Young Writers Society

Hey, Felix. If you ever read this, well you probably will one day, then this is me speaking to you. I have a lot of things to tell you, and honestly this is the only way I can do it right now. As we get to know each other, you have to understand some things about me. You're always, and I mean always, optimistic and smiling, happy and laughing. I swear, you are like the opposite of me, but that isn't a bad thing. I'm glad for you. I don't mean to bring you down, but here's my confessions. 

1.) I have major depression. Since June 2015 to now..nine months of this. It consumes me each day and lingers at my mind. It's wreaked havoc on my mind and tore my heart apart; it has never been anything but something to fuel my negative emotions with. I don't know if you can relate with yourself or family. If I could only explain to you how much of an illness this is, I would.

2.) I have moderate anxiety. I have anxiety built up into my system, mainly because I care a lot about what others think. The anxiety comes out in school mostly, where I'm around peers. You probably haven't noticed yet, since you've been at our school a few weeks.

3.) I have mild panic attacks. Again, these happen at school. I hope no one notices though. Right now my heart is racing and I'm wondering what you'll think, but I can't stop here. 

4.) I self harm(ed). It hurts. My razor taunts me every time I go to shave for gym two or three days a week. It reminds me of the purposes it has served, in bringing me deserved pain, numb pain to quench my emotional ache. It was a last resort for me when artwork, music, and writing didn't help. I've reached that last resort, sadly. I'm sorry. 

5.) This is the apex of what I'm trying to tell you. You have saved me from killing myself. I don't know how, necessarily, but you did by perhaps being yourself? The past few weeks at school made me dip down deep into my terrifying thoughts, but when you came I pushed it down, I pushed it all down. The weekend we first started texting, I had been ready to give up everything and go die in a black hole. I'm scared of myself and what my mind wants me to do. I have been feeling so worthless and used and stupid and crazy and angry and upset and cried a lot too, recently.  But you saved me, you know. Your texts got my mind off of it and those phone calls we've had relaxed me. You stopped me from holding that razor when I felt like I deserved so much pain. The late night phone calls always had us grinning and laughing, which had me focused on you. I don't want to hurt you with this though. And it brings tears to my eyes and shivers up and down my spine to tell you this. I don't think you'll ever realize how grateful I am to you for this. 

So, Felix...

I'm sorry for this, and I'm sorry you have to wait for WiFi to read it. But this is something I had to get off of my mind because I feel like I'm going to explode right now. I have to go, though. We can text whenever you want to talk.  I'm always here. 

And thank you. A hundred times thank you for reading and listening and knowing this. Don't tell anyone at school, please, please, please. They already think I'm a freak.