Young Writers Society

Hello, here as requested.

Something's missing here, but I'm not 100% sure what.

I feel like in the name of clarity flow was sacrificed when this didn't need to be quite so grammatically perfect. Namely, there are a lot of "the" and "in" and other words that just feel like deadweight and bog the story down.

The images are strong-ish but at the same time, the adverbs of the first stanza— and honestly most of this is in the first stanza, because the poem gets its legs under it the longer it runs on— really weaken the poem and don't lend anything.

The cohesion is there, but at the same time there seems to be a lack of character. There's this sense of restraint that leaves this poem just shy of vulnerability, trying to expose a wound and trying to explain pain but coming up just short because it's too much. I keep getting the sense there should be conflict here, there should be agony and a narrative, but it's not there.

I think, in the end, that's what's missing. The sense of conflict, the sense that there had been tension and strong emotions and those just aren't there. Everything is glossed over, every stanza a new situation, and the build up only ties together in the end and that end is underwhelming because I wasn't expecting such a sharp rip away, because nothing hints before then the feelings are that sharp.

Dive in deep to those intense emotions and explore them in full. Once you've gotten through that, this'll be much stronger. It's just on the other side of great, right now.

Hope this helps. Let me know if you have any questions or comments.

~Rosey

Hello, Castor. Steam1244 here to give you a review! I noticed a few grammar mistakes while reading your poem. Even though I am not one who could speak, because I have made those exact same mistakes before. What I noticed was, a couple of things could be capitalized. Like when you started a new sentence the first word should have been capitalized. "I" also should have been capitalized. I saw that throughout the poem multiple times. Also, I feel as if this statement shouldn't have been separated. I believe it should have stayed together, then go to a different stanze, Yes, I know, everything can't be perfect, nor will it ever be.
"i asked for nothing in return but

you shied away from my touch,"
There is also that pest if an I at the top of the stanza. I thank you for your time and I hope you have a great day!

Keep Writing,
Steam1244

I love it!