and how I am on my own.

On the third week I went out to get the mail, like I do every day. normally its bills or magazines on fishing weekly, which I don’t know why they even give thoughs out when its so cold like this, but I went out and I started digging through mail. my long chestnut hair kept blowing in my face, so I set down the mail to put my hair up. As I did, I saw a pink letter fall out of the stack of mail before the others did, so I picked it up and read the front of it out loud,

“Good Day’s Orphanage slip?” So I opened it and I was more then surprised,

“Dear Lilith, We are sad to inform you that you have been alone for far too long, so we would like to take you under our wing and send you to the Good Day’s Orphan House. we serve 3 meals a day and we have families come and pick a new addition every Thursday, and do not worry your grandfather Robin told use that he wouldn't be around forever, that your name is Lilith and that you may need some help, we have a car coming to pick you up, so be packed and ready.  -J”

“NO! I am not going to an orphanage!” So I dropped the letter and ran inside to pack up, but not for the orphanage, for my escape!

My name is Lilith Stew. I'm 16 years old and This is how the adventure began.

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93 Reviews

Points: 137
Reviews: 93

Sun Jun 04, 2017 5:03 pm
BeTheChange wrote a review...

In case you're wondering: I plan to review all your works, and all the works of the other users I'm following. It's a crazy new goal of mine. :)
I liked this MUCH more than I liked "Violet's School Day". There was an infodump, but it wasn't as obvious or annoying in this story.
But there are still a lot of grammar errors. Also, you should give more of a reason for Lilith to be against going to an orphanage. As of this draft, it seems jarring and a little weird that she would've at least consider going. Maybe her grandfather warned her about such a place?

The plot reminded me a tiny bit of Miss Peregrine's Home For Peculiar Children, with the grandfather telling the child about a magical world and then dying--but this was its own story, and I don't mind the connection too much.

RandomMonkey says...

thanks, I have not seen that movie, is it good? thanks again for the review, that's an awesome goal! :D good luck with it, one of these days I will write something GOOD for you to review ;)

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374 Reviews

Points: 20013
Reviews: 374

Sun Feb 26, 2017 2:53 pm
Saen wrote a review...

Hi, ChibiElephants! I'm here to review your work, as I promised to do awhile! I'm sorry in advance if my review isn't all that helpful. I'm trying to become a better reviewer, but I'm not used to reviewing some of the things I'm going to mention in this review.

You set up a really interesting premise for this story! My guess is that her great-grandfather's stories are going to actually be the truth. My second guess is that the orphanage is somehow related to those stories because Rob mentioned her to the people at the orphanage. On the other hand, he may just want to make sure that Lilith isn't left alone.

Grammatically, I think your main problem throughout the chapter is that you have a lot of run-on sentences. In order to avoid having these, I suggest reading your story out loud. If someone goes on for too long, you'll be able to tell.

Now onto the characters! I feel like the reader currently doesn't know much about Lilith, save for the fact that she likes her independence and doesn't want to go to the orphanage as a result. I'm guessing that you're going to show more of who she is as a character in the future chapters, though! I'm really interested to learn more about her.

The reader also doesn't have much information about the novel's setting. We know that she's been staying at Rob's house, but we don't know much about where the house is. We also don't have much information on the funeral. You can really show how emotional the characters get at Rob's death, and the funeral would be a great way to show the reader the deep connection that Lilith and Rob had.

What country does this take place in, by the way? If it takes place in the US, traditional orphanages are no longer in use because studies have shown that kids do better in foster homes. So I would suggest changing it to something involving foster homes if that's the case. If it doesn't take place in the US, please ignore this comment!

I hope this review helped. I really enjoyed reading this chapter, and I'm sorry if any part of my review seemed harsh! Also, please feel free to PM me if something I said doesn't make sense. I'd be happy to explain it to you. Keep up the great work - which I doubt you'll have trouble with - and good luck on your writing endeavors! I hope you have a wonderful day/night!

RandomMonkey says...

thanks, ya its bin so long sitns I have written this so sorry about all the problems :)

Saen says...

Don't worry! Making mistakes is how we improve our writing. Thanks for writing the chapter! It was super enjoyable to read.

RandomMonkey says...

haha, thanks mage

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213 Reviews

Points: 2741
Reviews: 213

Wed Jan 11, 2017 8:29 pm
dogsrule5 says...

Hey Dogs here for a quick comment.

