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by Evander

you were crafted from the bitter fire
quickly, your soul formed in my hands
dancing between my fingertips
[i watched, eyes gazing longingly
at your tiny questions appearing like
echoes, soft children's music to my ears.]
(i burned my hands as i answered you,
oh darling)

you never asked to be made, i know.
i never asked for the scorched flesh
that came along with creating you, accompanying
the growing life form in my workshop, with whispers
i shovel in coal around your new body,
while you bloom from the ashes
[your head peaks out through the burning orange,
i smile hello.]

a little bit of love, torn straight from my soul
tossing in a sprinkle of regret for character.
caution, free of experience and given for safety.
fire for your personality, free of charge
for sparks would be how you would light up my life.
an old, coal outline for your face lends to
the old soul that you had become.

your feet were new, tiny, unblemished
when you stepped out of my workshop.
the birthmark of my pain stamped on
your shoulder, which you didn't take notice

clothes from my garden are what adorned you
instead of being exposed to the elements for
my viewing pleasure
i asked for nothing in return but

you shied away from my touch, after so long in the forges
i wanted for you in the lily-filled meadow and yet you ran so far.
[you had tied leaves around your feet, ones you had stolen
from my sanctuary.]

i gave freely from the pits of my soul and--
yes, i know, you never asked to live--
but without cost to you once again
you have taken from me.
[from ashes to ashes, dust to dust.
i'll leave a bill next time.]


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1264 Reviews

Points: 91524
Reviews: 1264

Sun Apr 23, 2017 8:20 pm
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Rosendorn wrote a review...

Hello, here as requested.

Something's missing here, but I'm not 100% sure what.

I feel like in the name of clarity flow was sacrificed when this didn't need to be quite so grammatically perfect. Namely, there are a lot of "the" and "in" and other words that just feel like deadweight and bog the story down.

The images are strong-ish but at the same time, the adverbs of the first stanza— and honestly most of this is in the first stanza, because the poem gets its legs under it the longer it runs on— really weaken the poem and don't lend anything.

The cohesion is there, but at the same time there seems to be a lack of character. There's this sense of restraint that leaves this poem just shy of vulnerability, trying to expose a wound and trying to explain pain but coming up just short because it's too much. I keep getting the sense there should be conflict here, there should be agony and a narrative, but it's not there.

I think, in the end, that's what's missing. The sense of conflict, the sense that there had been tension and strong emotions and those just aren't there. Everything is glossed over, every stanza a new situation, and the build up only ties together in the end and that end is underwhelming because I wasn't expecting such a sharp rip away, because nothing hints before then the feelings are that sharp.

Dive in deep to those intense emotions and explore them in full. Once you've gotten through that, this'll be much stronger. It's just on the other side of great, right now.

Hope this helps. Let me know if you have any questions or comments.


Evander says...

Thank you so much!

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176 Reviews

Points: 8808
Reviews: 176

Sun Mar 26, 2017 10:33 am
Sheyren wrote a review...

Sheyren's Review

Hey there! \(^。^ ) Shey here for a review!

Overall, this was a neat poem. In whole, I haven't got a whole lot to comment on, since for the most part it was perfect. Instead, I guess I'll just nitpick, since yay, nktpicking!

My first nitpick would be the parentheses. Or, I guess, the square brackets. I'm not too sure why you would choose square brackets over parentheses. Square brackets don't actually do the same thing as parentheses, as they were made for an entirely different reason. Spquare brackets' primary function is to give more or less needed info in quotes without directly inquiring the source. So by using them in place of conventional parentheses, your really not using them the correct way.

My other nitpick is the lowercase "I"s. It's strange that you broke this one grammar rule (although the curly brackets would count too, I guess). In poetry, my philosophy is all or nothing. If you break one grammar rule, break five more or it will look out of place, like you got lazy. Now, I know you didn't get lazy, but other readers may believe so. However, obviously, I said it myself - that's my philosophy. You're the poet, and as is the case with any reviews, you don't need to take my advice. I'm well confident you're more skilled than me in writing poetry, and probably writing in general, but I figured I'd just put it out there.

Overall, wonderful poem that I thoroughly enjoyed! Keep up the great work, because I look forward to seeing more!


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78 Reviews

Points: 464
Reviews: 78

Sun Mar 26, 2017 12:32 am
VegasLights wrote a review...

Hello, Castor. Steam1244 here to give you a review! I noticed a few grammar mistakes while reading your poem. Even though I am not one who could speak, because I have made those exact same mistakes before. What I noticed was, a couple of things could be capitalized. Like when you started a new sentence the first word should have been capitalized. "I" also should have been capitalized. I saw that throughout the poem multiple times. Also, I feel as if this statement shouldn't have been separated. I believe it should have stayed together, then go to a different stanze, Yes, I know, everything can't be perfect, nor will it ever be.
"i asked for nothing in return but

you shied away from my touch,"
There is also that pest if an I at the top of the stanza. I thank you for your time and I hope you have a great day!

Keep Writing,

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Points: 0
Reviews: 0

Thu Mar 23, 2017 7:15 pm
AnxhelaSem says...

I love it!

Light griefs are loquacious, but the great are dumb.
— Seneca