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minnows in the sun

by CaptainJack, BluesClues, alliyah

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517 Reviews

Points: 18111
Reviews: 517

Sun Apr 05, 2020 3:29 am
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Lavvie wrote a review...

Hello you three!

I read this once trying to read it with one voice and a second time keeping in mind that it is a collab poem after all. I always find collab poems interesting to review because you can always tell if the writers were on the same wavelength or not. There is a definite sense of scatteredness here and that might speak to a slight incoherence between the three writers. With that said, there are certain parts that I appreciate.

The first stanza is actually the strongest, in my opinion. I kind of like the circularity that's happening here flipping from minnows left in the sun like zombies to being zombies left in the sun. It's interesting to experiment with recycling lines in poetry because you can sometimes achieve something quite fascinating - which I think is what has happened here. It's also the best imagery of the poem.

Yet, this poem has me bewildered. I'm trying to see how these images of minnows, zombies sun, campfire, campfire snacks, and video games (i.e., Mario and Zelda) all come together. And now that I list them out, I'm also struck by how many images you have in such a small poem. I know it's so easy to get carried away in collab poems, how difficult it is to streamline both the thought and creative processes, but this is where the collaboration comes in - when you discuss what stays and what goes and how it all flows in the end. I'm also struck the choice of font and I don't think it works very well in the poem's favour.

You three are obviously immensely talented and I would love to see some revisions to this so that it's less confusing for the audience. With some tightening here and there and a brief review of lines (some were just grammatically confused), I think you could have a really unique collab poem on your hands.

Thanks for an enjoyable read!


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26 Reviews

Points: 3188
Reviews: 26

Sat Apr 04, 2020 9:11 pm
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mckaylaam wrote a review...

Wow, this is a really intriguing piece to read! The format is definitely unique compared to most of what I have personally read on here and in general, and the imagery is amazing.

The first thing that I think caught my attention was the image of minnows being left out in the sun and possibly becoming zombies - I think that while the thought of eating rotten fish is definitely unpleasant, I think it provides great contrast with the life that is described throughout the rest of this piece.

As mentioned before, I think that the structure of this piece was really unique (at least to me). At first I was confused by the format (especially when transitioning from the second stanza to the third, and the third to the fourth), but after reading it straight through without adding my own mental periods or commas helped me to actually understand the writing.

My favorite part of this piece had to the part where you wrote "it is law, and plants aren't outlaws, so taking your Mario shaped marshmallows out of the pack and we march across the battleground of fire to rescue princess Zelda, here is our destiny". I love the humor and the video games references, which is what I think adds even more to the overall uniqueness of this poem, since that isn't something I've really seen in other poetry.

Great job, CaptainJack, BluesClues, and alliyah, on the collaboration, I loved this piece and I am excited to see more work from all of you :)

Kindness is the language the deaf can hear and the blind can see.
— Mark Twain