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stripes on my mind

by CaptainJack

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20 Reviews

Points: 175
Reviews: 20

Mon Mar 11, 2019 7:20 am
Tanishka wrote a review...

Hey there!
Nice work.I couldn't even imagine that someone would write something like this about a bee.The way you have presented the poem is also impressive,yellow and black.

The second stanza is amazing and presents a great visual imagery.Sound imagery is great in the first stanza.I think you could work a little on the rhyming scheme.If the rhyming scheme is intentional then it's great.Great poem and it really presents nice sound and meaning.

I hope you keep writing such amazing poems😊.

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30 Reviews

Points: 1798
Reviews: 30

Thu Mar 07, 2019 9:18 am
WritingPrincess wrote a review...

Hi, it’s Princess here to review your poem!

So, to start off, I’d like to say that I really like the metaphor of a ‘bumble bee’ to portray love. It’s certainly an interesting idea and you really made it work with phrases like ‘they zoom by us’ and ‘filled with poison’. It’s a very nice base for a poem and I think you developed it very well.

“our empty area” - What do you mean by ‘empty area’?
“poison, to our hearts” - Wouldn’t this mean you don’t love each other?
“side scene” - What do you mean by this?
“very worn shoulder” - I would usually say that the word ‘very’ is a bit extreme, but you made it work.
“we set out as adventurers to the land unknown” - I really like this line!
“holding our own experiences about what we have seen” - The words ‘our own’ and ‘about’ seen really awkward in this line. Are there any words/phrases you could use that would sound more natural?
“and different dens” - This confused me slightly. What do you mean by ‘dens’?
“you are my favorite bumble bee” - This line closed the poem really well, good job!

Of course, you don’t have to listen to anything I said, it’s all just my opinion.
Overall, this was an amazing poem and I really enjoyed reading it! With just a few small edits, I’m sure it would reach its full potential and be a really awesome poem! Great job!

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5 Reviews

Points: 624
Reviews: 5

Thu Mar 07, 2019 5:12 am
blackblade wrote a review...

Hey, I'm Aella, and I'm here to review your poem. This piece brings a very interesting metaphor - a bumble bee - to symbolize the speaker's love. You bring this metaphor to life a little bit with "zoom by us" and "poison" in some ways, as the bee stings are poisonous. However, I think you can expand on this concept a bit more. I especially think your idea with stripes is very interesting--could you perhaps incorporate this more tangibly in your poem? I think this would really help give the last line "you are my favorite bumble bee" a greater sense of closure.

I also like how you appeal to many different senses, instead of confining yourself to simply sight.

I think your word choice is good, though in some places the descriptions seemed a little unnatural / out of place:

"our empty area" (what do you mean by 'area'?)
"filled with poison / to our hearts..." (I was a little confused about the 'poison to our hearts' part)
"side scene" (a little confused about what this meant)
"cradling you against a very / worn shoulder" ('very' seemed a little extra here, but this is okay how it is)

"the limp has gone away, the scar remains" --> this is not a critique, but I really liked this line!

"holding our own experiences about what we have / seen" (the 'about' seemed a little awkward; is there a better preposition you can use?)

"there is one thing i keep finding to be true about this." (I like the concept here, but this is a little awkwardly worded--maybe shorten it?)

Overall, I think this is a cool poem, and with a few little edits it'll be really awesome! Also, these are just my opinions, so definitely don't feel like you have to listen to them at all :).

Journeys end in lovers' meeting.
— William Shakespeare