Hey, sorry I didn't read this any sooner, I've just been busy! You probably know how it is? Anyway I thought this was an amazing start for your story, and can't wait to read more. I will probably give a review in chapter 2, but since this is late, and I don't have a ton of time right now (I have homework and swim practice later) I can't write a long review. I will review for the next chapter though! Anyway I really liked this and cannot wait to read more!

Keep up the great writing,

RandomMonkey says...

Haha haha, that's all right dogs :) thanks for doing the review any way :) I will link chapter two for you tomorrow when I can do it from my laptop, and I have already started on chapter three and as soon as I get 200 points I will then post that and send you that link if you want, thanks again dogs :F

RandomMonkey says...

Sorry, at the end I ment to do this :D

dogsrule5 says...

Alright Thanks Chibi!

RandomMonkey says...

Shore!!! And besides, I understand being busy a lot :)

dogsrule5 says...

Yeah! :D

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7 Reviews

Points: 0
Reviews: 7

Tue Jan 10, 2017 12:30 am
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nozomi wrote a review...

Hey ChibiElephants! I'm Nozomi and I'll be reviewing your work today.

First of all, I'm interested in this idea; I love practically anything fantasy related, so this will be a delight to review.

Now, in the first sentence however I found a small error.

{ "When I was young I heard stories about an underground fortress. home to magical creatures, all of different shapes and sizes, and they were all grateful to their humble, eye-catching queen." }

The first line has a punctuation mistake; instead of a full-stop between fortress and home there should be a comma - "When I was young I heard stories about an underground fortress, home to magical creatures." Both sentences are linked, so hence a comma is needed. The full-stop ends a sentence, it does not connect the two like a comma.

Additionally, there was an excess of commas being used. Remember a comma can be used to separate ideas and information but when used, they halt the flow of the sentence for a mere second for the reader to catch their breath. With the amount of commas that you have used within that one sentence, there was too much of a delay in reading and being the opening sentence of the chapter, it was disappointing. In fact the correct format for the sentence should have been...

When I was young, I heard stories about an underground fortress that was home to magical creatures. They would come in all different shapes and sizes. All of them were grateful to their humble, eye-catching Queen."

The whole first paragraph was too compiled with information, it should be broken down into segments and arranged in order so that each paragraph has relevant information. Adding to this, I believe you could have used a more mature tone; the way in which things were written was bland and lacked originality and attractiveness.

Throughout the entirety of the work, there were instances with small grammar mistakes, such as "to" which should have been "too", etc.

The ending, for me anyway, felt a little too dramatic. The idea of the letter felt a tad under thought. The content and the way it was written didn't suggest the letter was really from an orphanage and as for the main characters reaction, being a 16-year-old, I found that the behavior was not matching the age range.

Despite this, I enjoyed reading! It was interesting and I would like to read more! Good Job.

~ Nozomi

RandomMonkey says...

Thank you so much!! And I am sorry, the funny thing is that I originally had a comma but this one girl told me to use a full stop, hahaha any way thanks, and yes the dramatic ending was for people to be exited about the next chapter, but it's okay, thanks so much for the help :)

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43 Reviews

Points: 276
Reviews: 43

Mon Jan 09, 2017 7:34 pm
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babydollblues wrote a review...

I'm just going to go through and point out stuff I would change or point out little grammar errors and also what I like about your first chapter.
In the first sentence,
When I was young I heard stories about a underground fortress,
should be
"When I was young, I heard stories about an underground fortress,"
And then I suggest adding a period after fortress to put emphasis on it. Then with "Home to magical creatures", Maybe change it to "It was home to magical creatures, all of them different shapes and sizes, and each of them were devoted to their humble eye-catching Queen."

In the sentence,
And these stories were told to me by my great grandpa, his name was Rob, we were the best of friends in the world
Did you mean "we were the best of friends in the whole wide world"?
Those were a few of the examples I managed to pick out, I would advise you to go through and read out-loud. Pick through anything that doesn't sound right and think about what punctuation would go there.
You've got a good story line but your sentence structure could use some touch-ups, especially with run-on sentences. One last thing, the last line is very cliche. Try and introduce how a character looks throughout the book, not in one single sentence at the very beginning.

RandomMonkey says...

Thank you so much! that helps a lot! you are vary kind as to help me :D have a wonderful day!

Life's short; smile while you still have teeth.
— Tuesday