Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Poetry » Spiritual

E - Everyone

Warm Saturday Mornings

by CaptainJack

Have you ever sat in a humid church room,
for hours on end only to realize that they
had forgotten your presence as a child of 
god among those who are too old to stray 
from this so called righteous path.

If you say no, would you like me to show
a thing to you in the vivid details filled
with strong black coffee and the overall
absence of creamer and sugar as the 
coffee was made by hardy men of sea
travel that you could never understand.

I recognize that I’m more like them
than I am you as I’m the only other to
drink the Saturday morning coffee -

Only ever served black and bitter.

Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.

Is this a review?



User avatar

Points: 81
Reviews: 1

Thu Jun 10, 2021 9:27 pm
whit921 wrote a review...

Amazing work! I was expecting to read something completely different based off of the title, but I was pleasantly surprised. The narrator has a very strong voice in this poem, and I like how their bitter words parallel with the bitter coffee. Here is my review on each stanza:

The first stanza really drew me in; I like how the lines are divided, making it seem like the narrator is rambling in anger or bitterness (if I'm interpreting it correctly). It sets the tone nicely. I don't know if you meant to write "god" instead of "God," but it makes sense that you did.

I feel like this stanza was a little clunky, but I love your description of the coffee, and this stanza continues the tone nicely.

This wrapped the poem up well. I can tell that you're very skilled in writing poetry. I always struggle with finding a good ending, so I admire how you did it.

Overall, amazing work!! I hope my review helps. Keep writing! :)

User avatar
28 Reviews

Points: 1823
Reviews: 28

Thu Jun 10, 2021 3:17 am
MayCupcake wrote a review...

Hi CaptainJack!
Here's a quick review for you today!

with strong black coffee and the overall
absence of creamer and sugar as the
coffee was made by hardy men of sea

You've done very well with the imagery in this poem! I especially like this description of the coffee and it reminds me of it's horrid (sorry to those who like coffee O. O) smell and it's extra bitterness from the "absence of creamer and sugar". Sounds just like something that's brewed on the roughness of the sea.

for hours on end only to realize that they
had forgotten your presence as a child of
god among those who are too old to stray
from this so called righteous path.

To me, the breaks in between the lines feels a bit jarring to me while reading it. I naturally want to take a pause at the end of a line and when the sentence breaks off like this, it's difficult for me to get into a good rhythm with it. I do really enjoy everything you're talking about in the lines, but I feel like there should be a better way to organize it to improve the rhythm and flow of the poem. That may just be me though.

Anyways, nice job with the poem! Take what you will from this and keep on writing!

User avatar
1271 Reviews

Points: 38224
Reviews: 1271

Thu Jun 10, 2021 12:47 am
niteowl wrote a review...

Hi there CaptainJack! Niteowl here to review.

I like the metaphors and imagery in this, but there's also a few spots I think could be cleaned up.

So the first stanza is the strongest in my opinion. The way it runs on makes me feel like maybe the speaker is trying to say it quickly in fear of being forgotten/invisible again. It seems the speaker has been hanging around the church trying to find salvation and fellowship, only to be ignored and forgotten by the more devout members. My inner grammarian wants the stanza to end in a question mark and the comma feels out of place, but those are nit-picks.

The second stanza I'm less clear on, but it seems the speaker is talking to someone more naive and sheltered who has not experienced the bitter coffee of the real world. It's unclear if the speaker wants the subject to join them in this bitter-coffee drinking or if they're trying to warn them away so they remain innocent. The second line feels like it's not actually saying much-it's telling me there's a thing and vivid details but I never get a sense of what those are. I'm not sure if the description needs expanding here or if you could do without the line entirely.

I really like how the third stanza ties in with the first. It feels like the speaker has just been hanging out in the church trying to find all that hope and grace stuff, but now they're drinking days-old coffee (side note-I did that once on accident after an office holiday break. 0/10 do not recommend). I do, however, feel the perspective could be a little clearer. Who is "them"? The righteous church-goers from the first stanza or maybe the sea travelers from the second? Who is the other person drinking the coffee? It's implied that it's "you", but the previous stanza reads like that person hasn't had the bitter coffee yet, so I'm unsure.

The closing line is excellent. The bad coffee seems to reflect the narrator and how they have grown bitter from being forgotten by the churchgoers.

Overall, I like the way the piece uses extended metaphors, but there are a few spots that are a little too ambiguous. Great job and as always, keep writing!

How can I be king of the world? Because I am king of rubbish. And rubbish is what the world is made of.
— Kate DiCamillo, The Miraculous Journey of Edward Tulane